The Bad Break Up Toolkit

Once upon a time I had a track record where I was proud to say “I have never been dumped”.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I could easily move on to the next relationship because I had been the one who decided I didn't want the relationship, so I was able to walk away free and clear.  No devastation.  No crying.  Just “eh, that was fun.  Now what?”

And then it happened.

I met someone I truly loved.  I tried really hard to make things work.  Tried to force a square into a circle.  And then that dreadful day came.  The conversation where we concluded “this just isn’t going to work.”  I hadn't actually been dumped, I’d been apart of the decision making.  In fact, it was my decision initially.  (Still trying to hang on to that track record, huh, Crystal?)  Except there were things in that conversation that revealed I had been “let go” well before all the ish hit the fan.  I was in an imaginary relationship the whole time and this guy was living the single life having a grand ol’ time.  I had been “Humpty Dumptied”!   Ahahhhhaaaahahhaaaaa! It’s actually funny now that I think about it, because everything just seemed to come full circle like the big revelation on the “Six Sense” when Bruce Willis realized he had been dead the whole time.  I started summing up all the facts and scenarios and they equaled “Oh.”  Cause that was all I could say.  Here I am hanging on for dear life to a relationship, sacrificing, and working, committed, devoted, and planning for a future.  And then when I stepped back and looked at his behavior (not what he said) it became clear this mickey fickey had been single the whole time he was with me!  All the signs where there!  For real!  He was like that little boy on the sixth sense.  Balled up in the corner while I was walking around trying to psychoanalyze him and our relationship. He was looking me dead in the face whispering “I see single people”.  And I was one of em!

I thank God for the ability to laugh at this ridiculousness because it means I’ve opened myself to healing.  But it wasn’t always like this.  I was snotting, crying at work, calling my girls over to console me, listening to sad songs, texting him because I missed him and hoped he missed me too, arguing with him, trying to talk him into treating me right (aka “begging”) pleading, sacrificing more, and giving more, drive bys and spying out Instagram or Facebook.   I like to call these types of patterns “making deals with the devil”. And you know what, the rejection after stooping to this level is was worse than the break up!  I was demonstrating behavior that was in complete contradiction to who I am, what I stand for, how I was raised, and what I'm worth.  This is desperation.  He was done, and even if he is only “done” for now, he simply was not putting in the same effort I was to get me back and it was time I straightened my invisible crown and hold my head up instead of holding up my healing.

Fast forward, he came back.  Yes, he came back!  And you know what?  We broke up again!  And you know what else?  He came back again!  And you know what else happened? We broke up!  Wash, rinse and repeat about 30 more cycles of this nonsense.  And with that said I introduce to you, the subject matter.  After so long you begin to lose the taste for a person.  Things they do turn disgusting and while you don’t wish your ex any bad, you certainly aren't wishing he’d call anymore.

I am going to give you my break up tool kit, something I didn't begin to develop until somewhere around break up #27.  If you’ve recently suffered a break up, you've erased his phone number from your phone but you really want to put it back, assign a ringtone, a picture and hope he calls, this is for you.  Let me save you from the “cycle”, maintaining your dignity will have a huge pay off.  Even if you feel good about the break up in the beginning like “Yes! I’m free! I can date other people!”, “ I can save money on dates!” If this was someone you genuinely cared about.  Loved.  The pain is coming.  And it will knock the wind out of you when you wrap your mind around the fact that you will never wrap your arms around this person ever again.  So you gotta be ready.  The key is not to try to forget about him, but instead, remember you.  Here is what you need.

1.  A Kickass Playlist

You’re going to go through a range of emotions, and one thing that is powerful about music is its ability to meet you right where you are.  When you feel low, there are songs that will have you ready to jump.  The key here is to find inspiration when you feel yourself sinking to a lonely place.  This is when you call on the “singles”.  The “singles” are the names you hear that are intrinsically attributed to one person and one person only.  When someone says “Beyonce”, everyone is thinking Beyonce Knowles, not 3yr old Beyonce Johnson from 63rd street.  When I say “Janet” I’m talking Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.  Through on some music and fab yourself out!  (I would like to point out that "Jesus" works here too.  Christian/Gospel music works just as well.  Sometimes even better...)  But a word to the wise, NO DRAKE!  He is like the dude version of Sade!

2.  A new look.

Is there a new hair color you’ve wanted to try, but you’ve been too scared?  Thinking about cutting bangs?  Do you love that everyone is wearing lipstick in vivid colors but you just don’t know if it’ll work on you? Go for it!  The key here is to create a change that brings about an instant gratification.  Sure you can have goals like losing weight, or going natural, or perfecting problem skin, but those things take time.  You need to feel different/better now!  You will be amazed at how this works.  Switch it up!

3.  Weekend plans. 

Book yourself.  Find something to do.  Are you usually the flake when everyone wants to go out?  Or do you usually spend time with him on the weekend?  Accept that random Facebook party  invite from an elementary school buddy.  You’ll never know who you may meet.  Make a new friendship.  Not necessarily someone you hope to date.  Which brings me to my next tool…

4.  Don’t try to date.

Not yet, because you’ll end up doing something skanky.  Concentrate on forgiveness instead of revenge.

5.  An exercise video or gym membership. 

Not only for weight loss, but sweating it out is a great way to release pinned up emotions.

6.  A dematerializing machine.

Like on Star Trek!  You could just turn into a whole bunch of little vapors and disappear.  'Cause if you could just dematerialize you never have to watch them act cold, distant, rude, or mean.  And you never have to watch them walk away. You don't have to see them date other people.  And you dont have to answer to other people who ask about your relationship.  But since this dematerialzing machine don't exist yet (a nerd can dream), here is the real life version.  Uninstall Instagram and Twitter apps ENTIRELY.  Just fall off the radar for a while.  When you go missing from social media its almost the equivalent of vaporizing nowadays.  It will #1 stop you from cyber stalking, and #2 prevent you from posting heartbreaking quotes.  Trust me, all your followers are sitting back saying “umph, she musta got dumped." when you do that.

7.  Sex and the City DVD’s.

If you have never been a Carrie Bradshaw fan, you will have a new found appreciation once you’ve been dumped.  Watch the entire series from the beginning.  I promise you’ll be a fan.

8.  A good book.

No self help books. Not now.  Just a good piece of fiction or an autobiography.  Something that will teleport you into someone else’s life so you can stop over analyzing your own.

9.  Cook something.

Even if you are not the best in the kitchen, cooking requires a level of multitasking that prevents you from thinking of other things.  There are fires going.  Multiple ingredients to manage.  Knives.  You’ve gotta concentrate!  You have no choice!  And it’s a great distraction.

10.  A friend.

And when you’ve run through all of them and they just don’t want to hear it anymore.  Try blogging.  :)

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