Happy belated Valentine’s Day everybody! If any of you ladies are disappointed after your valentine gave you a coupon book during your date to the Pizza Hut buffet, sit back and grow angry at the indignity of it all as Juan Pablo takes his remaining ladies to the picturesque scenes of his hometown. They’re partying in the city where the heat is on, and the girls will act like a beach til the break of dawn. They’re going to Miami.
Juan Pablo is excited to be home, and to surprise his little Camila, who quietly colors as ABC cameras somehow don’t tip her off to her dad’s imminent arrival. The proximity naturally has many of the ladies wondering if the trip means an earlier-than-expected meeting with Juan Pablo’s family, and maybe even la madre de su hija.
The added pressure only gives Sharleen doubts, who isn’t sure she even wants to get a rose, admitting, “At this moment, I’m not ready to introduce Juan Pablo to my family.” Too bad, because Juan Pablo is already talking about Sharleen to his, as he tells his middle-aged, braces-wearing cousin (poor guy got the short end of the Pablo genetic stick) how elegant, classy and sexy the “Oprah” singer is, claiming “She could be the one.”
First One-on-One: Sharleen the “Oprah” Singer
In a change of pace, instead of a note magically appearing at the door like a Hogwarts owl, Juan Pablo decides to hand deliver the first one-on-one invitation. I hoped he would build suspense like opening an Oscar envelope, but instead he hands it to Sharleen, “It’s for you.” The date card reads, “Come sea my city.” Sharleen accepts with her usual confused reluctance, “Seriously? You’re not kidding?” No Sharleen, for the tenth week in a row, Juan Pablo is not kidding.
JP gives Sharleen 10 minutes to get changed as he sits to hang out with all the girls, which must be the most stressful 10 minutes in any girl’s life. Not only does the girl cut her average get ready time down from an hour and a half, but she’s meeting her date in the Mean Girls plastics-den. The girls wonder about Sharleen’s attraction to JP since she admittedly likes “smart guys,” which the girls then twist to mean “nerdy” because none of them are smart enough to know a difference. Nikki stares daggers and, in a refreshing twist, Clingy Clare is jealous because she wanted the first one-on-one, asking “Like, what is Sharleen? You know?”
Sharleen and JP finally arrive at their date, aboard a giant yacht to sail around the Miami beaches. The two make out the entire time, making kissing noises that sound like a Walking Dead zombie finding a meal. She concedes she can’t help but kiss Juan Pablo, but I think it has less to do with attraction and more to do with pervasive awkward silences.
The two go swimming in the bay and back to the deck of the boat for nighttime cocktails where Sharleen knocks to more back-revealing outfits out of the park. But no matter how the date changes, all the two keep doing is kiss. It’s so rampant that ABC is running out of gentle Ranchero music to play while they suck face. If they can scale a week of footage into two hours, I think this make out session lasted 17 hours.
Sharleen describes, “It’s so hard to not kiss him when I’m close to him, that it disturbs me… Like, I should be able to have a conversation, it makes me worry about what’s propelling this relationship.” Then she tries to have a conversation to propel the night, and it goes like this…
“I like the words you use.” – JP
“What word did I just use?” – Sharleen
“I don’t know, I like the words you use in general. How you speak.” – JP
“Ok.” – Sharleen
Yea, that had conversation had less propulsion than their docked boat.
No one-on-one date roses this week, but Juan Pablo clearly wants Sharleen to stay around. Instead, Sharleen seeks out advice from Renee about whether she should go home or not. You’d think Renee would pop up and offer to pack, but instead, she gives some sage advice to not make any emotional decisions she might regret. Somebody give Renee a sportsmanship award!
Second One-0n-One: Nikki the Nurse
The card reads, “Nikki, listen to my heart beat.” Rather than be excited, the nurse whined, “Am I gonna have to dance again?” and I have no idea where the connection from a heartbeat to dancing came from. Even though the thought of getting back in her hello kitty outfit to bust another move is terrifying, the truth is even more intimidating. Juan Pablo is taking Nikki to his daughter’s dance recital. So remember all that stuff he told Clare about how he doesn’t bring girls (especially crazy ones that are still competing in a reality dating show) around his daughter? Yea, forget that.
Nikki describes, “I’m almost speechless I’m so excited. It’s the good kind of nervous before you meet your boyfriend’s parents… and daughter… and daughter’s mother… I’m going to meet a lot of people!” For being so excited, she looks like she’s seen a ghost.
Nikki arrives to meet the family in short-shorts that were definitely against my high school’s dress code. The exchanges are all overly polite, as Carla plants a kiss on Nikki’s cheek, but I like to think she was just getting close enough to whisper a vague threat involving a “Colombian neck tie.”
The girls perform an adorable dance that was possibly good enough to back up a performance by 2NE1. Once it’s over, Camila runs so immediately to Juan Pablo that I think ABC had a hand in the divorce papers. Nikki tells Camila how perfect her performance was, which seems like an exaggeration, but Nikki has low standards since she can barely complete the YMCA. Camila wipes off her Cheetos fingers and gives Juan Pablo and Nikki a cheesy kiss goodbye. Maybe if she’d drop the Cheetos diet, her dance moves would have been crisper.
The two head off to their night date, which will be in Marlins Park, known here as Juan Pablo’s “office.” They have a picnic at second base, which I assume is symbolic of their steamier make out sessions. Speaking of moving fast, Nikki declares, “I’m in love with Juan Pablo.”
