Over the past several months, I worked with another individual on a project that ultimately never landed fully in physical reality. While it could be looked upon as a "failure" in many ways—lost time, energy and money—for me, it has proven to be yet another priceless cycle of learning, inviting me to completely TRUST MYSELF.
I have come to understand that I am basically soft, gentle, deep, simple and clear. Likewise, my message is also soft, gentle, deep, simple and clear. Yes, I can be funny and wild. Yes, at times, I can become riled up and offer a rant. But generally speaking, I am one who offers insight, perspective, and prospective opportunities to others as simply possibilities, if and only if, they resonate in their own heart.
In working with a partner on back-end details to grow my work, one with whom I was creating a business venture and splitting profits 50-50, I quickly found myself succumbing to her insistence upon one right way to succeed. There was a feeling deep inside of me that she knew better when it came to business: She had years of experience. She had been trained by the "big boys." She was going to "mentor" me on the high-yielding ways of content marketing.
At first, while I was a little scared to take this project on, I thought I just needed someone to "push" me into the bigger leagues in my field. I felt that I needed someone to show me how it's DONE. I felt that I couldn't do it on my own. I felt that perhaps my work wasn't enough simply growing in the way that felt good to me. I felt I needed help getting to the big stage.
Gradually, after a few hurdles of resistance, I came to believe that it was I who was afraid of growing my work bigger. It was I who was afraid to self-promote and close the sale. It was I who needed to follow another's lead on all matters even when it was my life's work on the line.
As the weeks wore on, and the whole project became more and more complex with all of the hours billed on my dime, I became increasingly uncomfortable and ungrounded. As I lost my power that comes from my connection to my own core, my body, my dear, dear friend and barometer of all things inner, began to flash a few warnings. My tailbone started to ache—standing, sitting, lying down—it didn't matter. There was an ache in my lower chakra that was inescapable.
While admittedly throughout there were at times some feelings of invigoration from stretching myself in new ways, ultimately, I realized that stretching just for stretching's sake means nothing if we lose our voice and sense of balance in the process.
The truth is, I have an unyielding vision for my work, and that vision is transparency, integrity, freedom and truth for all involved. The vision for my work matches exactly the vision for my life. A project, a business endeavor, a friendship, a marriage, an extracurricular activity does not resonate with me unless it resonates with my soul. I desire my offerings to be mutually beneficial to myself and others. I have known this for a long time. This is what works for me.
For example, I am definitely not someone who could sell sugary products to poverty-stricken areas (or ANY areas for that matter) in the name of growth and profit. I am not someone who could open a string of liquor stores in depressed areas to line my own pockets. I am not someone who could own a company where the top-dog skims millions from the gains and the lowest rung employees make minimum wage. (Which by the way, I think we can all agree if we rest deeply within our own heart, is not enough to live on, well.)
While this project was nothing like what I just mentioned above, and it was based on my soul nurturing work, there was a slightly complex, "gimmicky" vibration to marketing it that did not sit well on my interior. No doubt, it is working very well for others in similar fields, for some even to the tune of millions. But, somewhere along the way, I felt disempowered by the whole experience, and my sweet little tailbone wasn't going to let me off the hook until I regained my center, focus, creativity and sense of self.
While money was lost, I feel that I was intuitively drawn to this experience, as is often the case, not for what could be gained monetarily, but for what could be learned through the power of opposites. Interestingly towards the final days of the project, I realized that I didn't really want it to succeed. The energy had become disharmonious to me. I noticed that I was more excited to create pages of notes on how I would try again in my own way next time. The sparkle in my eyes began to reappear as I imagined meshing a few of the new ideas with my voice and leaving anything that didn't match that behind for someone else to do, if desired.
I am a very feminine individual. My masculine aspects are learning to blend with my divine feminine to feel my way when it comes to business. I recognize now that I can trust this process. Yes, I am very open to advice, but never again if it means taking it gives away my power. I would rather continue to grow both personally and professionally in the very organic way that works for me, than push my way to the top and lose my greatest asset—my connection to the voice of my own soul—in the process. Absolutely nothing will ever be worth that to me...
So carry on, big boys, I may or may not ever get to the big stage. But you know what, I am totally fine with that, more than fine actually. I bless you for your well-thought out strategies, AND I bless myself for my natural approach.
Warmth and LOVE,
P.S. This was a painful lesson, and yet, I feel so free to be me again. And, my tailbone is thrilled!
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