Chicago is warming up! Kids are frolicking in the parks, grandmas are speed walking, and Clark Street is alive once again. You know what that means:
It's almost time for people to start complaining about the heat.
How quickly we forget the dreadful winter. We go from Chiberia to the Chiribbean, and suddenly, everyone starts whining. I can already feel my right pointer, shaking with anger, and ready to click "defriend" after reading people's Facebook statuses.
Here are eight things I don't want to hear Chicagoans say this summer:
1) "It's sooo hot." Are you serious??? We just lived through a winter in which you could throw boiling hot water out your window, and it would freeze midair. Don't you dare say the "H" word in my presence, unless your purpose is to praise it.
2) "It's soo hot." See #1.
3) "There are too many tourists." People: there are people out there! Rejoice and be glad to see your fellow (wo)man enjoying your wonderful city. And perhaps, refrain from visiting The Bean on the weekend...? Just a suggestion.
4) "Parking is horrible." Don't. Even. Here's why:
- People are actually moving their car, because it's not negative 10 degrees. There are open spots.
- Those open spots are not reserved by lawn chairs.
- Do you miss your wheels spinning mindlessly in the two foot snowbanks to get in/out of your spot?
- Hey idiot: don't drive. It's nice out. Walk.
5) "I'm tired of walking everywhere." Well, then I'm afraid that I don't know what to tell you. Buy a segway?
6) "Ugh...Cubs traffic." It's BASEBALL season, for crying out loud! That means it's
supposed to be warm! Can't you, at least, feign excitement, Scrooge?!
7) "Summer Shandy sucks." Whatever your opinion is of this beer, I don't really care. It is a symbol of summer, and should therefore be celebrated at all times. (Responsibly, of course.)
8) "The beach/lake path is sooo crowded." Hey, you: remember when you left for work, and it was dark, and you came home from work, and it was dark? Now you have over 12 hours of sunlight a day. Get your ass up early and reserve your spot on the beach/get your workout in.
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