So yeah, alright, I get it. You don't "celebrate" Valentine's Day. The whole holiday is BS and it's perpetuated by over-priced cards, candies and sending flowers to their eventual demise.
But here's the thing, even if you don't have big plans for Valentine's Day, it's hard to get away without doing something. So, this year...make it about the little things. And from the dude who's seen just about every chick flick out there...here are some super cheesy, romantical things that are just enough to make her smile.
#14) Send an eCard talking about how stupid Valentine's Day is
So simple. AND, you can do it right now. You can send an anti-Valentine's Day one with something like Jib-Jab. OR, send something that's meant to be sincere, from 123Greetings.com, and just make fun of how stupid it is. DUDE, I'm GIVING you the links. I couldn't make this any easier on you.
#13) Light a Few Candles
Stop and buy one or two if you need to. Like, even little crap ones. You don't need to get all Yankee Candle in this bitch, Wal-Mart, Target, Jewel, Kroeger, pretty much ANYWHERE you shop is bound to have candles. Pick a couple up. Not only are they kind of romantic, but, unless you buy the wrong ones, makes the place smell better.
#12) Buy her a plant
Flowers, overrated. Besides, every A-hole out there is getting some broad flowers. You, YOU went above...there are some awesome looking plants out there. They've always got awesome plants at Whole Foods that I'll see when I'm checking out. OR, check out THIS awesome baby I just found online. A Rainbow Rays Potted Gerbera. And dude, in yellow. It's not all red and mushy, adds a little life to the room in these winter months. If you don't buy it, I will. Hell, I might buy it anyway.
#11) Clean up her car
Grab the keys, get a bag and go head out to her car. This will take like 5 minutes. Maybe grab a quick cloth too to wipe things down. Get rid of the old gum wrappers, random fast food bags or clothes tags floating around. Wipe it down, even just a little bit. I'm not even talking a full inside cleaning, just enough to notice. Ohhh, maybe even buy her a couple new packs of gum to keep in her car.
#10) Take care of dinner
I'm not even saying COOK dinner. I'm just saying take care of it. Use your manliness, think about all the times you two have eaten together. Get that image in your head of her with cheese dripping from her chin and her saying, "ohhh this is so good" and get THAT for dinner. Maybe it's not cheese in your case. Though, for a nice Valentine's Day at home, Lou Malnati's is where it's at. Stop and pick up an awesome pizza on your way home. Here's something that you might not have known about Lou Mal's too, just in case you don't live close to one. They can give you a "half-baked" pizza. No, the pizza isn't high, they cook it halfway, then you take it home and pop it in the oven to finish cooking it. BAM! Fresh Lou Mal's...in your home, on your plate and in her belly.
AND, if you're even feeling extra cheesy (ha! pizza joke), you can actually order a heart-shaped pizza.
#9) Call her mom to wish her a happy Valentine's Day
C'mon...that's good, right?! I mean, that's just downright impressive shit right there. In fact, I'll even let you off the hook here, it doesn't even have to be a call. A text. Just text her mom to say happy Valentine's Day. Boom, bro. Boom.
#8) Call in the middle of the day just to tell 'em you were thinking of them
You can even make light of the fact that you were thinking about sending a singing telegram, but you thought a phone call would be a lot less embarrassing.
#7) Have Sex
Why so high on the list? Because you're probably terrible at it, and it's going to be more of a chore for her than actual enjoyment. But this time…tonight, have sex for her. You hold it, dammit! Maybe go down on her. Maybe you're setting the mood and using those candles I told you about earlier to now light the room. We're not talking regular Wednesday night "Business Time" kind of sex.
I mean something good. Kiss her body. Tease her. Dammit man, put some emotion behind it! And if you can't...well then, this whole list is for shit and there's nothing anyone can do to help you. Because if you can't have a solid, romantic night of "making babies" practice....then...there's no hope for you. Sex is awesome...and if it sucks, you suck!
#6) Fold a piece of paper in half and write a card
How cute is that?! Seriously. And here's the thing. Make it even EXTRA cute by writing a price tag on the back and putting like $34.99 just to make fun of Valentine's Day even more.
#5) Offer to take care of the baby/pet for the night
Don't split up the chores like you always do. "Alright, you change the kid, I'll clean up." Tell her to sit down and relax, YOU take care of it all for the night. Sometimes it's just awesome to sit down and not have to do any post dinner clean up, or anything. You probably do it all the time. This time though, it's her night.
#4) Bake Cookies
Seriously, dude. It's not that hard. Swing by the grocery store, buy the little thing of premade cookie dough and pop 'em in the oven. Who DOESN'T love fresh baked cookies?!? They'll make the place smell so damn good it'll be like a scratch & sniff episode of Cake Boss.
#3) Put her towel in the dryer while she's showering
THIS is just plain awesome. Has anyone ever done this for you before? A warm towel getting out of the shower. Just awesome. So simple, so appreciated, so awesome. Makes you feel like those little kids in the Snuggle commercials who always look so damn comfortable in their towels.
#2) Give Her a Massage
You know that lotion you use to take care of yourself...yeah, it can be used for other things too. In this case, give her a good massage with it. Here is one video, and here's a second about some basic massage techniques. Put a little research into it. Learn something, not just the normal 2 minutes of rubbing then complaining your hands hurt or saying, "ugh, I'm not very good at this." Seriously. Stop being a bitch about it.
My couple of suggestions, use the elbow to give your hands a break sometimes AND go slow. Take your time when you're rubbing her. Back, neck, feet, legs, butt, hands, wherever, it all feels good. Shit, go all out. Give her a full body massage like she's never had before. A full body massage that will transition beautifully into the nicest thing you can do, because only YOU can do this for her....
#1) Kiss Her
I'm not talking a little peck here. I'm talking like Rose finding out Jack didn't die and him showing up at her doorstep. Alright, maybe not that dramatic, but just stop and kiss. Remember the good ol' days when you first started seeing each other, and you didn't care who was around. You'd stop on the street, pin her up against the wall and go all Jonathon Toews on her Roberto Luongo in a round of tonsil hockey? Remember? Do that. Just kiss. A good, nice, slow kiss. Maybe you're doing the thing where you put a hand on her face...I'm notorious for this. Ever since I saw it in a movie, before I even started kissing girls, I LOVED that move. And hey, for you, that's fine. Take it. Take that move. Brush her hair behind her ear and just...kiss.
Godspeed little toaster. Go now...do good.
Filed under: Tips for Him