Character Assassination Carousel: Roasting Steven Kellogg's "Yankee Doodle"

Character Assassination Carousel: Roasting Steven Kellogg's "Yankee Doodle"

Steven Kellogg's Yankee Doodle: Sure to scare young Americans and attract forest friends.

Muskets, and Red Coats, and bears...OH MY! This version of "Yankee Doodle" is a teensy bit terrifying.

If you still yearn to be patriotic this fine month of July, fear not! I give you the breakdown of the scary parts in Nicole Leigh Shaw, Ninja Mom's Character Assassination Carousel.

Last month, Sarah at HouseWifePlus scrutinized The Wonder Pets. Unless you are a liar perfect parent, I know that there are books you dread to read. So, jump on the carousel as I roast one of my "favorites."

When I first found this book at the library last year, I thought, "Score! It has the whole song, and it's only a few sentences per page. Perfect for my two year old!"

And because trips to the library with toddlers don't really allow for ample perusing of the pages, I hastily stuck it in our book bag with some other patriotic titles and gave myself a figurative pat on the back. "Here's to 'Merica!" I congratulated myself.

It starts off swell, with the lyrics that we all learned as kids.

*Notice the turkey, attempting to make a grand exit. Forget the phrase "birdbrain," because, as you'll soon find out, he's the only smart animal in this book.

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Can you find the bear on this page? Yeah, the one to the right of the tree, across from the pond where fish are drawn to the same scale as the children bathing in the duck-poop water. Judging by the wagon load of pumpkins, it is entirely too chilly to be swimming at this time of year. Where are the parents?!

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Let me just say that there is entirely too much going on in these illustrations. And bread boy? C'mon! This is a time of WAR. There is no way that any colonist ate well enough to enjoy cankles that size.

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I do appreciate Washington's expression on this page. He's like, "WTF, dude? Bring Your Kid to Battlefield Day was last week...ugh...volunteer soldiers."

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I don't recall in our history book it saying that Red Coats were also pedophiles, but they look pretty creepy to me. Don't you guys have a war to lose or tea to drink, rather than stalk a 7-year-old? This illustration was probably the catalyst to stranger danger education in elementary school.

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Here's where it gets really scary: "...fire right in our faces?!" I don't care where you stand on gun control; these words are ridiculous. And I thought the Ninja Turtles were violent...

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Again with the forest friends?! There are cannons booming and muskets being fired, but I'm toootally sure that Peter Rabbit would have stuck around to nibble on grass at the trunk of Owl's tree.

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This page is just plain spooky. First off, what type of person is that happy to be digging mass graves? Second of all, the ring leader is implying that the skeletons would grab the boy and sing songs with him. That's ludicrous! Everyone knows that skeletons can't carry a note to save their life!

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But, of course, Dad returns in the end, without a scratch on him. (No one must have shot him in his face.) Damn it, turkey! You were almost home free! Guess you are a birdbrain, after all.

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