# So You Have A Girlfriend

Half the time, these girls are hired BECAUSE they are super attractive and out-going. The food & beverage industry knows how to get to you, especially at a bar. “Oh she just happens to have an amazing rack AND is laughing at your jokes?!” Nooo way! Dude, bro, bro, BRO! She obviously wants your junk. I’m not trying to be a dick here (well, not completely), but we’re going to lay down some basic ground rules to make you a little more aware of the waitressing world.

## Principle #1) The Waitress’ Pay

Believe it or not, she is not making \$25/hr being a hot waitress with her tips being “extra cash”. Pay grades are usually closer to minimum wage with a set amount of tip money already designated for taxes. We’re gonna do a little bit of math here, so hang with me.

Let’s just take a general number in this situation and say our hot waitress’ tax rate is set at \$100/shift. This means, she is paying taxes on the assumption of the US Government, that she will make at least \$100 that evening. If she does not make \$100 in tips, she will still have to pay taxes on \$100 in tips.

Your waitress is also responsible for tipping the bussers AND the bartenders who made all the drinks she delivered to your table. So even if she were to make, exactly \$100 in tips that night, she has to tip the bar backs, and pay the bartender a set percentage of her liquor sales.

I can run the numbers further for you if you really wanted me too, but you get the point. Every dollar you leave your waitress is not going straight into her pocket at the end of the night.

## Principle #2) Tipping on Table Time

See, when a waitress, or “hot piece of ass” as you call it, comes in for her shift, she has a designated amount of tables in a section. All the tables in the place are divvied up between the girls and that is where she will make her money for the evening. Lucky for you, you’re in her section.

You ordered a plate of fries and a beer while you waited an hour for your buddies to get there, watched the game for 3 hours, hung out for another hour afterward and then graciously, GRACIOUSLY tipped 20% (20%!!!!!). God, you...you’re just so damn generous! She is going to absolutely LOVE that \$1 tip on your \$5 bill. I mean, damn, sign me up for a night out with you too while we’re at it.

So not only did you drop her the big bucks, you baller you, but you also managed prevent other people from sitting in her section for 5, of her 8, hour shift. And what does she get...\$1.

I get that you don’t always want to go to the bar and rage. Sometimes you just want to hang out and take it easy, which is fine, but be aware that you’re preventing that hot waitress from making money. So she’s going to be annoyed, and probably pissed that she’s making less money because you wanted to be drooling all over her just to make some half-assed attempt of asking her out at the end of the night.

RULES:

• Slower Night, lots of open tables: \$1.50/hr (though, if it’s slow, you could help her out too and help her out a little more)
• Medium Night, some open tables: \$2/hr
• Busy Night, no open tables: \$3/hr

Feel free to even be funny about it. Let her know you’re aware of what you’re doing. Write “table time” on the bill, and write in the amount you’re paying for it. The fact that you knew is going to amaze her, make you stand out a little more and probably get a little smile or some conversation tossed your way that’s more than you just asking her where she got her tits done.

## Principle #3) \$H20

It’s a good thing water is free! You can sit here all night ordering waters and at the end of the night have a bill for \$0. Do you know what 20% of 0 is?!? BAM! ZERO. You just had an awesome night out with friends and managed to spend zero dollars. You’re....you’re just amazing. In fact, maybe you’re even feeling extra nice tonight and you’re gonna leave her 50% on all your waters. Still ZERO!!! YES, YES, YES!!!

RULE: Asshole, no. She’s still putting the drink requests into the bartender, or making it herself and bringing it over to you. Taking time to smile at your dumb ass AND attempting to pretend like she really wants to talk to you more, but just, ohhhh, just, has to go.

• \$1 for every water ordered. Covers her time for bringing it to you AND some table time.

Don't be a dick. Water is still a drink and you're still at a bar ordering it. Tip!

## Principle #4) Tipping on Free Drinks

It’s...it’s your Cheers. You’re in there a bunch, not always a staggering mess, you’ve developed a relationship with some of the girls; or, maybe you and your friends are just a really fun group and they decided your 9th beer is going to be on them.

The chance of you being coherent enough to comprehend it all is extremely low. However, maybe you’ve got a buddy with you who can help you out after you sloppily write your number on the check with a note saying “I don’t normally do this, but you’re really cute!” Real original!

First, you’re going to tip on your regular bill, then add \$1-\$2 per free drink based on their cost. If the free drink is less than \$5/drink, you’ll add \$1 extra dollar. If the drink was higher than \$5 or more, \$2 dollars and so on.

RULES:

• Free drink cost less than \$5, \$1 extra per free drink
• Free drink cost more than \$5, but less than \$12, \$2 extra per free drink.
• Free drink more than \$12, 25% on the cost of the drink itself. (example: a \$20 free drink should yield a \$5 tip in addition to the rest of your bill)

Side Note: It doesn’t matter if the free drink came from the manager. The manager is looking out for the girls working and wants to make sure they’re making money. The manager is on salary, they don’t work for tips. The girls do. So if the manager takes care of you, you take care of their girls working.

## Principle #5) Going to the Bar for a Drink

You want to get up, move around. You don’t feel like buying shots for the whole table. There’s a cute chick on the way to, or up at, the bar itself. Whatever the reason is, you’re not ALWAYS going to order a drink from your waitress. Which, she’s fine with. She gets it. She might feel a little offended personally that you’re choosing to ignore her services completely, but she’s not allowed to tell you otherwise. You’re the customer.

