By A Comeaux
Reflecting on recent events, I took a few notes on my past relationships’ highlights and downfalls. Interesting. There is a common denominator, obviously being me, but there’s more to me than meets the moment.
Who was I in these various relationships?
What personality did I operate from and what did I feed on from my lovers…?
My introspection lead me to an aha moment. I wanted to share this revelation with my exes, be it via an apology or a rant, but I opted to dispel the myth that is me right here…!
I’m by no normal standard a relationship expert, but I’ve learned a plethora of lessons when I paid attention to a few of my own, usually retrospectively, lessons learned no less.
Over the weekend, I sat on a panel with my fellow Six Brown Chicks and six men to engage in dialogue on relationships, dating, roles and rules of engagement. Most of this panel I held a ‘wtf’ look on my face, honestly shocked or repulsed by what I heard from the ladies in the audience, or the men who sat beside me.
These men dared to brave an auditorium full of women who had questions and sincere concerns about the inner workings of a man’s mind; so, kudos, gentlemen, and I praise the women as well.
It’s not easy to stand before hundreds and bare the ills of your heart and relationships past.
One particular story struck me, so much to the point of me jotting down the very traits I embody.
I once was ‘that’ girl. I’ve found myself choosing a role early on in all of my dealings, be it the coveted good girl, prude and bashful when the partner seemed to need that version of me. I was who they needed me to be, and I did not focus on what I needed.
Instead, I was on my best behavior due to their flaws. When I was the good girl, it was usually because they were so flawed that it simply was no room for (more) error. Epic fail.
If I can’t have a bad day, if I can’t lean on your shoulder in a low mood, you don’t deserve my light energy and support. (*Insert bad girl persona.)
After muffling my cries, I figured to give the dark twin a go and see what fun or foolery would ensue. Trust me, being a heartbreaker and wild-child isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
Feeling like I can’t love freely to a deserving heart, takes the beauty out of it all.
Listening to others’ experiences showed me something about myself. I felt validated for taking this oath to heal, become and stay single with no exceptions to settle.
By preparing myself to present my best, I will accept no less from my partner.
In love, I can be good, bad and all things in between if I know that who I’m with can handle it and not judge me.
Realizing everyone doesn’t deserve my best, no more than a random heart deserves my worst, became the microcosm in the melody that is my love life.
Yes, I’m a Gemini, but I’m a grown woman responsible for what I cause to happen as well as what happens to me.
I am no victim.
When I look back at what ‘they’ did, I’ve learned to immediately look at my role.
What did my actions or lack thereof, say was okay to do with me? Today, I have my ‘everything’ to offer, and that’s exactly what I want.