Girl Talk: The List

Girl Talk: The List

By Shanti Ray

Let me give you a little background about my dating life so you can see where I’m going with this.

After dealing with cheaters and liars and experiencing a really bad break up several years ago, I became very nonchalant and developed an, ‘I don’t care,’ attitude when it came to dating.


There was a period that I withdrew from the dating scene altogether. I didn’t want to take my bitterness into anything new, so I just focused on me. When I did return to dating I kept meeting men that were not on the same journey in life, or they didn’t want the same things that I did, and I refused to settle for less.

 I found myself approaching every meet-and-greet and/or date with “The List.”

The List was sketched in my mind, and even as I’m chatted with a guy I would literally scratch things off The List. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t control it. Then one day I finally woke up and said, “To Hell” with that list!


Now, my girlfriends and I get together for a little “Girl Talk” often, and during one of our recent conversations, we discussed dating. Normally, I’m the quiet one out the bunch because I’m shy and some topics are a little too uncomfortable.

But on this particular day I was the center of attention and this conversation was exactly what I needed to shed some light on my dating dilemma.

One of my friends tasked us to be real with ourselves and to write down what our ideal guy looked like. On the flip side, we were tasked to write what we would bring to the table. Comparing the two was an eye-opener and that forced me to be transparent.

That list sketched in my head for so many years was doing an injustice for me. It served no positive purpose in my life. No wonder my dating dilemma was crazy.

That conversation felt like a piercing sharp pain because I realized that I was not being real with myself when I stepped back on the dating scene.  In fact, I found myself settling way too much. It was getting ridiculous!

Now I have a “New List” and since its existence, dating has been a much better experience for me:

  • Be real with yourself; ask yourself who “YOU” are and be honest.
  • Define what love means to you, and seek it based on your definition.
  • Set your standards upfront.
  • You can’t expect “The One” to be anything more than what you put out. (You are what you attract!)

In other words, I’m just keeping it real. Keeping it real with myself and with what I’m looking for in a mate.


Shanti Ray

Shanti Ray




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