The mission of the Six Brown Chicks is to share our stories in the name of service. B.R.O.W.N. = Being Responsible Obedient Willingly Now. C.H.I.C.K.S. = Choosing Honesty Integrity Commitment Kindness and Self-Worth. (Thank you Dr. Iyanla Vanzant for realigning our mission).
Collectively, we’ve overcome some daunting personal drama (homelessness, workplace bullying, domestic abuse, etc.), and we blog and speak about these issues to strengthen others who may be facing similar challenges in their daily lives.
As you know, the circle of Brown Chicks is ever increasing, and that gives us more opportunities to engage and empower the Universal Sisterhood.
On that note, I must address an issue that has irked me for several weeks now—it seems that some of us are treating our boyfriends like husbands, and we’re getting the short end of the stick in the deal.
Recently, I have been in the company of men that were bold enough to speak their truths about love, sex, and relationships.
During the Black Women’s Expo, several men joined us on the He Says, She Says panel. During the discussion, an audience member divulged the things that she did for her boyfriend, (sex, home-cooked meals, etc.), and she wanted to know what it would take for him to commit.
The short answer, the men told her, was that as long as she was giving her boyfriend the benefits of marriage, (home-cooked meals, cleaning his house, etc.); there was no incentive for him to take the next step and marry her.
Wait, there’s more; another male panelist revealed that some men would string a woman along until the marriage benefits run out, or until he finds the benefits elsewhere. Some women go above and beyond their girlfriend duties with an expectation of marriage or a commitment at the finish line, and they will never get it.
Sometimes children become a part of this scenario, and stress, depression and desperation enter the picture.
This brings me to yet another revealing male perspective, this time, overheard at Yanni's Intimate Discussions gathering. Unlike the He Says She Says panel, several men in this group brought their wives along to discuss relationships in the open forum.
Dave Maxx, co-host of Intimate Discussions, said that some men will know exactly what they DON’T want in a wife, but would play around with that woman anyway; further, nothing she does will make that man commit, as she wasn’t what he wanted in a wife from the very beginning.
What is a woman to do if she doesn’t receive a return on her love investment? Get out of there! You're wasting your time, energy and your pretty years on a man that you've spoiled rotten. Take your wife benefits package elsewhere.
Next time around:
1. Ask him what he wants from you in the very beginning of the courtship. More often than not, men will be incredibly honest at this stage).
2. Listen to him and act accordingly. If he says he likes you, but is not interested in being your man, know that nothing you do will change that. Don’t treat your sex partner like a boyfriend; don’t treat your boyfriend like a husband. IF you decide to accept the role he has for you, act accordingly.
3. Continue to explore your options. If he’s not committed to you, don’t be committed to him. Continue to date until you find the one who wants the love you want and is willing to grow with you.
Love you. Choose you. And you won't lose you.