We've finally made it to the fantasy suite! If, like most of us, Fifty Shades of Grey left your craving for sexiness unsatisfied, then the Fantasy Suite is here to fill that void.
Fantasy Suite week is when Chris and the girls can finally consummate their televised pseudo-love in an act of producer-sanctioned, secret, competitive coitus. And this comes a short seven days after Chris left a va-va-voom playboy model at home and kept a virgin who has as much sexual chemistry as goat's milk. Look, we all can't read the tea leaves correctly.
The Moliet Resort Fantasy Suite is on the island of Bali, because what says physical intimacy more than this guy?
First One-on-One: #TeamKaitlyn
I'm bias toward Kaitlyn. I can't approach her dates rationally. I know this because whenever Chris gives one of his Mad Libs, compliment-by-numbers compliment, like, "Today, I have a date with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is the type of person that I can see in my life. Our relationship has been progressively getting better since our first one-on-one," I get so mad, my ears literally steam like a train whistle.
Kaitlyn won over hearts the moment she introduced herself to Chris with a sexual farmer joke. She's fun, confident, handles conflict with class, and has one of those tight, sexy, former-dancer figures. And freaking Farmer Chris talks about her with all the range and enthusiasm eight-year-old me used talking about my Slinky at Show-and-Tell.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is starting to get hooked. "You go, like, a few days without seeing somebody and I think it's a good sign when they're all you can think about, and the last few days, I never stopped thinking about Chris." Chris wants to go beyond chemistry and see if he and Kaitlyn can have a serious conversation about their future. And Kaitlyn is considering telling Chris she loves him. So far, everything is copacetic.
The two put on shawls, or maybe cloaks, or something I don't know the technical term for but looks like a giant handkerchief around their wastes and enter a temple where kissing is forbidden. This is a sly move by Farmer Chris. With the Fantasy Suite overnight invitation imminent, he arranges a scenario where she can't touch him at all. It's a fool proof plan, guaranteed. Tease your dog with a treat in front of his face and watch him go nuts. Leave a pizza warming nearby when you're trying to cut carbs and see if you peel off a loose pepperoni. If forbidden temptation is constantly nearby, you'll just want it more. It's worked since the apple broke Eve.
Chris asks "When's the last time you've been in a temple?" Really, what did he expect her answer to be, "Oh, I go every Sunday with the neighbor kids."? The two carry around baskets on their heads and start inhaling native flowers that either give them peace of mind or makes them trip balls, with no in between.
Chris says he feels better than he has at any point since the show started. That couldn't be because Kaitlyn's awesome, could it Chris? During the euphoria, they high-five bikers, drink beers, and hug a huge shirtless guy whose jokes transcend the language barrier.
The couple walks along compliment each other's Bali people skills before a couple super cute, Aladdin-esque, wild monkeys walk toward their path. Chris reaches out to pet one. It hisses at him angrily and suddenly I remember these cute little monkeys will rip your face off if you don't show proper respect. And by proper respect, I mean if that monkey wants the banana out of your hand, you give it to him without fight. Resist even the slightest, and the monkey will pee on your shirt just to prove he's still the boss. Monkeys are such bullies. Chris, and his poor urine-soaked shirt, learned this the hard, smelly, damp way.
Soft, Eastern flute music soothes our souls returning from the commercial break. And maybe Kaitlyn heard it too because she enters a new state of catharsis. Kaitlyn talks about how the monkeys made her nervous (well that's normal, monkeys are terrifying), how Chris makes her comfortable, and how her family all loved Chris and could see that Kaitlyn did, too. Kaitlyn opens up, "In order to fall in love, I have to take those deep feelings and talk about them with Chris."
At night, the two sit outside the resort and kiss until Chris stops because she's shaking. I thought it was maybe because she had exhausted all her stability from holding the basket on her head, but no, she's apparently nervous about having a guard up. She talks out with Chris about her past relationship, her feelings toward Chris and her fear of screwing it up. Kaitlyn shed some emotional layers today, telling Chris, "I'm almost at my best self when I'm vulnerable because I can open up as to how I'm feeling, and talk about it and just accept it."
