Dating vs Masturbating - What's the Better Choice?

Dating vs Masturbating - What's the Better Choice?

Alrite, listen...I know that every guy out there is a complete lying, cheating, backstabbing, scum of the Earth, rat bastard piece of shit that's gonna say and do and try anything he can just to get you into bed, leave before you wake up the next day and never call again...I know that…but I also know that any guy that is like that is because he was with a girl who was a snotty, uptight, prude ass, little bitch, that clings to deceit, worships her friends opinions more than her own existence and eventually ends up agreeing with them on what a loser he is!  And any girl that is like that is because guys are like that and any guy that’s like that is because girls are like that. It’s a vicious circle, back and forth, constantly flowing, never ending, check mate, fatality, battleship sunk!

I don’t know who started it guys or girls, but I’m willing to bet it was the women. And I’m not trying to bash women here, I’m just saying…guys may be assholes, but at least we try to be honest about it. We’ll be at a bar hitting on a girl and she'll mention that she's not into one night stands, we'll say we have to go to the bathroom and never come back.  That is a dick move, but at least we are letting you know what we were interested in! You ever try to get honesty out of a girl?  GOOD LUCK!  Here’s something that every guy has dealt with. A girl wants to break up with YOU, so she starts crying. Right off the bat it’s manipulative, you’re feeling bad for her cause she's crying, she's crying cause she's breaking up with you, so in reality: you're feeling bad for her for dumping YOU?!?!

Well where the fuck’s the logic in that?  You broke up with ME - don't use me for your support system.  That's like Hitler going to a Jewish therapist...that shit ain't gonna work!  Then she starts with the It’s not you, it’s me…FINISH THE SENTENCE… "It’s not you it’s me, I want to f*ck other people”…that’s what you’re really getting at! Don’t give me the "it’s not you, it’s me" garbage or the "you’ll find someone better" bullshit…the truth is, you’ve found another guy who lies better than I do! That’s what’s happening here…I’m not crying because we broke up, I’m crying cause I’m a shitty salesmen! And I need to work on that.

Girls need to understand that guys are stupid. Our intentions are good but they only go so far. If we happen to remember our anniversary, be happy with that, don’t be pissed because we can’t remember your favorite flower. And if we happen to remember your favorite flower then perk up and stop bitching about our anniversary. We’re trying our best! Between the anniversary, the birthday, Christmas, sweetest day, and valentine’s day, it’s no wonder every guy is a lying bastard…being truthful with a girl lock’s you into 5 un-paid holidays that in fact could require a lot of over time. But girls know this about guys and yet they still fall into the trap. I HATE when I hear this from girls…"oh he hurt me, he lied to me, he used me"…listen girls, you’re meeting a guy at the bar, you’ve had 4 shots of tequila, what did you think was gonna happen? Guys are good at 2 things, making a girl laugh and making a girl cry…and they usually come in that order, ladies! Guys are comprised of 10 percent humor and 90 percent dickhead…the next time I hear a girl say “he used me” I'm gonna get a big blow up dick that says “I TOLD YOU SO” and smack her in the face with it!  It's time to wake up and see that guys are dicks, girls are bitches, guys are blunt, girls are naive and nobody is going to be truly happy in this world until both parties accept that.  Once you've realized that a soul mate isn't about flowers and sunshine, but rather despise and regret the quicker you're gonna find one!

Girls have the nerve to give us a fake number at the bar.  A FAKE NUMBER!  How cruel can you be...and girls wonder why guys don't call sometimes?  I can't tell you how many times I've woken up with a massive hang over, feeling like I head f*cked a wall the night before and the only thing keeping me motivated for the day was the thought of calling the sweet, beautiful, Angel I met the night before at the bar...I pull out my phone and go to dial and I dial 588-2300!!!  That old wrinkly bastard from the Empire Carpet commercials has cock blocked more guys that he could have ever imagined.  And ironically enough he's still the only one laying carpet at the end of that phone call!

All I want is a balance between crazy and psycho, is that too much to ask?  It's almost better to be let down before you even hook up with the girl...because the real downer of the situation with girls is that the better looking the girl is, the worse she is in bed!  A super model has been handed everything her whole life and hasn’t had to put effort forth for anything.  Guys have thrown themselves and their wallets right at the girl just for the off-chance they might get a taste of paradise.  Well it's not paradise, it's as frigid as Antarctica.  It’s always the average girls that are great in bed because they have to be.  Guys know that’s true; you’re out at a bar and the lies mix with alcohol just the right way and you bring home a supermodel for the night, you could have foreplay for an hour and she’ll still just lay there cause she can, you’ll actually consider a career in taxidermy after stuffing that dead beaver all night.  That’s not what sex should be, you want an aggressor!  That is why you need to bring home a plain Jane girl, cause those are the wild f*ckers.  You want the best sex of your life - then bring home an average looking girl and you will see a side of crazy you’ve never seen.  We’re talkin’ head boards bangin’, mattress grindin’, booty bouncin’ SO HOT that the dog’s in the corner whackin’ off with sunglasses and a cigarette.  I want an average looking girl.  A girl who’s worked her whole life; she didn’t get handed anything.  I want a girl who’s had to hump her way up the corporate ladder.  A girl whose mastered the 3 steps to promotion: meet & greet, wine & dine, and suck & f*ck, RAISE, BONUS, PROMOTION!.  I want a girl who’s gonna jump on me and clutch onto me like I’m a life boat for the Titanic.  I want a maniac, the kind of girl that could give a scare crow a boner.  Guys know these girls I’m talkin’ about.  You meet ‘em at the bar and they look like a school teacher, you get ‘em in the bed and they turn into the Exorcist..."F*CK ME F*CK ME F*CK ME…your mother sucks cocks in hell"…What??? I love you!

That is why masturbation is always the best choice...you're never let down, you don't have to fake it, and you never have to speed up and pull an ass muscle cause someone wants it faster.  The best part about masturbation is there is never regret because it's all your own fantasy, it could be WHOEVER you want...Carmen Electra, Jennifer Connelly, the waitress at Denny's, my sister...shit, your sister...it's all good because it ends the way you want it too...on your belly!  Happy relationship hunting...of course this is just the 2 cents from a broke man!

VC

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Comments

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  • Okay, I almost peed myself laughing. That was fuckin' hilarious!

  • ....The better choice is to kill yourself for thinking like such a small-minded and diseased New York roach........

  • In reply to MrsMommy:

    Like.

  • I couldn't stop laughing. Great read. Finally someones says what we all really think. MrsMommy is only angry you described her so well (girl who was a snotty, uptight, prude ass, little bitch, that clings to deceit, worships her friends opinions more than her own existence and eventually ends up agreeing with them on what a loser he is!) If she was so offended why waste time continuing to read and commenting on this article. Keep writing VC!

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