Here’s someone that totally isn’t in love with Juan Pablo: Sharleen. After her discussion with Renee, and lots of time to deliberate, probably by plucking off all the pedals on her rose and landing on “love him not,” Sharleen has decided to go home. After discussing with the girls, she had to go inform the Bachelor at his place.
Juan Pablo receives the knock and jumps into “let’s have sex in the ocean mode” answering the door with fervor and a giant smile. Not this time, Juanny Pabs. Sharleen has some bad news. “I just don’t know that I can get to the place I’m supposed to be at in three weeks’ time,” Sharleen whispers tearfully. Juan Pablo combats her crying with his signature healing method: he grabs her chin, says “Look at me,” and says “stop crying.” He helps make her feel better by joking, “The only thing that pisses me off is you did not sing enough for me.” She laughs, they hug, and part ways, then it’s Juan Pablo who needs somebody to grab his chin and say “Look at me” while he cries in the confessional. Sharleen gained power over the besitors and left the show.
Group Date: “My Hometown for Yours”
With Sharleen gone, the girls turn into wild hyenas, with Andi, Chelsie and Clare likely vying for the last two hometown roses. After the invitation reads, “My hometown for yours” from Juan Pablo, Chelsie reads another cute, witty date card, this one from Chris Harrison. “There will be a rose on this date. Use your time wisely because getting this rose means that you’ll be taking Juan Pablo to your hometown to meet your family.” Chris Harrison is more robotic than the cast of Wall-E.
Chelsie jumps for the alone time first, taking Juan Pablo aside to share some words of advice Chelsie’s mom had for her. She begins with number 1 “Two drink maximum!” JP responds, “I love your mom!” Then she gets to number 3, “Keep your clothes on!” and JP changes his expression to one of certainty that he will send Chelsie home.
Andi’s one-on-one time is a little more somber, as it always is during group dates. “Get ready for a breakdown,” Andi warns before crying about feeling vulnerable and wanting to know how everything turns out. Juan Pablo again cures tears by grabbing Andi’s chin and saying “Look at me.” I swear pediatric nurses should start using this technique.
Clare follows suit with some tears of her own after JP gets her on the topic of her father. Clare’s dad made a video message for the man that would marry his daughter. While this is undeniably heart-wrenching and sweet, my devious side hopes it’s just her dad maniacally screaming to the guy to keep it in his pants.
Andi gets the group date rose, guaranteeing she will get a date night and, more importantly, a trip home to Atlanta. Clare (surprise, surprise) is completely irate and fumes how she doesn’t understand why any of these other girls would get the rose before getting back into the plane and declaring, “Let’s f***ing wrap this s*** up and go home!!!!”
Andi and Juan Pablo go salsa dancing to the Latin stylings of Romeo Santos, who was introduced to us in a clever Dr. Pepper commercial placement earlier in the episodes, but is destined to become just another random Bachelor concert that nobody knows. Andi struggles while Juan dazzles, and the two have an incredible night. I wonder how the four roseless ladies are doing…
The Roseless Ladies
Nikki comes downstairs to see the rejects and Chelsie explains, “There’s a rose, and whoever got it go to stay. So it is what it is. Awkward I guess.” Everybody sits in awkward silence for a few moments before Clare quips that, “I guess Andi needed that reassurance.” Nikki, Andi’s buddy, snaps, “That’s so stupid!” and hightails it upstairs. And it’s officially CATFIGHT TIME!
Clare follows Nikki, upset at Nikki’s reaction over Clare’s denial-laced reasoning to why anybody but her got the rose. She gripes, “I feel like Nikki always gets away with just being a b****!” Clare arrives and the two argue back and forth over nonsense, interrupt each other, ask each other not to be interrupted, until Nikki asks Clare to please excuse herself from Nikki’s room which sparks the dumbest debate in millennia.
“This is not your room!”- Clare
“Oh, is your stuff here?”-Nikki
“This is all of our suite. Do you pay for this room?”- Clare
“Do you?!”- Nikki
“No, so it’s neither of our rooms. So it’s open space. Just want to clarify that.” - Clare
“You’re crazy, Clare.” – Nikki
If you thought Russia versus USA was an intense rivalry, then Nikki versus Clare is right on its heels! Nikki concludes, “There’s been times when I didn’t get a rose. Very few, but… I didn’t act like that. Clare’s like a dog. She peed on it first, like she claimed her territory, and the fact is… she claimed some territory that might not be hers.” Damn. Nikki just dropped the white-girl Bachelor-contestant version of Tupac’s “Hit Em Up.”
The rose ceremony comes, and same old stuff. Chelsie wants to connect, Renee is nervous, everybody’s special and yada yada. Until fate sits Clare and Nikki alone together in an intense awkward silence. Unlike Sharleen and Juan Pablo, these two unfortunately do not make out. Instead, they stare at nothing until somebody comes to save them. If they can edit a week into 2 hours, then that awkward silence probably lasted three and a half days.
Well, no rose for Chelsie. She goes home to hang out with her best friend in the whole wide world, her mom (wonder if JP caught onto that glaring red flag?). Like a champ, though, Chelsie got her glass of wine in a record-setting amount of time after getting in the crying limo.
Next week we’re off to see Andi’s Atlanta, Clingy Clare’s Crazy sisters, and whether or not Renee was lying about having a son this whole time.
- Nikki the Nurse
- Andi the Attorney
- Clingy Clare who Claims Everything from Juan Pablo to Contestants' Rooms