Hey you weren’t the only one thrown for a loop on your Sunday night. Maybe you like to spend your Sundays going to church, maybe you like to have a nice dinner with the family, or maybe you like to watch the Blackhawks lose the Western Conference Finals in the most excruciating way imaginable.
Then boom! Chris Harrison kicks in your door with a “2 Night Bachelorette Extravaganza!” In the words of the great Rowdy Roddy Piper, “Just when you thought you knew the answers, I CHANGE THE QUESTIONS!” That one was for all my fellow Renaissance men who like both the WWE and televised quests for love. Of which I’m sure there’s plenty…
This week we are finally on the move! After the first two weeks in Los Angeles, Andi and the gang are finally going to go to exotic locales in far reaching corners of the globe that The Bachelorette has become famous for. No wait, they went, like, an hour away to Santa Barbara, which is basically LA, just more boring.
First One-on-One: Dweeby Nick
“Nick, let’s ride off into the sunset,” reads Farmer Chris. Most of the date cards normally have a little mystery too them, but this one seems a little literal.
Nick got the first impression rose on night one despite looking like his polka dotted shirt was ripe with leprosy. He takes a moment to keep it real, ““I am ecstatic for my first date with Andi. But, I still don’t know her. She still doesn’t know me. I mean, let’s be honest, what are the chances things work out here?” Well the odds won’t get any higher with that attitude mister!
The two meet at a place named “Lizard’s Mouth,” which is the second most romantic spot in Santa Barbara, behind only “Alligator’s Butthole.” Andi and Nick ride bikes into the sunset (told you the date card was too literal). Andi is happy to get away from the richly grandiose dates and do something a normal couple would do. Personally, I’d be peeved I’m missing out on my helicopter ride and snorkeling with mermaids.
They park their bikes and start climbing the mountains which gives me all kinds of horrible 127 Hours flashbacks. Luckily neither falls into a crevice or is forced to saw an arm off, but instead they enjoy some wine in fat cups. This gives Nick the courage to tell Andi he has a crush on her, which is probably the perfect thing to say at this point. It lets her know he’s interested without sounding like a crazy obsessive person that’s been in love since he first started following her on Twitter. Andi liked it very much.
She then turns on her prosecutor charm, and starts interrogating Nick as to why he’s still single. Turns out he dated a girl for seven and a half years, then broke up, met somebody else and got engaged “for like a minute.” I assume it was at least two.
Apparently the whole ordeal made him more humble, or more grounded, or something I didn’t really care at all about, but it was enough to make Andi move towards the rose, “So this rose has been sitting here. I don’t know if you’ve noticed.” And Nick brings the smoothest response in Bachelor/ette history, “No I was more looking at you.” The two make out, he gets the rose, and they go to the top of some tower to make out some more because ABC needed a send-off shot.
Group Date: “Let’s Start Things Off on the Right Note”
“YES! KARAOKE!” screams one of the guys in response to the card, which is probably the most “bro” thing you could scream at that point.
On the date are Basketball Brian, Cookie Monster Marquel, Popped Collar Cody, Pepe le Tasos, Mullet Stylist Brett, Ron the Other Black Guy, Opera Bradley, Unemployed Josh, Explorer Eric, Handsome Marcus, Patrick Bateman-looking Patrick, and some dude named Andrew.
Figuring “note” means they would do something musical, Opera Bradley proposes a toast, “To having a great time with Andi and hopefully it has something to do with singing.” Oh yea, Bradley, because that’s the one thing you have left to do to impress Andi. Oh, no, I screwed that up, it’s the only thing you’ve done.
The group arrives to Hahn Hall to meet Andi and Patrick runs up to give her a hug, “It’s nice to be the first to hug her for the day.” Meanwhile, in the “already made out” club, Chris, Josh and Nick all briefly brush their shoulders off.
Andi illuminates, “Today, we are going to separate the Boys from the Men.” Take a wild guess who is inside. But it couldn’t be… That means it would be a band we’ve actually heard of…
It is! Boyz II Men is singing on stage and everybody is super psyched! Eric touched his first butt to “I’ll Make Love to You.” They made Brian fall in love over and over again. Marcus just sort of grew up with them.
The guys are here to sing “I’ll Make Love to You,” and are so bad they probably are ruining Eric’s memories of touching his first butt. Bradley is the only one that’s any good at singing, but he still sings only in an opera voice, like he can’t sing unless he’s trying to quake the earth or explode heads. People say Tasos is good, but I think they’re fooled by his earrings. Cody sounds like Michael Douglas. Marcus is so sure that he’s bad it makes him even worse. “We’ve got maybe two that can carry a tune,” says Boyz's Shawn Stockman. “Yeah, carry it up to the water and drown it!” Wanya responds. Wanya keeps it one-hunnid.
But at least Andi is probably pretty good right? “Oh, she sucks,” says Wanya. WANYA KEEPS IT ONE-FIDDY!
The guys seem totally astounded when they find out they’ll be performing in front of a large audience even though that happens literally every time, like, I don’t know, just last week.
Cody is a little shy to sing, but whispers to Andi, “Whatever happens, this is a great day” which makes Andi smile. Ron is nervous too. Josh M admits he may look the part, but definitely can’t sing it. Marquel is a little more confident, “I’m going to serenade the **** out of her.”
