A Man Reveals: Are You His Starter Chick or a Benchwarmer?

A Man Reveals: Are You His Starter Chick or a Benchwarmer?
Posed by a pro model.

Are You His Starter or A Benchwarmer?: One Thing Single Ladies Must Know

By J. Shawn Durham

I remember it oh too well. In my reckless days, Homegirl was just a hookup to me. Strangely, we became friends during our dalliances. But that’s all we were gonna be: Friends with benefits as I never projected her as the starter for my team.

Excuse the sports metaphor. But since football season is here, let’s use the vernacular. If there’s one thing you single ladies should know about men is that guys start women where we start you. What the hell does that mean? Unwrinkle your forehead and keep reading.

In Chicago, the Bears have their starting quarterback in Jay Cutler. Now Josh McCown played well while Cutler was hurt last season. Still, the organization was committed to Cutler. That meant McCown could toil away on the bench and come in for a few plays when Cutler’s unavailable, or he best go find himself a team that would give him the starter treatment.

If you’re not a number one in a guy’s eyes, you’ll never be a number one. You’re going to ride that bench, only to run a few plays when the starter ain’t around. Cut your losses, ladies. Give it up, turn it loose, as the song says.

If a man ain’t treating you like a starter, cut your losses.

Move on. Quit trying to change his stance. Your efforts might work for a while. Hell, you might even give him a child or two. But just like a bad Edith Wharton novel, you won’t win his heart. If you ain’t getting starter treatment, you’re just a backup. And few backups win that role permanently. Yours should be a long game. You want forever don’t you ladies?

You follow me?

No? Then I’ll be blunt. Maybe he’s just not that into you (remember that?). But as long as you give him – er, um – production off the sexually proverbial bench, we men will keep you on our roster of women.

Or maybe the guy doesn’t even have a roster. But still, you guys don’t really date. You just wind up in the sack. And that’s all he will see you as – a roll in the sack. Not his future. Not the mother of his kids. Just recreation. He likes you but he ain’t feeling you like that. But when he does feel you, prepare to be awed. He’ll take time to know you. He’ll slow roll the buildup to the bedroom. He’ll eliminate the outside noise and drama.

It’s not going to be a protracted battle between Clark and Indigo for Denzel’s affections in Mo’ Betta Blues. Instead, it’s gonna be like As Good As It Gets, when Jack Nicholson earnestly tells Helen Hunt, “You make me want to be a better man.” Yes, it will be that sentimental. And it will be that awesome. And you will feel his commitment to you, his number one. His one and only.

But until then, test free agency. If you don’t, make yourself comfortable and grab some of that bench.


J. Shawn Durham is a writer/journalist/social critic who mines topics that challenge the conventional wisdom of the Zeitgeist. His debut novel,
The Broke Brothers' Revolution, is a provocative, refreshingly honest, male-centric look at how both men and women woefully play the expectations game when it comes to sex and courtship. A 20-year veteran of newspapers and magazines, Durham is creator and editor of The Chauvinist newsletter, and is gearing up to tour his one-man show, Four Broke Guys in cities across the Southeast in 2015. For more on his projects and more commentary, visit his blog at TheBrokeBrothersRevolution.com. You can also tweet him @TheBrokeBrosRev, and email him directly at TheBrokeBrothersRevolution@gmail.com

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