Psychology is a very different kind of science. It has the immediate goal of understanding individuals, and groups, by establishing general principles. Well, after my 1 semester of "Intro to Psych" at community college, and passing with a "C" in my Child Psychology class...I...well...I don't mean to brag, BUT I consider myself a bit of an expert here. Taking from studies by BF Skinner*, Pavlov** and Freud***, I present you with this list to help you understand your fellow man.
1) The belief that greatness could be achieved, if only the person felt like it.
Example: You could solve a Rubik's cube if you really wanted to, it's just..ugh, you really don't feel like it right now. But if you wanted to, oh man, you absolutely could.
2) When performing an activity where no opponent is present, the person will proclaim they are absolutely amazing at.
Examples: Playing Bejeweled on your phone, preparing canned soup or masturbating.
3) When singing along with a song on the radio, the person will immediately regret not trying out for American Idol...they could have won it all.
Example: Michael Bublé's "All I Want for Christmas", Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" or anything Mariah Carey.
4) A repeated belief that microwaves are unable to heat something beyond our means to handle.
Example: The molten lava inside of a pizza roll removed from the microwave. We know it's going to be hot and burn the shit out of our mouth. It was last time, and it's going to be this time. Instead we pop the whole thing in our mouth and then freak out.
5) A strong belief that children need better parenting...unless it's your own.
Example: Child throwing a tantrum in a restaurant.
Not your child:"Those parents really need to learn how to handle their kid!"
Your child: "Oh, she's just crabby because she didn't have a nap."
6) The belief that other drivers should have to go through stricter driving protocols before getting their license.
Example: When the old dude in his white Lincoln Town Car almost crashes into the front of your bright orange Dodge Challenger. How do you not see THIS coming at you, bro?!
7) When asked to sample something, a person's sense of smell, taste and/or touch are embodied with heightened, almost Spidey-like, senses.
Example: "Does this taste weird to you?" Other person samples, interprets, perhaps samples again and delivers uncanny results. Response, "I feel there may have been a pinch too much Cumin in this."
8) When dreaming about a significant other, psychic powers have been given to the person dreaming.
Example: You have a dream your girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you...well then YEAH! Of course they did. And you saw the whole thing.
9) The belief that alcohol makes family more tolerable during the holiday season.
Example: Uhhhm....this one? Yeeeeaaah, this one is actually pretty accurate.
10) The belief that a waiter/waitress has never ONCE heard the hilarious line you're about to deliver.
Examples: Waitress: "Hi everybody and welcome to Outback." Person: "I'd like to see you outback!"
Waitress: "Welcome to Chili's!" Person: "I'm actually quite warm, thank you."
Waiter: "Evening, and welcome to Friday's." Person: "It's f&$%in Wednesday you dumb a#%hole!"
Waiter: "Good everneeng and wercome to Benihana" Person: "...what?!"
Waiter: "Hi, I'm your waiter Jon, welcome to Joe's Crab Shack." Person: "Weird that I'd come here after running away from crabs my whole life, huh?!"
* This list actually has nothing to do with BF Skinner, I just remembered his name from Psych class. I think he was the baby in a box dude.
** Uhhhmmm....Pavlov's research also had nothing to do with creating this list. There was a really cool episode of American Horror Story a few weeks ago where the dude was trying to use classical conditioning to break a chick of her homosexual tendencies. I thought that was kind of cool. BUT, also has nothing to do with this list.
*** Freud he had to have had SOMETHING to do with this list. At least, any of the sexual ones.
Filed under: Tips for Life