By Gina B.
Okay, ladies. Let's talk about the importance of sex.
There are certain mechanical aspects of a relationship -- components that it desperately needs in order to survive.
If your relationship is devoid of any of the following components, it might be time to re-evaluate:
Like/love. Otherwise, what's the point, right?
Respect. Listen to the lyrics of Aretha Franklin classic. You'll understand.
Time. Quality time together in a relationship is essential.
Trust/honesty. These two go hand in hand. Without one, you rarely have the other. Without either, you have nothing.
Sex. Very essential for physical closeness and the well-being of a relationship.
All of the above are essential, but today I'm focusing on #5 because some of us seem to think that sex is optional, and should be doled out as part of a reward system. For some, #5 is used as punishment if any of numbers 1 through 4 have been violated.
But, let's be clear -- if you have all of the other components of a relationship except for sex, or the promise of sex, all you have is a really good friend. Good friends are great, but most men won't put up with the rest of your high-maintenance behavior if you're not putting out.
Case in point, I have a friend whom I call The Warden. She is legendary for putting her boyfriends on sexual lockdown when they piss her off.
The Warden is of the faulty opinion that withholding the goodies is going to somehow force her men into better behavior patterns.
For example, if a boyfriend shows up late and doesn't call, he's sleeping alone for a week. Forgets to run an errand for her? No cuddle partner. After an argument? The drought can be endless. At the same time, she tries to reward good behavior by giving him an extra special workout.
Essentially, The Warden is a human doggy biscuit.
She thinks that her guys will step up to the plate if they want fringe benefits. I've pointed out to The Warden that she hasn't seen great results. Has withholding sex ever turned her boyfriends into more thoughtful people? No. Do they develop better time management skills? Hellz no!
Her actions backfire, create a greater divide between her and her men, and eventually cause them to go sniffing around for more willing participants.
And girls, let's be realistic. A moratorium on the nookie is not fair to him, and more important – it’s not fair to ourselves! We enjoy sex just as much as men – if not more. Does it REALLY make sense to deprive ourselves of a good time just because he's in the dog house? I think not.
Granted, there are times when you're not going to be on the same page. Don't force yourself if you're really not in the mood. But, you have to find a schedule that works best for both libidos and stick to it no matter what -- even if you're fighting.
In relationships, arguments are natural; a lack of sex is not.
If you're really turned off, maybe it's a symptom of a deeper problem. A disappearance of urge might mean that other components are missing. Maybe you've lost respect for him, or no longer trust or love him.
Something to think about, and we will address it on another day.
In the meantime, Get it In…and I wish you a safe and sexy new year!
Filed under: Attraction, Black men, Breakups, Communication, Consistency, Foreplay, Friends With Benefits, Gender roles, Girl Talk, Good Men, Intimacy, Kissing, Love, Relationships, Romance, Sex, Sex partners, Spicy Love Life, Why Some Folks Are Single!, Women