Kaitlyn is normally hot in that "cool chick that can rock rolled up sweatpants, outdrink your friends and shout inappropriate jokes" kind of way. Tonight, I'm not sure if Kaitlyn is still glowing from too much sun or tears have been welling in her eyes, but she looks enchantingly pretty.
Ok, fine! I'll stop swooning over Kaitlyn now. Geez, can't a blogger dream? Maybe, just maybe, some lonely night, Kaitlyn might just be impulsively perusing sparsely populated Facebook blog pages and coincidentally come across a writer who so eloquently cut to the core of her heart, soul and sinew with just the right words written in just the right way? Is that too much to ask?! Yea, probably. Look, really though, if anybody by chance knows how to reach Kaitlyn What's-Her-Face from Vancouver, please tell her I said "sup?"
Chris gives Kaitlyn the Fantasy Suite envelope, which should consult the Oscars on how to build drama with the envelope opening. I swear the Fantasy Suite invitation hasn't changed other than the names for the show's entire existence. How exciting would it be if one out of every three Fantasy Suite envelopes just shot out silly string and played a taunting song? More exciting than the standard rose ceremony, I'll tell you that.
Kaitlyn reads the invitation and responds, "I can't..." before pausing for a fraction of a second, but felt like long enough to start a rolling drumroll, "imagine saying no to that. I would love to." Chris lowers his voice to sexy late-night operator whisper, "I would agree. I think we deserve this." As long as Chris showered off the monkey urine, I guess he deserves this.
An increasingly innocent Kaitlyn exclaims, "Look, I'm not shaking anymore!" Kaitlyn is feeling good about things, but still feels pressure to tell Chris how she feels about him. So after a long preamble, Kaitlyn finally says, "I'm completely falling in love with you," before a long post-amble.
The two look around the Fantasy Suite, decorated with candles, what looks like the bed from the Badlands, and a tub full of rose pedals that probably actually inhibits your ability to bathe. Chris sees each decoration and shouts "Man!" or "Are you kidding me?" To the untrained eye, Chris seems to be complimenting the furnishings. Personally, I just think he's getting mad that every time he tries a room in what's supposed to be his private night and the cameras are still behind them. Chris closes the curtains, and you can only guess what happened next.
Don't worry, I'll be guessing at the end.
Second One-on-One: Sperm Tester Whitney
Whitney and Chris have had a spicy last couple weeks. First, some talented Des Moines street artist painted a giant wall-sized mural of their kiss, causing Whitney to confess to camera she "fell in love in an instant." Then, Chris asked Whitney's sister for her blessing to propose. Her blessing was denied, but no big deal, because Whitney tearfully popped open a fancy wine anyway, for it was a bottle she promised she would drink with "the man I'm going to marry."
So naturally, these lovebirds start the date out the gates hot! Whitney runs down the dock and jumps into Chris' arms wrapping her legs around him. While you'll have to wait until the end to read my guess on whether Kaitlyn and Chris consummated their act of producer sanctioned, secret, competitive coitus, take this as an early indicator on my Whitney and Chris guess...
The PTA will be outraged if anybody makes that a mural.
Chris set up a boat picnic, which seems like it's cheating calling a meal at a place without any honey bees a "picnic." The only nuisance for their picnic is a captain who accidentally runs their boat into the dock. He gives a thumbs up supposedly indicating they are good to sail, but I think he saw them making out, got distracted enough to wreck, and gave a thumbs up to indicate "Heyyyyy, lookingggg gooodd you two!!!" He got excited. The sea is a lonely place. Or maybe I just think everybody's making sexual innuendos during Fantasy Suite week.
They kiss on top of the boat, they kiss on the starboard side, they kiss on port side, and they cuddle on the hull.
Allow me to present Item #2 in the "Whitney and Chris consummated producer-sanctioned coitus" Evidence bin. I want you to notice the way-to-full glass of wine: definitely the pour of a couple on the verge of some bad decisions. Notice the stupid smile on Chris' face. Notice Whitney's ankles protruding from and her Daisy Duke shorts to add the slightest tease to her cuddle. And most damingly, LOOK AT WHERE WHITNEY IS RESTING HER CUP?! She's a fertility nurse. Do you think she's unfamiliar with the male anatomy? She knows what she's resting her cup on, and for whatever work is left over from her ankle cuddle tease, her cock-coaster move will take care of the rest. We underestimated you, Whitney, you little minx.
