With the new year upon us everybody is setting their New Year's resolutions. And for all you fatties out there, it's going to be the same one it was last year...and the year before that...and the year before that. Jesus christ, you've been setting the same resolution for the past decade, haven't you?! I'm sure you said THIS last year too, right?! "This is the year, I'm really gonna make it happen." Aaaaaand you didn't. So you're staring at your love handles, flabby ass and gut that just won't go away thinking, "whatever, it's not that bad..."
I'm here to tell you it is, chubs!
Proven Method for Losing Weight
Alright, so, I don't know if you heard about this one yet, but it's absolutely amazing. Forget the thighmasters and nutri-systems of the world, turns out there's a time-tested, 100% guaranteed way to lose weight and get in shape. Holy shit, it's called eating healthy and exercising. Check this shit out too, even PROVEN to help you lead a healthier lifestyle. I know, right?! So put down the 3 Big Mac Snack Wraps, plumpy, and let's start getting down to business.
Maybe you've seen biggest loser, or Rocky, or, my all time favorite, Miracle, there's always some motivator in the person's life. Something that's giving them drive. The motivator I'm implanting in your brain today like Arnold Schwarzenagger in Total Recall...sex.
There's a reason guys spend almost all of their brain energy thinking about it, and the reason everybody is trying to get it...plain and simple, it's amazing. Love, love is great too, but sex...sex is it's completely it's own thing. But here's the catch, great sex requires physical conditioning. Let that soak in for a moment.
The Climax of All Climaxes - An Example
I'm not saying it is, but what if the best orgasm you and your partner could possibly achieve is if you're having sex standing up. Like, if you're the dude, you're holding her up by her ass and she has her legs wrapped around you. Again, this is just to prove my point, there are far better positions. But, let's say it's the way your legs are angled and her legs around you so she gets the feeling of an orgasm on top of that strangely erotic feeling you get from climbing a rope. If, by some means, THAT was the best sex you could ever have...as an overweight individual, you will NEVER have that. The greatest joy in being of a species that has sex for fun, YOU would not be able to enjoy because you decided you'd rather have seconds...thirds...fourths...THE WHOLE DAMN SALAD BAR!
The Sex Scale
Let's put sex on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best sex ever. Now I'm not talking ball gags, chains and handcuffs here, that's it's own thing. I'm talking purely the act. The physical act of thrusting, and pushing, and twisting, and pulsing, and breathing, and sweating, holding yourself up, collapsing on top of someone, doing that awesome thing where when she's on top you lift your ass as high off the bed as possible, the humping, the grabbing, the pulling...all of that physical activity. The more in shape you are, brace yourself, the more of ALL THAT you can do.
Looking at the chart, it's kind of sad to know that Taft never got to have really great sex, isn't it? The man led our nation, but died only getting marriage sex at best.
Sex is a physically exhaustive activity. Ever get done and have your abs hurt the next day? No? Well you should...it's kind of a good way to remember how awesome the previous night was when every time you laugh you have to put a hand on your stomach from the pain.
And here, here is the very thesis of this entire post...the healthier you are, the better sex you can have. There's an innate reason men and women are attracted to healthier looking bodies, and now, I'd like to take a look at some of the, much much less, scientific reasons why.
You know that really good sex with a person to the point where you just start to get physically exhausted and sweaty? You're both rolling around, sweat mixing with sweat, sliding against the other person. It's pretty cool, right?! In moderation, yes. But now, let's swap out averagely active male A (AAMA), with super inactive male B (SIMB).
30 seconds in, SIMB is already starting to show signs of not being in this for the long run, and we're not even talking premature ejaculation. Just, physically, after 30 seconds of thrusting, there's already tit sweat forming...under his, not yours. He's hanging in there though. And now, our attractive female in this case begins to feel the sweat, when she's barely even started this horizontal tango.
She goes to kiss your neck and practically drowns as it runs into her nose. She tries to wrap her legs around you but they just slide right off. Next thing you know, it's dripping from on top of your head and into her face like some kind of messed up sexual Chinese water torture. And at that point, it's game over. She'd rather not finish than continue with the roman bath house you've created on her bed. Sure, she might push forward, but now, now you're having mediocre sex. Way to go, 1986 Carnie Wilson!
Guys already have a bad rep in the bedroom because of the whole penis thing. Either the sex is too short, or they are. Let's say you've managed to make it past those two feats however, you're now faced with a different problem of not being in shape. If you're doing it right, most times, you're going to get tired. Either your holding her legs up, burrowing your groundhog like Punxatawney Phil, or she's decided to take control and jumped aboard your rocketship with thrusters burning to the O-sysem, OR you actually know enough of what you're doing to try out some different, rather awesome, positions (I suggest the Parachuter, personally!). Regardless, it's going to take some work if you want to be any good.
Nobody likes a dead fish in the bedroom. You hear me?! NOBODY likes a dead fish in bed. Alright, maybe necrophiliacs, but if that's what you're into, this post really isn't for you. Like...at all.
Here's what I'm getting at; as you're going through the motions of it all, using your body to do what it does, it's going suck when it starts to give out on you before either of you get to finish. As a man, personally, I like to see the girl finish. That is what's most exciting for me. And if I can't continue doing, whatever it is, I'm doing when you say "oh yeah, right there, don't stop"...I have failed. So have you if that happens.
There's a reason people have their dream lists of who they want to sleep with, and it's not because they're KNOWN to be better in bed. It's the looks! Now I'm not saying you need to look like me, or Brad Pitt (see how I slid that in there?! - heyoh, that's what she said!), I'm just saying a good percentage of great sex comes from the emotional, just as much as the physical. Now I'm not saying you need the washboard abs, or shoulders like Tom Hardy in Warrior, just don't be super gross.
Let's think about it from a pure "Golden Rule" perspective, perhaps my favorite piece of advice to ever live by, "do unto other as you would have them do unto you." So, let's say you're a chick, do you really want some dude's stomach propped up on your lower back while he does you from behind? Probably not. Let's say the chick you're with is just as attractive as the T-Mobile girl, do you think she's going to feel comfortable when your boobs are bigger than hers? Or, if you've got the old lady bingo arm wings going? It's all about consideration.
Plus, when you feel good...YOU FEEL GOOD! If you're happy with your body and confident in it's abilities, it's going to show in the bedroom. And confidence...well...that's a post for another day.
All in All, Get Off Your Ass
That's the real point EVERYTHING you just read was meant to convey. This New Year's, when you set that goal of losing weight, just remember how much better sex can be. Yes, for the other person when you're lasting more than 2 mins, but for you also.
For God's sake, it's time. You're reading this right now knowing I'm right. You're already thinking, "wow, I really am losing out on great sex because I prefer Taco Bell to Whole Foods." Stop replacing that emptiness inside of you with food and start replacing it with sex...safe sex. First, eating better. Second, the gym. Third...the sex, WHICH is also a workout! Bam! ...bam. (microphone drop, walk off stage)
Filed under: Tips for Life