By Zondra Hughes
I raced to the post office over the weekend to retrieve my package, the OhMiBod Club Vibe (aka my new B.O.B, battery operated boyfriend), not knowing that hours later it would betray me.
To be clear, my toys are not the kind that you buy for kids at Christmas, so I am prone to do my shopping online, especially when one of the guys from the store e-mails to tell me of a new B.O.B. that has my name written all over it.
Without going into too much detail, my toys are of the level-one variety, the egg-shaped, external gadgets that typically hum or buzz. I’m not into the xxx, adult playground rubberized body parts if you catch my drift--and I’m sure you do.
Well, a new B.O.B. arrived at my online toy store, and it has three levels of power, it buzzes to the sound of your voice or music, and comes with a sexy pair of black undies, just in case you're unsure of what to do with the toy.
So, in theory, you place your B.O.B. on your g-spot, call your lover--or listen to your favorite music--and the sound will activate the unpredictable buzzes and hums until your back arches and your toes curl with delight.
I could not wait to take this new B.O.B. for a test drive!
Dream House: A Feel Good Movie!
Thus, I took B.O.B. out to the theater to catch a new movie with me and a male friend.
I was so curious—would the chatter of other movie goers activate the orgasmic power of B.O.B.? Would the popcorn popper set off explosions that I could enjoy as well?
Would it take one voice to do the trick, or two? Should I shed my introvert Cancer persona and play like a Leo instead, and strike up conversation with strangers in the lobby just to get my buzz-on down under?
We saw Dream House, the horror movie starring Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz.
Well, sometimes there can be too much of a good thing, and this voice activated B.O.B. betrayed me.
First the good news, that voice activated orgasmic sensor is the real deal; a whisper sends a zap, an inside-voice sends a jolt of pleasure.
Now, here’s the not-so-good news, there are lots of unpredictable jolts in a scary movie.(DUH!)
And I was jumping and hollering so loudly that those around me, my colleague included, began to stare.
Sort of like a banjo player dueling onstage with Prince, my moves were slower and out of sync with the crowd of moviegoers, and that caused quite a commotion. I wiggled, howled, heaved, grabbed my knees, double-over in pleasure, and I did these things at all the wrong times. At one point, I do believe Daniel Craig broke character just to roll his eyes at me in disgust.
The pleasurable jolts were fast and furious and I was trapped--I could not just retrieve B.O.B. right then and there, too many eyeballs, muted cell phones (that could still record videos, mind you), and well, that’s just not lady like.
So there I was, like an orgasmic tickle me Elmo doll, bouncing about for an hour-and-a-half.
I have a growing list of things that B.O.B. cannot do, (he can’t travel as the TSA agents are likely to yank him out of the suitcase; he can’t swim, he can’t do chores or say sweet nothings); and now I’ve discovered that B.O.B. cannot enjoy a horror movie with me either.
Loving B.O.B. does have its limitations, but with all the madness that goes on in relationships these days, this chick and her toy shall not part.
Disclaimer: This blogger has not been enriched by any product mentioned here; I purchased my own OhMiBod, and my friend treated me to the movies. It's just a blog, folks! =0D