There comes a time in every grown man's life when he needs to decide whether to focus on his real job that pays real money or to continue blogging about heavily-produced, competitive quests for Foreverlove. Well, ok, maybe not every grown man...
But it happened to me. And I apparently chose the worst season possible to pick my real job. All my disappointed fans (aka the secretaries in my work kitchen) can't stop telling me about how insane this season was. There were two Bachelorettes! Nick the Dick came back! A couple of guys were maybe or maybe not gay for each other! They spent a weirdly long amount of time playing golf and such in not-stereotypically-romantic-Ireland!
And Kaitlyn coitused everybody! Like, openly. Like historically random, landmark coitus. Who could've guessed that the girl who arrived into our Monday nights from a limo with a "you can plow the **** out of my fields any time" joke for Farmer Chris would participate in unsanctioned coitus? That's right, everybody. Everybody could've guessed that.
So, hey, I may not have watched the entire season, but I might as well jump in on this finale and After The Final Rose wrap-up. I mean, isn't jumping to rapid, unfairly judgmental conclusions about people I've never met without adequate evidence what blogging about this show is all about?
Nick the Dick versus Shawn the Ryan Gosling Wannabe
"There's no love lost between Shawn and Nick." Phew. Ok, good. For a moment I thought we had one of those competition where there was love lost. It's such a nuisance when love is lost. I always find mine next to the apartment keys.
We have a showdown between some guy named Shawn, a dull personal trainer from Connecticut who has done everything in his cosmetic power to resemble Ryan Gosling, and Nick, a dick that already lost on Andi's season then proceeded to act like a dick to Andi because she didn't love him for his coloring book. It's the choice every little princess dreams to have one day.
Don't worry Chris Harrison promises the ending will be "shocking." We'll be the judge of that, Chris Hyperbole Harrison. Chris Harrison can be shocked over a dog sniffing another dog.
Meet the Bristowes
It's about time! We're headed to... Utah? Who lives in Utah? Was this Canadian thing by Kaitlyn just a farce? Will she get burned at a stake for having premarital coitus in Utah? One minute in, and sooo many questions.
Nick communicates clear feelings on all the remaining parties: "I absolutely see Kaitlyn as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with." "Shawn doesn't like me... at all." Troy and Sparta waged war over some chick. Battling for the same girl on national TV, of course these two are going to hate each other. The Trojans didn't even have to worry about being tweeted about negatively.
Wait, now we're in California. Well that's a fresh of breath air. So long Mormons, hello hippie beaches where Kaitlyn can feel more comfortable admitting she's falling for two guys.
Struggling to choose, Kaitlyn will leave the decision to the rest of the Bristowes: Momma Leslie, Poppa Mike, Stepmom Cathy, Stepdad Rob and her sister, Haley, who must secretly hate how Kaitlyn got all the skinny dancer genes.
Momma Leslie, after watching Andi's season, is "totally shocked" that Nick is still here. More shocked than Chris Harrison, even. Kaitlyn tries to convince her mom that Nick should be there because she was so surprised at how physically attracted they were to each other, enough to jump into a hotel bed. This seems like a conversation I wouldn't want to have with my mom.
Nick arrives first with a beard that he's been growing out to look more like Shawn. Right from the word go, Momma Leslie goes for the throat, "Why are you here, Nick?!" Nick admits he and Kaitlyn met off the show, had a connection, and he had to pursue by coming on the show. Dating the Bachelorette before coming on The Bachelorette seems like answering the random surveys before coming on Family Feud, but hey, I don't make the rules.
Momma Leslie is up front with Nick, telling him she thought he was possessive, jealous, and "I don't want to say arrogant" which translates to "arrogant." Nick convinces Momma Leslie that he's in love with Kaitlyn, to which Momma Leslie starts choking herself.
