By Java Scott
I was asked to put pen to paper and give my sisters a list of six do's and don'ts for their 2018 love lives; what not to do when it comes to your man, how to deal with his exes, what to get him for his birthday when he's not officially
yours, how to carry yourself when you meet that mama's boy's mama, how not to catch the clap.
You know, anything that would be deemed vital as we enter a new year, and potentially new relationship.
As I sat here scribbling my list, "Blond" (by the master of feelings, Frank Ocean) graced my stereo on repeat.
So many emotions were triggered as I began to reflect on my OWN love life over the past year. So many tears. So many rough, seemingly unbearable moments. So many smiles. So many laughs. So many memories. So much growth. The more I reflected, the more I realized that love is a growing experience, something that requires constant evolving and change. So here are a few of the things that I have found brewing in my spirit to share.
6 Things Women Should--and Should NOT--Do in 2018
WE WILL LEARN OUR LOVE LANGUAGE.
The first song that graced my stereo was "Seigfried." The song ends with the repetitive line, "I'd do anything for you" and that resonated with me.
We're often willing to do anything for our partners, but our partners don't always need JUST anything. They need specific time, specific touch. But what does that mean?
There is a book written by Gary Chapman entitled "The Five Love Languages"
and essentially, the book is about the 5 ways people like to receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, and quality time.
In 2018, ladies, PLEASE learn your love language, and your partner's. Simply getting in tune with the way someone wants to feel your love. It sounds relatively mild, but it's one of THE best things you can do to spice things up. It is literally vital to the flow of the relationship. How can you say you love someone if you don't even know the way they like... no, scratch that... NEED
to be loved?
Some people prefer quality time, some physical touch, some, like me, need to hear that I'm the shiznyee and you only have eyes for me. Now listen, I'm not suggesting you go spend money on a book just to throw it in your man's face that you like quality time and he bought you a waffle maker and that's why you left him for his brother. No ma'am. I'm telling you to learn the way you like to be loved
, learn the way your partner likes to be loved,
and find ways to cater to both needs, if not the same.
Do you like to be caressed and rubbed? Do you prefer to just bask in their presence? Do they prefer for you to hang a picture for them for once? What is it? Not knowing doesn't necessarily mean that things will fall apart. But knowing certainly changes things.
For nearly a year, I was loving a man the way I liked to be loved, and he was doing the same. Needless to say, it didn't work out, because neither one of us were serious enough about loving someone else in that capacity. Do yourself, and your partner, a favor by taking the test (www.5lovelanguages.com).
Ladies, we're taking on this new Rosetta Stone this year. We're embracing our love languages!
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WE WILL NOT PLAY HOUSE WITH ANYONE LESS THAN A SPOUSE.
Girl, I'm telling you that we are NOT playing house with anything less than a spouse. Yeah, you. I'm talking to you. Hell, I'm talking to me
too. We've all done it. We learn the way that man likes to be loved and we do THE EXTRANEOUS. Oh, he likes his back rubbed every night? Let me rub his back every night, and while I'm at it, let me cook three square meals a day, and let me exhaust some of my funds, and call and check on his mama everyday, and go shopping with his sisters, and breathe his air all day, jump through hoops whenever summoned.
I know some of you read that and immediately thought to yourself, "Oh no! She did all that? She must be crazy!"... oh, but indeed, you are too, beloved. Think about it. How many times have you done "little" things for your man that added up? Things that you look back in retrospect and say, "Man, I was doing a lot for a man that barely loved me"...?
Gave him a little too much money. Cooked one too many a meal when he only feeds you on special occasion? Found yourself more involved in his family drama than he was? Right. Next year, ladies, we are saving SOMETHING for marriage.
It's fine to love and love hard, but have boundaries. Be careful with the amount of nights you allow him to sleep over, or the amount of nights you "accidentally" fall asleep. Be cautious not to be so quick to extract funds on his behalf. Cook one meal a week. We are not performing wifely duties for anything less than a husband.
Okay, well let me delve deeper... I'm definitely NOT saying to treat him like he means nothing and just make him chase you. Absolutely not. BUT, I am saying to leave a mystery. Don't give him too much. Give him something to look forward to. Don't run yourself dry for something that you aren't even sure is permanent. 2018, ladies, we are NOT #TeamTooMuch, but rather #TeamDoingJustEnoughConsideringMyTaxesStillSaySingle.