What she’s not fine with, is losing out on money. Similar to the “table time” principle, you’re seated in her section and preventing her from serving additional people. Even if the place is slower, your general demeanor, overall lack of hygiene or simply proximity may be preventing other paying customers from sitting within her section.

Now, normal situation, not a cute waitress, you don’t really care enough but still want to be courteous and you understand that this is a service based industry, follow the rules outlined in Principle #2) Tipping on Table Time. If you’re cognizant of the fact that you’re being kind of a douche by sitting at her table denying her service AND you understand what the word cognizant means, go with these.

RULES:

• Slower Night, lots of open tables: \$3/hr
• Medium Night, some open tables: \$2/hr
• Busy Night, no open tables: \$1.50/hr

You may have noticed the reverse order. There’s a reason. On a slower night, she’d rather be doing something than nothing at all. Sitting around bored SUCKS! So, if you’re taking the table, and she’s cute, a couple bucks for her boredom and you leeching her section isn’t bad. On the other hand if it’s busy, she might actually be relieved that she can focus on her other tables a bit more. You may find her a bit more aggressive though because she’s not expecting you to tip her on table time and she thinks you’re just squatting in her section. It’s risky.

## Principle #6) Tipping TOO Much

Follow the guidelines and generally abide by the idea of \$1/drink, or 20% of your bill. For example, let’s say you have a \$10 bill and you leave \$40. Yes, she’s going to appreciate it, who wouldn’t like someone just giving them extra cash. HOWEVER, if you’re trying to pick her up...it’s too much. It’s creepy. You’re sending out a weird signal.

Are you trying to impress her with how much you’re leaving? Are you thinking she’s going to like you more because you left her more? Are you putting down a deposit on a blowjob?

It’s just weird and you’re putting her in a situation where she doesn’t know how to react. Stick to the basics and keep it there. If she likes you, she’s going to like you AND you’re tipping appropriately. You’re not going to make her like you by tipping her a large amount. PLUS, then what do you do next time. She’s going to expect a big tip again and you’re gonna leave \$2 on that \$10 bill. Now it’s awkward!

RULE:

• \$1/drink or 20-25% of your total bill, not accounting for table time, water, free drinks or going to the bar for drinks.

Stick to the basics of being a good tipper and don’t make things awkward.

## Principle #7) Tipping with Your Penis

I 100% support flirting with your waitress. I know I’ve made you sound like every other doucher she encounters on a regular basis, and you are, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

She’s cute, she’s there and, if she likes you, it’ll work out. You just have to realize, she gets hit on A LOT, especially if she’s hot. You think you’re the only dude who’s found her attractive or had enough drunken courage to ask for her number. Ugh! You really are a douche, aren’t you?

Be aware of the environment, whether or not she’s busy and her attitude. If she seems like she’s in a really pissed off mood, no matter how cute you are, she probably won’t give you the time of the day. And usually, you only get one shot at it; otherwise, you look like the guy who is only coming in to gawk at her chest and jerk off in the bathroom.

RULES:

• Keep it short, keep it quick. Don’t try and talk her for too long, she’s got other tables to check in on. Her first priority is making money, not getting hit on by some dude at the bar who is probably just going to end up cheating on her anyway. If she likes you, she’ll come back.
• Don’t write your number on the check. Unless you’re Ryan Gossling, this doesn’t work. And not completely by your fault. Yes, you expect her to call, but how desperate does that make her look. She knows this. So unless you’re shopping for the herp, a self-respecting girl isn’t going to a call the dude’s number.
• Don’t touch her. I understand you may want to put your arm around her when you’re talking to her, put your hand on her shoulder when empathizing with her or nuzzle your face into her chest, but don’t. They deal with so many creeps touching them on a regular basis, they’re conditioned to automatically associate “touchy feely” with “RUN BITCH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!”
• Realize you’re a douche. You’re hitting on the hot waitress, who gets hit on all the time. You’re a douche. Once you’ve accepted it, move past it and try to be a regular guy she can relate to.

Now, if there was an absolute method to picking up girls, I’m sure you’d be signing up to buy pills for it like some penis enlargement drug, but there isn’t. Everybody is different and the best you can do is be you. Well, that and try not to drink so much that you throw up on her pair of Skechers “Shape Ups”.

#### Our Weekly Web Series

Be sure to also checkout our weekly relationship advice web series. Seasons 1 & 2 fully available now at http://www.youtube.com/soyouhaveagirlfriend. Like this video about dealing with a girl on her period.

Filed under: Tips for Him, Tips for Life

• Tipping your OK-looking waitress makes them feel hot too. Good karma...

• Welcome to ChicagoNow.

• ## Meet The Cast

SoYouHaveAGirlfriend.com is a weekly relationship advice web show from the people who are still making mistakes. Nobody's got it down right, all we know is what we've been through. And between 6 of us...it's a lot. Tune in Thursday nights to SoYouHaveAGirlfriend.com for new episodes. Also, feel free to check out some of our back episodes or read up a little more on each of us. #SYHAG Bios

• ### Latest on ChicagoNow

• #### But maybe "living in the moment" is overrated (part 1)

from Medium Rare by Chris O'Brien
posted today at 6:52 am
• #### Cubs in the Off-Season Leagues - Week 2

from Cubs Den by Tom U
posted today at 6:00 am
• #### How to Get Started with a New Business

from SMB Central by Jacob Maslow
posted today at 4:22 am
• #### 9 fun ways to reduce stress and (probably) not go to jail

from Planet Michelle by Planet Michelle
posted today at 1:13 am
• #### Chance The Rapper and Social Activism: Why His Work Matters So Much

from The Artists' Report by rosenrosenrosen
posted today at 12:01 am