We all know that bad dates make the best stories and since I didn’t post last week I figured I’d share one of my own dating calamities.
I’ve always had my reservations about dating online. Nothing against those who’ve done it, but it just wasn’t for me. My friends attributed my singledom to the fact that my daily routine is not diversified enough for me to meet anyone new. Which is true. But I was just not open enough to have someone scroll through Match.com and see my big cheesy mug talking about how I love macaroni and cheese and long walks. So I cheated. I accepted a date invitation from someone on Myspace (which is still totally online dating despite what some may believe.) The guy was a DJ and playing at a local bar. So I told him that I’d come by after my best friend Tonya and I left another event downtown.
I wore an all white halter dress and I swear as I was getting dressed I saw Beyonce over my shoulder as she nodded and whispered “fierce”. I was ca-ute! Our first event of the night turned out to be a real bore, so Tonya and I decided to leave earlier. I texted the guy (who’s name I don’t even remember) and asked for the address. “The Odyssey. 55th street just west of King Drive.” So now Tonya and I are headed south, into the …uh…not so elegant parts of town, in outfits intended to be worn downtown. You’ve been there before, grossly over dressed for the venue? Yeah, that was us.
Anyway, we walk into the hole in the wall bar and the music stopped. Everyone turned around, women sized us up, and shoot us “that” look. Tonya even got a marriage proposal from an old man with a tooth missing. Did I say the music stopped? Because it did. And I don’t mean figuratively, the music actually stopped. Why? Because the DJ, my date, abandoned the booth to make sure he came to get me from the door so everyone could know I was his. He literally STOPPED the music! (Still makes me laugh to this day.) I mean it looks cool when it plays out in your head. There you are looking like a million bucks. The music stops. Heads turn. A cool breeze blows your hair ever so slightly. And everyone is looking at you through an Instagram filter...
But when it happens in real life its just embarrassing!
Tonya runs into someone she knows and engages in conversation as my “date” leads me up to the DJ both. Its weird, because everyone is looking at me like “that’s that girl who stopped the music.” And the guy wants to bring me into his dj-ing world. So I’m doing my cute girl dances, not really paying attention, keeping my eye on Tonya since I’m sitting on high in this DJ booth and suddenly my date says
“That line was for you.”
“Huh? What?” I say.
“The line he just said, that was for you.”
“Oh I didn’t hear it,” I said. And went back to grooving.
Now, pause. For a moment I guess I thought I was listening to the radio. Or maybe I didn’t think he had the audacity to do what he was about to do. But this is the same guy who didn’t have enough consideration or DJ skills to leave a song playing when he came to retrieve me. I don’t know why I was surprised. So anyway, he stops the track and starts it over. Everyone looks up like “thee hell?” I start spazing.
“Oh my God, why did you do that?”
“Wait! Don’t talk you’re gonna miss it again. Awww see, you missed it.” HE STARTS THE TRACK AGAIN!
The people “below” get belligerent. But they are looking at the girl who thinks she’s cute instead of the kook DJ who keeps effing up the music.
“I’m gonna go.” I say. (Never even heard that song dedication he so desperately wanted me to hear.) So I descended the booth in my angelic white, and he walked me to my car.
I felt bad leaving so abruptly because the guy was really just trying to be romantic. He’d traded off his DJ responsibilities to someone else which gave us a few minutes to chat outside. We get acquainted. And I say “Tell me something about you I wouldn’t know unless I asked.”
He says “I’m blind in one eye.”
For the first time all night, I actually look this guy in the eye.
He says “can you tell which one?”
And I actually hear jeopardy music, trying to decide if I should pretend to not be able to tell or get it right, cause I could totally tell. Well, you know Miss Know It All chose to get it right.
“The left one.”
“Really? No one ever guesses it right!”
So he starts telling me how he got into a car accident and this is how he lost sight, something about nerve damage. He says periodically sight will come back to the eye but it’s skewed. I was fascinated. “He says I can see out of it now.”
I said, “so if I cover your right eye can you see me?” And I cupped my hand over his eye.
He says “yes, but you look like a Picasso. Like your nose is over there.” And he points, but literally pokes me in my eye. It was excruciating. Tonya, who was standing nearby talking to her friend, comes to my aid when she sees me keeled over and holding my eye. The guy explains what happened. And I try to play off the pain so he won’t feel bad, but we leave.
One thing you should know about my friend Tonya for future stories, she is all things medically related. She will send you to the hospital for a sniffle. She’s in the car like “you need to go to the emergency room. Your eye is red! Who knows what was in his nails! He could have scratched your cornea!” After she created every worst case scenario she could think of, Tonya and I end up in the Northwestern Emergency Room. In our club clothes.
But Tonya had a good time.
Share your dating calamities, I'd love to hear them!
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