By A Comeaux
“To lose everything and find yourself is the greatest treasure”
I didn’t think that last storm was unique, as I’ve witnessed women bounce back like they never tripped. So amazed at the recovery I didn’t think of the premature wound that is her heart.
I realized that when I was in those very same stilettos ready to dust off and strut on without a beat missed, my spirit said, ‘No, not this time.’ So I gave myself a #60DayCleanse. It pushed me to my sanity’s limits with its unnerving request for me to rid my body of all toxins, including people.
My doctor said that I had insomnia. A therapist convinced me I was suffering with anxiety. Whole Foods had $3 bottles of wine. And let’s face it, there’s always a willing licker of wounds. This concoction for my inner ills could’ve killed me on a good day.
Whatever was wrong with me, I was going to face it, not cower, not flee, but face and destroy it at once. That was well over a year ago.
Today I can articulate my evolution with pride.
‘I’m sorry I misrepresented myself to you.’ This woman I’m becoming is confident in a way only self-love can champion.
I am peaceful enough to humble myself in chaos and affect change by being still.
I’m at ease knowing a lover won’t call again without guilt or pressure to appease.
How do I explain myself to possible lovers now? ‘Hi, I’d like to date you but I’m seriously celibate.’ No? I’ve yet to find that space of affection and companionship without sex.
A woman can be content with an occasional hug after dinner and sweet text before bed, but men want that dinner tab paid in humps!
I know as sure as the day is long, if I played a role written by ‘them,’ my life may be easier if those parts were for sale. But nothing is.
I am a whole woman with a full soul and no parts of me are divided.
My spirit is aligned with my body that conspires with my heart after agreeing with my mind; I am at one within. I am willing to sacrifice the outwardly pleasures for a soul stimulating experience that I will simply call Love. Whatever spills over will adorn our lives because we are full on the inside first, kind of Love.
I’ll remain celibate until… I want my body kept above all.
This is how I healed from sexual trauma.
This is how I heal my triggers for depression and anxiety, by keeping myself aligned.
I won’t numb myself to give away part of me that my heart is weeping about sharing. I won’t compete with your lust at the expense of my peace. I’ve spent too much of my energy using my body to make peace when I had no peace within.
Giving it up to keep the drama down, to keep them happy, to keep them home, and to keep them keeping me. That’s dead.
This love I’m manifesting will be matched and multiplied with a prosperous abundance of peace, joy and adventure. I’m in no rush. I know full well I’ll miss out on many ‘good’ ones and I’m just fine with seeing them go. They are not mine. They will not be taking any of my pieces with them when they depart.
I’m protecting all my wondrous parts with my life, because ladies, our bodies are our lives. When we get real within, we will see the outcomes are only what we planted, what we allowed and what we birthed.
I take full responsibility for the ills that choked me.
So I will also relish with the knowledge of self that abounds my life today.
I am A Comeaux, a woman becoming and seriously celibate.
A Comeaux is on Facebook.
A Comeaux is the writer, speaker and actor who poetically paints pictures of life and love with a paradoxical perspective. Follow her on Twitter @KCOSpoke
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