Then Nick starts pulling out his secret weapon, the waterworks. Kaitlyn's mom finally gives in, "He's a teddy bear!" She feels wrong for judging him so quickly (don't steal my snarky thunder yet Momma Les!) and reluctantly gives her blessing. Kaitlyn's dad either doesn't really matter or doesn't really care, but he puts up no fight at all.
Nick passed the test then eats Kaitlyn's face before kissing her goodbye with his creepy eyes open.
Now, Shawn is on the way and Momma Leslie is concerned he's a jealous person, so she clearly didn't learn her self-proclaimed lesson about not judging too soon.
Shawn told a story about how he snap chatted a picture of Kaitlyn to his friends after she was eliminated with the caption "Don't worry, I'm coming for ya." Just a classic reality-TV damsel in minor distress story to tell the grandkids.
Momma Leslie interrogated Shawn about his jealousy and how there's no "love lost" between he and Nick. Shawn admits to the mom he was jealous when he found out about Nick and Kaitlyn's hotel room romp, which again, isn't something I could ever see my mom discussing. He claims to understand. While Shawn's lack of eye contact screams he wants to pummel Nick's face still, he talks about it with maturity and understanding that making it through a non-exclusive phase means he can trust the next phase.
Now Shawn's talks to the dad for ten seconds again before grabbing Momma Leslie to ask for their blessing. Ok, verdict is in, Poppa Mike isn't important.
Kaitlyn waits on a boat for Nick wearing fratastic chubby shorts and water socks, which are perfect for protecting you from both jelly fish stings and STDs, because nobody wearing water socks ever has sex.
Nick acts smug like Nick does bragging how much Kaitlyn's mom liked him. They cuddle on the boat and sip wine while Nick tells her how much he looks forward to when they are just in pajamas watching TV on the couch, which is much easier to say now than when you're actually on the couch and would definitely prefer to be on a boat sipping wine.
At night, Nick proposes a toast, "Thank you for keeping me around, and sticking up for me, and following your heart, and thank you for letting me follow mine. Cheers." Kaitlyn loves the sweet toast.
Nick might actually pull this off, after all. Kaitlyn reminisces about the chance meeting in New York as she caresses his arm. After their off-camera connection, she thought that ship had sailed and is grateful Nick took the chance. Wow, he really might pull this off! "I think about everything Nick and I have, and what we feel when we're together, and it's incredible." They kiss in the romantic firelight.
Right on cue, Nick ruins it. "I got you something, it's in my bedroom." "What?" Kaitlyn asks. "I got you something. It's in my bedroom." Nick reiterates. My guess is the present is Nick's penis.
Nope, not his penis. It was a picture of the two of them with a poem on the frame. The picture moves Kaitlyn to tears. She's very moved, "Right now, in this moment, I feel hopeful, and excited and I really believe this is the guy for me... When I look at Nick, I know that I'm in love." Strong words for one the final date. This one may be in the bag, folks.
Shawn valiantly arrives to give it one last hurrah. Kaitlyn was up at two in the morning, her heart pounding with anxiety, which means there's at least a 5% chance it was because Nick tried to wake her up for one last round of off-camera coitus.
Shawn sits down with Kaitlyn and they start talking about all the fun they're going to be having today. Looking forward to fun today - lots of smiling lots of laughs. Fun is something they just can't wait to have. Today. Just around the corner, can you imagine all the fun?! They smile because they say the word "fun."
Then Kaitlyn asks Shawn if he's wearing sunscreen. Shawn asks, "What else is going on in the world of Kaitlyn Bristowe?" because you repeat somebody's last name when you're in love with them. Kaitlyn Bristowe responds, "I don't know. This is just weird."
They're both clearly in their own heads. Both are tragically aware that there's another guy. Shawn confides, "I mean there's somebody else still left here, you know, and you had all day with him yesterday. So when it feels different... it gets me wondering, 'What happened yesterday? What is she thinking? What does she want? This is tomorrow."
Save those concerns for the real world, Shawn. The Bachelorette is no place for that. This is where girls aren't allowed to make decisions. Learn to cope.