But it can't all be cock coasters and stupid Chris smiles. That excitable lonely captain would take their ship the way of the Titanic if they didn't take a break for Whitney to talk about her sister refusing Chris' request for blessing. Chris, the ever-patient farmer, understood Kimberly's denial and didn't care.
Later, the night date comes, and Chris has some insecurities of his own he wants to discuss. You may have guessed, he's worried about Whitney wanting to live in Arlington. He reiterates how there is nothing, literally nothing, for her to do in Arlington other than sew outfits out of corn husks. But Whitney assures Chris that she is ready to move to a quiet town and become a mom which makes Chris smile like she's back to using his cock as a coaster. After she tried to get a sperm sample from him in Evanston, last week, I'd say her answer has merit.
Chris gives her the Fantasy Suite envelope. Don't ask, it was exactly the same, other than the names. They close the curtains as the sun sets, and what happened next between Whitney and Chris is a mystery. Do you have any clues for us, Winky Face Whitney?
Third One-on-One: Secret Virgin Becca
Becca and Chris meet on a jungle path and tell each other how much they missed each other, but hug like they're being watched by the dance chaperone. Chris illustrates, "I missed Becca a lot. The last time I was able to spend a significant amount of time with her was at her hometown date, and she helped me envision a life with her." Chris finds another to envision a life with Becca and takes her around a local Bali farm. Clearly his passion, Chris observes the farm, teaching Becca everything he can about its irrigation system, fertilizer process, and worker habits, but Becca barely blinks an eye until he got two gigantic foreign fruits to take a bite of.
Sure, Becca should possibly have more interest in the career and passion of her potential husband, but in Becca's defense farm talk is kind of boring. Doubly in Becca's defense, that is some incredible piece of gigantic foreign fruit.
Chris and Becca put on the giant handkerchief things because they are back at the temple. Good thing monks can't talk, or they would tell Becca that he already brought Kaitlyn on a date here just the other day.
They go to the center temple area and sit with a prayer group, one of which is apparently some kind of village oracle. Becca and Chris ask if they're meant to be together, to which the Oracle calls them "a good couple" with finger quotes. I didn't know finger quotes were a globally understood sarcastic sign. Becca asks if Chris will be a good dad, and the Oracle says "both of you will be good parents." Hey "oracle" if that's really what they call him (note: it's not really what they call him), your soothsaying is a bunch've hooey. Just blatantly spoon-feeding them what they want to hear. I've been more confident in the psychic abilities of the beach guy who had to put down his metal detector to charge me for a palm reading.
Then Chris asks the oracle "What's her biggest weakness, as a person?" Hey Chris, thumbs up on the question, brodude! No way that could go south. The oracle answers that she is "hard to control," to which Becca is frankly, shocked.
Next, Becca asks the oracle if he has any advice for their really big date for tonight. You can see the little chubby oracle get infectiously jolly, and his translator reports back his only advice is to "make love." This leaves Secret Virgin Becca a bit more bashful.
"I believe that was a direct quote, 'making love.' Glad he brought that up, I was just not thinking about it." Chris, completely oblivious of Becca's virginity, listens to the oracle give more specific advice to "face west" during sex. Ok, this guy's onto something. The beach metal detector guy never gave me advice that good. Whether or not gravitational direction has an impact, I think once you convince a couple to bring a compass into the bedroom, it's a game changer.
Becca's had all day to tell him about her virginity, but she's waiting until the night date, probably to catch him envelope-in-hand, unable to take the invitation back. Again, think of the excitement a silly string rejection envelope would provide right now?
At least on this date, there's some definite uncertainty. Will Chris take a virgin to the Fantasy Suite? Will Becca even tell him she's still a virgin? Will she still be a virgin after the night?!!
To the last question, yes she'll probably keep her virginity, but that won't stop the producers from manipulating us into thinking she might. Becca reasons, "I'm waiting 'til marriage and there's a chance that's not something he wants to wait for. But, at the same time, I'm having very new feelings. Especially after having such a perfect day. I think that's very natural to want to have sex."
