Avoid these Christmas songs at all costs

Any version of "Santa Baby," from Eartha Kitt's to Madonna's to Gwen Stefani's, is a must-miss for any holiday season.

Any version of "Santa Baby," from Eartha Kitt's to Madonna's to Gwen Stefani's, is a must-miss for any holiday season.

In many previous entries, Six Pack has expressed his fondness of all things Christmas - movies, TV specials, confections, songs ... well, most songs, that is.

Six Pack owns 213 Christmas CDs, and makes a point to listen to each during the season. Of course, that season stretches from about Halloween until New Year’s Day. My former co-workers can attest to this, and many of them cited this very fact on their exit interviews, but I don’t think Six Pack’s music selections were the lone cause of their leaving a sinking ship.

Six Pack genuinely enjoys most Christmas songs, but not all. There are some that annoy even Six Pack, the most un-Scrooge-like blogger you probably have ever read. There are some songs that are complete nonsense, and some are just downright weird. Some grow on you, but remember, so does fungus. Some you just want to avoid.

This Six Pack is the traditional Christmas songs that even Six Pack struggles with. Keep in mind, there ARE many more, but these six are the ones you will most likely hear in the stores and on the radio song-athons around Christmas Eve. Some are versions of the songs, some are the songs themselves sung by anyone. Either way, Six Pack doesn’t need to hear them again.

6) “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid --- A good idea (helping feed the needy in Africa) gone bad by its questionable lyrics. Penned by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, the lyrics include “there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime (is there ever?) and some other silliness, but the most inexplicable words come from the the mouth of Bono - “Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.” Bono sings it so convincingly that you wonder if you heard it right. Yeah, you did.

The line has bothered me for years, but Six Pack found an explanation from Songfacts.com:

“Bono enjoyed the song except for the line "Tonight, thank God, it's them instead of you." He recalled in the book U2 by U2: "It's the most biting line, and actually reveals how selfish a mindset we all have underneath. I think (lyrist) Bob (Geldof) was trying to be honest and raw and self-accusatory. Rather than sing, 'We're lucky it's not us' he was saying: 'Well, when you say that, you mean 'lucky it's them.' Now look at it. Now look at yourself.'"

As it turned out, that was the very line Bob Geldof expected Bono to sing. "I told him I didn't want to sing the line. He said, 'This is not about what you want, OK? This is about what these people need.' I was too young to say, 'This is about what you want.' But it was his show and I was happy to be in it. I knew it needed some force, the line. I kind of did an impersonation of Bruce Springsteen, that was really what was in my mind."

That saves the song a little, but it still comes in at No. 6.

5) “Little Drum Machine Boy” by Beck --- Full disclosure, Six Pack isn’t a huge Beck fan to begin with and “Little Drummer Boy” might be his least favorite traditional non-secular Christmas song. (Six Pack does like Bob Seger’s version.) Still, Beck’s constant drum beat goes on for more than seven minutes and overwhelms the mutated lyrics. It certainly makes for a happier holiday season when it is over (the song, not the season.)

4) “Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses --- The Waitresses are known mostly for “I Know What Boys Like” and this ditty from 1981, although they practically sound like the same song. Six Pack will give some credit here - it takes a special something to get an original song to become a Christmas standard. That tidbit falls under Mama Six Pack’s Christmas rule of saying something nice even if you don’t like the gift.

3) “Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t be Late)” by Alvin and the Chipmunks --- Released in 1958, this song has been annoying people for close to 60 years now. And it will be around for at least 60 more, even though Six Pack won’t. The song was on a loop in the mall where Six Pack worked for 10 years and he was lucky enough to hear it on every break. Six Pack does enjoy the Bob Rivers’ parody “Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire,” though.

2) “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney --- Here is proof that even one of the greatest songwriters of all-time can be off his game. It seems Sir Paul received a Casio keyboard on Christmas morning and wanted to write a song before noon. The first note of this song sends Mrs. Six Pack into a holiday conniption, so it does have one redeeming quality, Six Pack’s best guess is that McCartney wanted to prove people would buy anything he put his name on. Six Pack does know people who like it, so maybe Sir Paul won the bet.

1) “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt --- It’s not just Catwoman, it is anyone who sings this awful, greed-filled song. Even Six Pack darling Kelly Clarkson has a version and Six Pack doesn’t like hers, either. Six Pack realizes it is all tongue-in-cheek, but it just spoils the meaning of Christmas with the gimme-this, gimme-that attitude. Six Pack also hates car commercials with cars with big bows on them, too, but that is a different story for a different day You know what I hope Santa gives her for Christmas - herpes!

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