It's difficult to determine the motive of every man who approaches you.
Always assuming the worst would make you a cynic; however, believing every word a man says would make you gullible.
Men lie, as do women. Learning to decipher code language, verbal and non-verbal, can be the difference in giving your heart to the wrong man or eliminating him as a viable option.
If a man tells you that he doesn't believe in labels. He's almost certainly lying.
By nature, men are territorial creatures. Since childhood, we've used labels to mark the territory of items we value. If we went to shoot hoops in the park and brought our favorite basketball, it most certainly had our name or initials somewhere on it. We wanted to make sure everyone knew this was our ball.
Labeling someone as our girlfriend is no different.
A man's unwillingness to claim you is a blatant lack of commitment. It's not that he doesn't believe in labels. He just doesn't believe in labeling you, specifically, as his woman. He wants the ability to move freely without the burden of a relationship.
He's likely prone to disappearing acts, or only hanging out with you during the week and not the weekend. It's because you're not his primary love interest.
If not even his pinky toe touches you after sex, he is likely using you only for sex. Obviously, not all men are inclined to cuddle, but a drastic change in his demeanor is a dead giveaway. Many men have experienced the instantaneous feeling of disgust, post-ejaculation, when lying with a woman he's only entertaining for sex.
If you only hang-in and never hangout, as in a date, that's another dead giveaway. If you used to go on dates prior to having sex, and now he only comes over to visit, it's his way of recouping the overhead cost of the start-up of sex.
Like a business, he is looking for the return on his investment.
It's a thin line between secrecy and privacy, but there is a difference.
A private person is guarded and doesn't offer up any information above and beyond what is asked. Sharing makes them uncomfortable. It's a threat to their security. However, a secretive person is attempting to conceal information. Their actions are conscious.
A consistently facedown phone (or one that is always in airplane mode) is absolutely cause for concern.
It's a conscious decision he is making to conceal some sort of extracurricular activity. Maybe it's not another woman; maybe it's a Ponzi Scheme, either way it should make you suspicious.
Keep in mind, suspicion is not a basis for the invasion of privacy. Snooping around will break down the trust in a relationship. If trust is already compromised, you have to question if finding proof is even necessary. Most of the time when a woman is desperately searching for a smoking gun, it's an ongoing excuse not to end the relationship. Even when the elusive hardcore evidence is found, these women figure out how to explain away the issue. It's never about the evidence. It's about coming to grips with the loss of a relationship without denying yourself the ability to celebrate all that was once enjoyable about it.
Torri Stuckey is an author, public speaker and community activist. A former professional athlete, since hanging up his cleats Torri has made it his life's mission to uplift the black community. His new release His Dough, Her Cookie, and the widespread success of his previous title, Impoverished State of Mind, has fully cemented Torri’s transition from professional athlete to professional author.
Meet Torri: We're excited to announce that Torri will be on our panel at the Black Women's Expo. See you Saturday! #SBCCHAT