Seriously, babe, I hate your *$&%ing cat.

Seriously, babe, I hate your *$&%ing cat.

You can’t believe everything you see on the internet, and cute cats is one of them. #$%& those little $&%#s. They’re bitchy and clawy and moody and just...just dicks. They think they own everything and I’m sick of it. It’s time a voice be taken against these little bastards and I will lead this revolution.

To lead though, I need those who will follow. Now now, I’m sure you have your own reason, which PLEASE, I would love to hear. Feel free to leave a comment. The reasons I’ve got for hating cats can only begin to scratch the surface.

Reason #1) They Sound Like Little Kids
Creepiest damn thing ever! It’s 2am. You’re laying your girlfriend’s house, a little creeped out because the place is kind of old. It’s not what you’re used to. Licking the inside of your mouth trying to pretend like you’re not thirsty enough to actually go GET water because you don’t know what’s out there. Bugs, ghosts, awkward roommates, whatever it is, you know you’re safer just staying in bed under the covers. And then, THEN you hear it.

Some $#&%ing noise that sounds like kids playing. I’ll admit right now that I am a huge chicken shit when it comes to watching scary movies, and creepy kids in a movie, UGH! Done. I’ll walk out on that shit. I can’t take it. So when I have to sit there and listen to a cat that sounds like a child quietly running around the house giggling. No, NO! NO dammit. Done! I’m out.

Reason #2) Roaming the Neighborhood
I’m guessing this dates back to the days of people living in slums and letting cats just roam the neighborhood was common practice to eliminate the rat problem. Industrial revolution times, cool! Have at it.

Today, it’s not the neighborhood cat! Nobody else wants to take care of it for you if you don’t even want to take care of it. I don’t care if “Oh, he always comes back home.” Either you have a cat as a pet, or you don’t. You’re not taking in strays, here. What if it brings home a friend? What if your male cat just wants another pussy as company for a bit? You gonna be okay with that.

I’m not even sure where I was going with this, I just hate neighborhood cats.

Reason #3) Shits Inside, Walks on EVERYTHING
Why do they have to shit in the sand?! Who decided this was common practice?! Let me get this straight, you’re gonna let the cat out, it’s going to roam all over the neighborhood....then it’s going to come home and shit?! Seriously?! It’s using your house as a bathroom...when it’s outside 90% of the time?!

I can even get over that, but back to the facts. This animal is going to a box...of sand...and cover it up. Because, ya know, that’s what they do. Then, it’s just going to walk around on the floor with bits of shit sand in it’s paws? Ohhhhhhhh, no no, no. It’s going to jump up on counters, walk on the couch, your pillows, your bed. That’s cool. Let’s just let this animal track shit EVERYWHERE.

Reason #4) They Don’t DO Anything
Now I’m not trying to turn this into a dog vs. cat argument because that’s not what I’m saying here. I like dogs, but would prefer a girlfriend have no pets whatsoever. But dogs, at least dogs will do something. They’ll run around outside with you, play fetch, even guard your house against strangers trying to come in....or walking 1/2 mile down the street.

Maybe it’s just because I haven’t been around cats enough, but what do they do?! I’ve never really seen a cat do anything on a regular basis that I’m like, “hey, now that’s something.” I feel like this is the reason people collect cats. Like, once you have one, you realize the only responsibility with having a second one is more kitty litter to change and occasional food. So if you’re gonna have 2, you may as well have 3. Just 1 more plate of food and a little more kitty litter.

Well shit, I’ve already got 3, so now teams aren’t even in case they want to play kitty football. Better get a 4th. Now at least they can practice 2 on 2; but, they’re never going to have a solid offensive line with 1 centering and 1 QBing. Better get 10 more!

Reason #5) They’re Dicks
Now here’s the thing, the cat owners will defend to the death “ohhhhh, my kitty’s not a dick, it’s so sweet!”. No. Wrong. Dick. What is it with cat owner’s that they’re blinded by who their cat really is?

I almost feel like cat owners are in an abusive relationship with their cat. Everytime the cat claws at them, or knocks something over it’s always, “Oh it was my fault for holding her” or “I shouldn’t have put that glass vase up on the shelf with flowers in where the cat could get to it.” IT’S YOUR HOUSE?! You should be able to do whatever the shit you want. Not abide by the cat’s terms. The cat’s a dick!

Take Action
It’s time to put our foot down men of America. From here on out, I say no more dating girls with cats. If you’re thinking about breaking up with a girl, whatever the reason may be, tell her it’s because of her cat. Just...just blame it on the cat. Tell her it’s you or the cat. If she gets rid of the cat, then tell her it wasn’t because of the cat, that she was actually really bad in bed, but at least she’ll be rid of the cat for the next guy.

This is our time. Unite. Rise up. #antiCat

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  • fb_avatar

    Great post! And from a cat lover, too. ;)

  • fb_avatar

    Clearly you are too slow-witted to appreciate the joys of cat ownership.

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