Boys II Men looks like they’re having a blast like they enjoy this “we all know you, but no paparazzi or pressure” level of celebrity. Then Chris Harrison introduces, “Now from Boyz II Men to men who will probably sound like really bad boys.” I know he meant bad at singing, but he sounded more like either a principal or a dominatrix.
Half the guys are in the suit and tie and the other luckier half got to wear the cool Boyz II Men outfit with fitted hats. The singing is pretty predictable. Some guys are bad, some guys overcompensate with weird dance moves, Josh M and Marcus forget the words because they’re all looks, and Bradley sings in an opera voice because that’s what Bradley does.
Suffice to say, the crowd loved it…
On to the nighttime cocktail party. After a toast, Andi asks Cody to a one-on-one first in a shocking upset. She thinks he’s a lot of fun and has a similar sense of humor, so she wants to make him feel a little uncomfortable. She tells Cody in a very serious tone that she’s heard some buzz around the house that he has a girlfriend. The poor guy looks even more confused than usual as he strongly denies the accusation. Then Andi finally blurts out her punchline, “and that she’s a stripper!” Cody starts giggling with endearing relief and beams through his confessional, “When she pulled that little prank on me, that was cool because it just shows that she was thinking about me.” Popped Collar Cody is turning out to be a much cooler dude and much less of a doofus than I ever anticipated.
Marquel keeps his approach toward light conversation, asking, “What’s your favorite color?” Andi replies, “Is black a color?” to which Marquel smiles coolly, and coos, “Duly noted.” Marquel is proving that he's still my favorite. LOOK TO THE COOKIE!
Whether or not black is her favorite color, Josh M is clearly her favorite dude. Even though he’s unemployed and can’t remember one line of lyrics, Andi still likes him every time he says she makes him nervous. The two kiss and have a lover’s flirt over a face he makes.
Marcus puts in more work to getting his first kiss with Andi. Namely, he says, “I’ve wanted to kiss you.” Marcus you cornball, you.
But Josh M continues his dominance over the field. Even if Andi hates that face he makes, she must secretly love something about it because Unemployed Josh M gets the rose.
Second One-on-One: JJ the Pantsapreneur
“JJ, love is timeless.” No it’s not, Andi, it takes four ****ing hours in a two-night extravaganza.
For a pantsapreneur, JJ’s pants have so far been disappointing. But now that the one-on-one arrived, he’s here to impress with his pair of snakeskin!
Maybe since he has the weirdest job, Andi saved the weirdest date for him. The two put on a ton of hair and make up to look like an old couple and run around Santa Barbara “pranking people.” Yea, I’m sure the ABC crew and cameras won’t give you away at all.
They reveal the way they look behind the mirror divider and JJ looks like a kooky old guy while Andi looks like Andi with a gray wig on. JJ’s makeup artist was so much more ambitious.
The two hop on some George Costanza scooters, walk around hunched over and ask for pictures for their fake 50th wedding anniversary. Then they start doing cartwheels, piggy back rides and throwing the football which I think freaked out a grand total of one girl at the park. In other words, the prank went amazingly well.
The two are spinning on a tire swing, as JJ makes the bold move to go for his first make out dressed as an old guy and spinning on a wobbly tire swing. Somehow the two don’t smash heads, but while this is a great move if you want to seem fun and kooky, it’s a horrible move if you want to seem romantic. We’ll see if this comes back to bite him in the crazy-pants-covered butt.
On the night date, the two go to a place called Bacara where JJ can tell her all about people calling him a dork when he was little. Wow, no kidding, JJ? I thought your paisley style pants would have made you the cool kid in school. Either way, this all makes her give him the rose. They make out as young folk again and so far every date has gone swimmingly.
The Ron Situation
Ugh, as if this season didn’t have enough inherent morbidity. Ron clearly had bad news when he was waving the cameras away from his phone conversation. He didn’t say much, but apparently one of his close friends from home passed away, and he has to leave to deal with things. Terrible. Good luck to you Ron.
Back at the house, it’s finally time for some controversy. JJ is so overwhelmed by his awesome date with Andi, he feels compelled to tell her what he thinks she needs to know. Apparently when the guys went into town for a non-date dinner (which is a spoil to being on the show I’ve never even thought of) Andrew got the hostess’ number and stupidly bragged about it to the guys. JJ is mad and so is Unemployed Josh M because they are here for the… you guessed it… “the right reasons!”
They go to confront him about it and he deals with it about as badly as you can, saying he’s “not going to engage in this” and runs away. He claims she just handed him the number out of the blue, and that they’re just “lowlifes” that want to bring him down because he’s “a threat.” A threat? Andrew, you’re the farthest thing from a threat! You’re the only one left I haven’t nicknamed.
This is going to get good when Andi finds out.
But she hasn’t found out yet. Andrew the Non-Threat (Hey! Look, you have a nickname now! Good for you little buddy.) gets to stay another week. Handsome Marcus gets a rose which isn’t surprising, but he hasn’t shown anything interesting past his rugged stubble shave setting. Farmer Chris, Explorer Eric, Basketball Brian, and Cookie Monster Marquel are all safe. Tasos gets a rose because he has pretty earrings. Popped Collar Cody gets a rose too, poised to start his magical run to the Finals… I hope. Going home are Brett the Mullet Stylist and Opera Singer Bradley, who much to my dismay cries instead of singing a heart-wrenching ballad.
Til our regularly scheduled Monday night, when everything about Andrew is sure to blow up in his face.
1. Unemployed Josh M
2. Dweeby yet Smooth Nick
3. Popped Collar Cody
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