by Gina B.
Has this ever happened to you? You're in a new relationship -- or at least sniffing around at the possibility of one. You’re attracted to each other and you enjoy spending time together. You see potential. You’ve been holding off, but it's finally the right time to give up the goods.
You set the stage for a seductive evening. Everything's going along as planned, and you're having fun.
Well, at least you're TRYING to have fun.
Okay, so you're not having any fun.
In fact, this could be in the top five list of the worst sex you've ever had in your life.
Perhaps you're thinking: "I don't get it. We're attracted to each other! This makes no sense."
You're absolutely right . . . it makes no sense. There's no way to predict sexual chemistry. A socially energetic and gregarious person could turn into a boring lump in bed. Likewise, a seemingly quiet and demure person might break out the toys and livestock. You never know.
This is quite a conundrum. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it's also hard to find a person that you genuinely care for. So . . . if your partner has been diagnosed as bad in bed, do you bail? Or do you try and work through it?
People who you deem bad in bed are not created equal. There are a few general headlines:
- Insensitive. He is out for self-gratification without concern for your good time. Afterward you feel used, and wonder if the same pleasure could have been derived from a random stranger -- or blowup doll. The bad news is that your lover's insensitivity won't be confined to the bedroom. The good news is that you're aware that you're with a selfish person and can stop wasting your time.
- Boring. You're expected to do all of the work. At some point, you might break out the home defibrillator after suspecting that his heart has stopped. With patience, this lover could warm up. The bad news is that you might have to become a teacher. The good news is that once you're done, you'll have a custom-made lover. If you can hold out for that long.
- Kinky. There's no telling what will emerge from the nightstand or closet of a kinky lover. This lover is only considered to be bad in bed if you're averse to hardware in the bedroom or trysts in fast food restaurant bathrooms. The bad news is that this person will stretch your limits. Come to think of it, that's also the good news.
- Lacking in equipment . . . or poorly functioning equipment. There's nothing to be done about this, unfortunately. The birthday suit can be flattering or unkind, and there is no surgery that can assist when dealing with a sub-par pee-pee -- whether it's small or won't rise to the occasion. The bad news is that you might always be left wanting more. The good news is that he could make up for it in other ways, and physical limitations can be overlooked for a great relationship. Maybe.
- Egotistical. This lover's self-inflated sense of bedroom prowess is laughable. You've been hearing him brag about capabilities, and the performance didn't measure up (see #4). You stifle a laugh when he asks "who's your daddy?" or refers to his "anaconda." The bad news is that it's hard to deflate the ego. The good news is that your friends will be entertained by your stories.
- Just plain bad. He's uncoordinated, rhythmically challenged, lacks intimacy intuition, and, for Chrissakes, has this man ever heard of Carmex??? Unfortunately, there's really no good news in this scenario.
I suggest taking the following steps before severing ties:
- Try it again and again . . . and again. Your interactions could get better as you get used to each other.
- Communicate. If you don't vocalize your desires, you're setting yourself up for more bad sex. And who wants that??
- Be innovative. Think of new ways to create spark.
If none of those suggestions are effective, you have to decide whether you like the person enough to make it work -- despite any shortcomings.
If breakup is inevitable, try not to spread the word that your ex is bad in bed. Chemistry is tricky. Believe it or not, what you consider to be bad sex could be exceptional sex to another.