In a recent discussion with my roommate I thought to myself, “What a stupid reason not to let two people be married by law—because they have similar body parts?” Blows my mind this is still at thing in today’s society.
With all of the $&%#ed up things people do in this world, you want to stop people from getting married for that reason? How about we focus on stopping these kinds of people from being married instead?
#1) People Who've Been Married Twice
I’ll give you the first time mess up. You were young—“love” was everything and he/she was the most amazing person you’d ever met; and for that time in your life, who doesn’t want it to last forever? Yet, you thought it could with a ring and a baby, but it didn’t work out. Cool—we’re gonna give you one more chance, but make it count.
#2) Adult Baby Fetishes
I stayed up too late one night, and this always happens when you’re flipping through the channels. I saw that, “Real Sex ##” was on. So of course, I turn on HBO, and within about 30 seconds I immediately regret the decision, but definitely couldn’t turn it off.
I saw this one about these grown-ass businessmen who would go to this retreat, and these women would treat them like babies. They would put them in diapers, have giant blocks set up, take their pictures, CHANGE their diapers, feed them, and bathe them…HOLY $#!+ was this weird! And I know there are tons of other weird fetishes out there, but until a committee is created to determine what’s TOO weird, I’m just setting the bar at Adult Baby Fetishes.
#3) High School Dropouts
You want to get married? Get educated first. We want to disallow well-educated, same-sex couples the right to get married, but we’ll give some uneducated @&%hole the ability to marry whomever they want as long as they were born with different parts (and not of the same family).
Here’s the best part about this one. You were a rebellious teen and dropped out— that’s completely okay! Just get your GED before the government allows you to marry.
#4) Double Felons
Listen, I’m even being pretty lenient on this saying double. I think that’s a hell of a consequence to face if you commit a FELONY twice in your life. I’d like to be a little harsher and say just one, but I recently watched “Orange is the New Black,” and I’m feeling a little empathetic.
As we’re a little more then halfway through this list, I just want to say that I’m purely talking about the government-based allowance of marriage, not the “declaring in front of God kind”. I fully support being in love. If anybody on this list still wants get married in front of God, all yours. I’m just saying if the government is going to regulate the union of two people, these are the people who should not be included.
#5) People Who Abuse Animals
I’m not gonna go all PETA on you because I don’t really have a Sarah McLaughlin crush, but intentionally being that cruel to another life on this planet? Yeah, I’m okay with you not being allowed to marry.
#6) Murderers, Rapists, and Child Molesters
Straight up. Pull this shit, you’re just…just, done. No marriage for you! (C’mon, you knew there’d be at least one Soup Nazi rip-off joke. And who knows, maybe that’ll become a thing. A picture of Uncle Sam as the Soup Nazi saying, “No Marriage for You!” Is that a thing? It might be already.) I’m sure there are other crimes to include in this category, just going with a couple of the top ones.
#7) High-Ranking Government Officials
First, for them to see how it feels. Second, I want them to love running this country. From a personal standpoint, I want them to love it more than anything, or anyone. I want them to love their job like I love mine. They’re taking on the lives of millions, THAT’s who I want them to love. I want these politicians to go through their lives making the choice to not get married so that they CAN hold that high-ranking position—to have the dedication to make this world a better place.
THAT sounds totally fair to me! Let’s not allow THOSE people to marry, how about that?!! Let good people, who live good lives and contribute to society, get married. WHAT is the hold-up?!
I’m not really one for politics, but I am happy to live in Illinois, which recently passed the law allowing same sex marriage. What’s outrageous to me is that this is still a question in other parts of the country—that someday, when I marry and have kids, that I’m going to have to tell my children that there was a time when Mommy & Daddy grew up, and the government did not allow two people who loved each other to devote their love because their physical disposition was similar. That’s just sad.
I’d like to end with a story from a divorced friend of mine who had recently remarried. Apparently this very adult topic has spread to the ears of children, more specifically, her 8 year old daughter’s 2nd grade class. Her daughter came home from school one day to tell her mom how some people in class were picking on a boy because he had two dads. She didn’t understand why that was such a big deal, and she was afraid to say anything, because she also has two dads.
Filed under: Tips for Life