I like Valentine's Day when I'm in a relationship. Because, let's face it . . . I like any occasion that gives me a license to eat chocolate, shop for perverted cards, and celebrate love - or at minimum really intense like.
Now . . . when it comes to men, I don't know any that like Valentine's Day.
Why would they? What do they care about truffles and cutesy boxer shorts with embroidered teddy bears?
Most of them feel anxiety on January 2nd, the minute the stores switch from holiday décor to a regurgitation of red. Either they're not serious about the ones they're with, they're clueless about what to do, or they fold their arms tightly in protest, obstinately refusing to even acknowledge that February 14th has any significance apart from the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
Guys, blatant refusal to participate in Valentine's Day is perfectly acceptable . .. if you're single. If you have a special person in your life, believe me when I tell you that she has Valentine's Day expectations, or at least preferences.
Whether or not she plays it cool and says that she doesn't care, she will scowl when the woman in the adjacent office receives a bouquet of flowers, box of candy, or even a cheesy box of those chalky pastel hearts that have silly sentiments on them.
Most of us don't have expectations of original sonnets or marriage proposals. The earth doesn't have to move; you don't have to stage a parade or go to Jared. We just want to know you're thinking of us. That's all.
The smart man has learned to tolerate Valentine's Day. Even if he hates it, he knows that it's important to his significant other and he wants to make her happy. This man also knows that the V-Day situation can be a win-win. A small gesture can yield great rewards later that evening.
Guys, here are a few guidelines that will ensure a happy
Valentine's Day for both of you.
1. Know your woman. Is she allergic to flowers? Does chocolate give her hives? Understand those things about her and gift accordingly.
2. At minimum, get a cute card. If you're in a new not-so-serious relationship, select something light-hearted that will make her laugh. For the best selection, buy the card before February 14th.
3. If you plan to have dinner, make a reservation. Don't think you're just going to be able to "drop in" somewhere on Valentine's Day. You will piss off your date and dramatically decrease your chances of getting lucky.
4. Skip the teddy bears and stuffed animals. In theory, they're cute for only about five minutes. We never know what to do with them.
5. Don't go overboard with chocolate. As much as I love chocolate, a 100-piece box would do nothing but give me thigh anxiety. A 20-piece box or even a 5-10 piece box would suffice. Plan to share it with us!
6. Whatever you do, do it from the heart and with a sincere interest in making it a fun day. Don't remind her of how much you hate the day and what it stands for.
Guys, you will thank me later.
Ladies, may your sweetness be his weakness!