There ya go, buddy.
Hopefully, Shawn can get the night started by topping Nick's toast. "So I know today was a little awkward. I was hoping it was the result of maybe nerves, and kind of everything that's coming to an end here tomorrow and crazy emotions, but um, I just want to have a good night tonight, and, ummm, yeah." That's what a missed opportunity looks like, kids.
Shawn turns it around quickly, though. Kaitlyn is worried they could get bored with each other, since she got bored with her last boyfriend. Shawn just wants to be better everyday so he can't be boring. Shawn's very confident about how great they could be together, but he's also confident that he can go on without her. Kaitlyn eats it up.
Final Rose Ceremony
Neil Lane comes to the door so Shawn can pick out a ring. Shawn's pumped. "I'm very confident that after tonight, we aren't even going to remember who Nick is."
Then Neil goes to Nick's place, where Nick doesn't have such positive vibes. "I've done this before. With Andi's season, I thought I was going to meet you and it was her, and unfortunately..."
Another lesson, kids; have you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecies? Don't start your day thinking you're going to get dumped. Start you're day like Shawn, wanting to exterminate the memory of every other guy ever.
Oh wait, now Shawn is crying in the cab thinking about how Kaitlyn might actually love someone else. "I'm trying not to think about it." Good news is Nick is crying too. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy-off. Forget all the lessons kids. Love will destroy you.
We're back at the alter and now Kaitlyn is crying. Nobody can control their emotions. This is getting reminiscent of Inside Out.
Nick arrives at the alter. The rose lays on the table and he is nervous. Nick rambles on about how in love he is, then reaches for the ring, "Kaitlyn..." when she stops his hands.
Kaitlyn can't come up with anything to say except that her heart is with somebody else. Nick seems crushed but Kaitlyn continues, "I mean do you think that I didn't fall in love with you?" Nick counters, "Look, if you were in love with me, we'd be having a different conversation."
"Everything that has happened between us, including when we had off-camera time and were intimate, everything was real to me in those moments," Kaitlyn rationalizes. "What I felt for you was greater than a moment," Nick lays the trump card.
Dang. You have to feel for Nick right now. He took Kaitlyn's physical love and confessions of love seriously enough to be a guarantee. But the Bachelorette doesn't think like that. They're indecisive. Or they don't really care, remembering that only like 3% of these couples ever got married. Either way, don't take it personally, Nick.
On the other hand, his is where not watching the whole season hurts me. Because I know Nick is a dick. I remember that vividly from Andi's season. He's one of those guys that argues in that way I hate, where he doesn't actually confront any issues but instead muddies the waters with questions and reverse unfounded harsh accusations on the original accuser.
Like, right now, Nick would accuse me of being racist against the elderly.
I need to see that loathing side of Nick again, so I stop feeling bad for him. "To hear her tell me she loves me, it's such a ****ing joke." Ahhh, that's better.
Back with the Studio Audience
Stunned silence in the studio. Chris Harrison narrates, "Stunned silence in the studio." Thanks, Chris! Glad you're here. You just know after the producers cut from this dramatic moment, there's ushers next to everybody saying, "If you say a ****ing word, I'll ****ing destroy you!" Next season, I'll pay somebody a lot of money to wait for that silent moment and scream "DEEEEEEEEEZZZ NUTZZZZZ!!!!" Just let me know.
Shawn's Turn at the Alter
Shawn arrives. And it's either him or Kaitlyn dies sad and alone, or at least until Bachelor in Paradise.
It's him. Shawn proposes, "One of the first things I told you was that I truly believe everything happens for a reason... and that reason is I'm not supposed to live without you, and I'm not going to."
So congratulations Shawn and Kaitlyn! The personal trainer and dancer live happily ever after! Or at least until both of their aging bodies make them obsolete in their profession, unemployable in others and they end up like the couple in Blue Valentine.
At least that'll bring Shawn's Ryan Gosling lookalike desires full circle.
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