by Dr. Dawj
Did you know that you can be a better leader in your sex life? As a life development and leadership coach, I want you to know that leadership is not just about business, it is also about pleasure and making the total you better.
I had a recent conversation with one of my coaching clients who had some issues with changes in her husband’s bedroom intimacy.
Sex can be a very private topic and I encouraged her to communicate this with her husband and she did, but she wanted to talk about it with me, and wanted me to write about it, in hopes that it could help someone else.
DISCLAIMER: No specific information will be used at my client’s request, to protect her privacy.
“Diva” is between 26-32 years old, a lawyer, has 1 small child and she feels like she has a good marriage of 6 years. She states there is now a disconnection with her husband related to their bedroom intimacy. While their sex life is “very active,” according to the wife, what she views as hot in the bedroom is slightly different than his view. Her enjoyment seems to be in certain positions, but when she has informed her husband of this, he says she is supposed to serve him and ensure that he is happy. To him, only his choice in pleasure matters because it provides the most pleasure for him.
She is in total disagreement with his view and feels like he is not taking her pleasure into consideration. She was very angry and frustrated, and says that she is not enjoying what they once had in the bedroom because he is being selfish and plays the “she should be a submissive wife” card. She mentioned that at one time they had some enjoyment and experimented with what both individuals wanted, but now his preferences have changed within the past 6 months and he only worries about his satisfaction.
My Analytical Chatter:
My personal view was that this should be discussed with the mate in private. In this instance, she is my client and I wanted to provide her with my own personal assessment of the situation and a discovery exercise to complete, in hopes that it would help her. I believe that when two people join sexually, there is a marriage of sorts taking place; a bonding. Just as biblically the man and woman become one flesh in marriage, the sexual intimacy after that has to be one. “One” means that they both have the same goal in mind from sex; whatever they set that goal to be. However, there are still two separate people coming together to make the “oneness” complete. Each person will usually bring their own ideas, experiences, preferences and things that make them go “hmmm” to the mixing bowl, in hopes that it will produce a perfectly baked “sexual experience”. Not all ingredients that each bring to the mixture will work for the other, but they can experiment with different ingredients until they find the right mixture. In my client’s case, they had the right mixture initially, but something changed that caused her to find displeasure, while his pleasure drastically increased.
There are a number of reasons why things could change in this situation: a new lover; mid-life crisis, wanting to add something spicy to the experience, medical reasons, his boys recommended it, she is just being picky, she changed, or because he wants the feeling of control. Regardless of what/who causes things to change, all great leaders know that effective communication and understanding self are both important during any discovery process. It was important for my client to take the lead in self-reflecting and trying to discover what she thought caused the change.
Intimacy Discovery Questionnaire
Below is a partial list of tasks from my Intimacy Discovery Questionnaire. I hope you find them useful for your own intimacy discovery:
- Write down all of the things that make the intimate experience wonderful for you personally.
- Write down all of the things that you enjoy doing that make the experience wonderful for your spouse.
- Write down all of the things that you know for a fact that your spouse enjoys, whether you like doing them or not.
- Write down what you can do to enhance the overall intimate experience. Is it realistic?
Dawj loves people, places, animals, education and being a seasoned chick in life.
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