A Letter To My Son's Birth Family

Dear Birthmother,

I know that you will never read this letter, but I am going to write it, anyway. I would want you and your parents to read it. I know that when you gave birth to my son, you were only 15 years old. I know that your parents made all the decisions for you and that the one to give up your son for adoption was the right one.

You hid your pregnancy from your parents until days before you gave birth. You did not take care of yourself, you got no prenatal care and you were terrified that you would be found out, so you unwittingly pumped stress hormones into his tiny body, in utero, for 9 months. As a result, your son was born with a huge amount of anxiety, sensory processing disorder, which may or may not have been caused by his prenatal birth trauma, and abandonment problems. His adoptive father and I did not expect to parent a child with special needs. We thought it would be difficult enough becoming parents for the first time in our mid-40s and felt we weren't emotionally capable of dealing with a child with special needs.

I think your decision to have no contact, whatsoever, with the child you carried for 9 months, is the wrong decision for you and for your child. It is natural for every person to want to meet the girl, in your case, that gave birth to him; to know if he looks like you, has similar personality traits, your eyes, your smile? By the same token, it is natural for every mother to want to meet her child; to see how he has changed from a tiny infant to a grown man. You will never experience that nor will he.

We tried. We contacted the adoption agency when our son was 10. We thought if he met you, it might help him. The director of the agency told us that you wanted no contact and you didn't want your son to look for you, ever. We had to tell our son this. He was being abandoned for a second time. It made us all very sad. I wonder if your parents are still making the decisions for you and if it is their decision not to allow you to have contact with your son. It is all conjecture on my part. You would be almost 29, now; old enough to make your own decisions.

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