Before they get to the subject of sex, though, Becca rambles about her trip to Arlington. Chris, on the surprise defensive, wants to know if Becca can see herself in Arlington. Becca replies, "I feel like I would have to make sure that I was really, really sure about you and about us before I made that move." Then Becca goes on admitting she's never fallen in love before, but thinks the feelings she describes are those of love.
Chris somehow thinks they're "on the same page," even though she doesn't know what love is, he doesn't know she's a virgin and she needs to make sure that she's really, really sure about things before she can consider moving to Arlington. But Chris' ignorance is bliss, and he gives her the Fantasy Suite form-letter in a fancy envelope so he can "take it to the next level."
So Becca failed to discuss this before the card (yea, like she really wanted to), and eases into it by phrasing her answer carefully, "I would love to spend time with you alone and have more time together." The two go inside and Virgin Becca looks fearfully at the bed like it's Christian Grey's playroom.
Becca proposes a toast to "falling in love in the most unexpected way," except there's no way joining a show where the purpose is to find love is the most unexpected way. That'd be like winning American Idol for an album release, and toasting to "releasing an album in the most unexpected way." But I'll forgive Becca's goofs, she's nervous with secrets, rambling on and on with fluff. Finally, she drops the bomb, "I am a virgin."
Speaking of rambling! Here is Chris' verbatim response:
*Nod* *Eye Widen* *Panicky Deep Breath* *Eyebrow Furrow* *Nod* *Frustrated Huff*
"Whew! Right... I'm glad... That you... You know, I... Never easy to respond to... *uncomfortable laughter*
"to, uh, this stuff. Um. But I respect that, in a lot of ways. And I would be lying to you if I said that it doesn't, that it... it, uh, surprises me, and uh, I think that says a lot about who you are."
Really glad those two cleared that up. If you want a couple to have fireworks, these two barely have sparklers.
DID THEY OR DIDN'T THEY? - Producer-Sanctioned Secret, Competitive Coitus
Becca and Chris - Um, no. They probably played parcheesi.
Whitney and Chris - Hell Yes! Do I need to remind you of Whitney's cock-coaster move?
Kaitlyn and Chris - Not enough clues yet. I would think so with Kaitlyn's gradually increasing vulnerability, but I need my coitus proved beyond a reasonable doubt.
Chris Harrison plays a little armchair psychiatrist with Farmer Chris before the big time decision. Whoever advances, Chris has to introduce them to his family as one of two girls he might marry, or at least date for a few months before the Tabloids give up chase and they quietly break up. But, at the time, Farmer Chris says he can see himself spending the rest of his life with all three of these women. Maybe that's true or maybe these guys are as well-trained in interviews as Bill Belichick.
Sensei Chris Harrison reminds Farmer Chris he cannot participate in any kissing, hugging, or sensuality inside the temple because Chris Harrison loves to be a party-pooper. Sensei Chris Harrison wishes Farmer Chris good luck with his decision, and sends young grasshopper on his way.
Farmer Chris is struggling, then asks Becca to step outside with him for a moment. If he wanted to try to make a move outside of the holy temple walls, he'd have picked a different girl. No, he wants to know if Becca can commit to him. She gives a roundabout answer of more fluff, but somehow Chris is satisfied.
Kaitlyn starts telling Whitney that "My gut says he's telling her goodbye." You never want to jinx anything, but Kaitlyn continues, "It gives me a great deal of excitement to think of that next step for us. I'm going to meet his family," and you start to get the feeling she's digging her own grave.
Right on cue, Becca comes back over the bridge with Chris. Kaitlyn immediately changes attitude, "Oh, shoot!"
Awe, she said "shoot." Classy to the bitter end, Kaitlyn. Chris approaches to begin a painful goodbye, and a back-in-her-shell Kaitlyn asks bluntly "What happened?"
That look and that "what happened" weren't the innocent kind of saying farewell to a crush. They were angry and violated. Kaitlyn deserved better anyway, but first:
Did Kaitlyn and Chris engage in producer-sanctioned, secret, competitive coitus? Yep.
No Chance in Hell. Becca