Excerpt by Maxine Muwwakkil
I’m growing for sure through this stage and experience of life, but I’m finding myself weak and strong all at the same time.
I know God, but I don’t have Him in the right place. I love and want Eddie so much, but Eddie is tearing me down.
We’re staying in my house but technically he lives with his mother, so he won’t help me pay bills or anything until we make an announcement to his mother that we’re engaged.
Emotionally, Eddie and I got too crazy.
We began fighting, breaking up, and going to church separately. For two years we were always seen together. Now our life is being played out in the church and I just can’t have that drama in my church and not when that drama is about me.
Church is my strength, my place of solace.
I stopped allowing Eddie to go to church with me and then he really flipped out. His BPD Borderline Personality Disorder comes out now.
Oh it’s an illness for sure that a bunch of sick, bi-polar people been projecting on the decent, good and innocent for quite a while, causing us all kinds of unnecessary stress, craziness and disrupting the lives of good women.
Eddie will have to go home with his mommy until he can be a man to me, but that’s not so easy when you love a crazy-ass man.
The nest is empty now.
Financially, it feels like life is turning upside down even with a 21% increased salary job.
I’m not out for the count on all levels and I’m gonna’ stand my ground somewhere.
There is some dignity still here no matter how bleak things look.
Yeah, I’m weary as I approach the “filthy fifties,” but I’m not down and out for the count.
Seven years on and off with Eddie because he’s looking forward while running backwards--and mommy is on his side telling him I’m crazy like every other girlfriend he’s ever had.
Going up against a man’s mommy is like waiting for her grave, so I give up, as hard as hell as it was and though I moved on, years later my heart still wanders back for him without the craziness.
It was an endless love.
My friends are few. Some became toxic over time and I had to cut the poison out, so that what remained could thrive.
Stumbling blocks and obstacles are no longer a challenge because I’ve built some muscles after age 30.
Once all the cobwebs and closets are cleaned out and the dust settles, keeping it real is all you have left and it’s all you can do.
For sure, you will now find out who you really are and what you’re really made of.
Finding yourself after age 30 is finding that person who existed before age 30 and living that life to the fullest.
I’ll be forever 29, because I love what I’m discovering; finding me more and more, a woman, a person that I like, a precious creation made by God. I didn’t come from dust, so there will be no trampling on me.
I know my worth--and so should you!
Like a novel, keep turning the pages and re-writing the story.
It gets richer and better with every chapter.
Peace and Blessings.
Follow Maxine on Twitter: @Max_LuvLifeLive