I hope you've been paying attention, because we're witnessing a historical run this January. Jameis Winston exceeded ambitious expectations to complete one of the greatest seasons in college football history (but I'm not talking about that...). Russell Wilson and Colin Kaepernick are trailblazing a frightening yet thrilling NFL revolution (nope, not that either...). And Peyton Manning and Tom Brady look to cement their legacies amongst the best of all time (well, we'll talk about this in a few weeks...).
Of course, I'm talking about JUAN PABLO! The man taking the world by storm doesn't do it from the gridiron, he does it from the hot tub. Juanny Pabs is quickly becoming a legend. Like Peyton and Tom, he's cool under pressure. Like Russ and Kaep, he's got all the skills for the new age. And like Famous Jameis, he's just a tiny bit too grabby. It's the most exciting combination yet!
So how else would you expect such a firecracker to start his Bachelor campaign?
First One-on-One: Clare
Well, of course, it's with a date with the crazy girl who just pretended to be pregnant!
Juan covers her eyes with a blindfold to take her on a car ride to a secret place. I secretly hope he's kidnapping her to Mexico, and this season turns out to be a prequel to The Bridge. Too bad. It's a ski resort.
The two sled, skate, and otherwise romp in the snow until it's time to retire to the jacuzzi. Clare purrs as JP joins her in the hot tub, and tries to control herself. So she moves to every Bachelor contestants' best defense mechanism to kill all sexual vibes, the sob story. JP treats the situation with impressive sensitivity reminiscent of Javier Bardem in Vicky, Cristina, Barelona (in case writing about The Bachelor wasn't alpha-male enough, I had to drop a Woody Allen chic flick reference for good measure). Chemistry flares and the two kiss when Clare declares Juan, "tastes like snowflake." Red flag number one! If a 32-year old is still eating snow, she's not The One. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Suddenly, so perfectly timed it was as if it was set up by producers (hey, wait a second...), music starts playing! The two immediately run into the snow with wet, bare feet before realizing they were about to die of frostbite. Finally, they cover up with towels and slow dance to some performer I didn't recognize, but looked like Jimmy Fallon gave birth to the son of Hagrid.
ABC forces Clare to tell us that that guy is Josh Krajcik, beginning the streak of dates with private concerts I've never heard of. Clare gets an easy rose and declares "I can only hope tonight is literally the tip of the iceberg for the rest of this journey," beginning the streak of dates with obvious puns.
Second One-on-One: Kat
Molly the Dog brings the date card in her mouth showing off to be the first service dog to actually provide a service. Kelly the Professional Dog Lover reads, "Kat," as Kat freaks out and everybody else stares daggers, "I can feel the electricity," continuing the streak of dates with obvious puns.
JP drives Kat on their date up to a runway with their own private jet. Meanwhile, in my world, I was no longer impressed that I bought a Groupon for a sushi date. JP feels up Kat by pretending to fall like Austin Powers during takeoff then says it's a secret where they're flying to. Again, fingers crossed on The Bridge prequel...
Nope. Juan's flashing light-up hoodie and Kat's fluorescent top and tutu tell us they're en route to a rave. So the two party animals head to the rave capital of the world... Salt Lake City, Utah... huh?
Either way, everybody in the state who isn't Mormon is awaiting their arrival at the start line jumping around like maniacs to pulsating techno music. My girlfriend announces, "This is the coolest date ever!" Turns out they are at the start of the electric run, a semi-competitive 5K race. My girlfriend recants, "Are you kidding me? Eff that!" Running during a rave is an impressive feat since it's apparently so hard to stay coordinated while tripping on Molly.
JP and Kat's entrance is insane. The crowd erupts and the two dance like wacky wailing flailing inflatable arm tube men. This is perfect for salsa-dancing Kat, who announced earlier, "Your first dance with someone is like your first kiss with someone." Sweet! So if ho-downs count, I had my first kiss like 14 years earlier.
The concert DJ announces, "Are you ready for the BACHELOR?!!!" The crowd freaks cuz Utah doesn't get a lot of chances to be cool, and JP and Kat go H.A.M. Despite being viewed on stage by thousands, Kat thinks, "Really, it felt like we were the only two people there." JP must've too, because he grabbed the mic and did his best Michael Buffer impression, "KAT, WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSEEE!!!!!" Kat and the crowd approve.
The card arrives for the first group date, and attending will be Chelsie the Science Teacher, Christy the Chi-Town Blonde, Kelly the Professional Dog Lover, Cassandra the NBA Dancer, Andi the Lawyer, Renee the Mom, Lauren the Pianist, Alli the Chi-Town Brunette, Victoria the Brazilian, Chantel the Black Girl, Nikki the Nurse, Lucy the Free Spirit, and Elise the First Grade BOOBS! *cough, excuse me* Teacher.
The date card reads, "Say CHEESE!" Kelly considers all possibilities, "I would assume it's a photo shoot, but maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both so I'm alright with either one."
It was the former, and for the photo shoot they are going to be paired up with a partner: PUPPIES! The photo shoot is for Models and Muts, who's raising money to save dogs from shelters. The girls get into various outfits imagined by Juan's creative director, who looks like the mad scientist that designed all of Willy Wonka's traps.
The blue bearded madman introduces outfits ranging from lifeguard swimsuits to giraffe makeup to a large foam fire hydrant costume that really compliments a lady's figure. Then Dr. FrankenWonka maniacally laughs as he reveals the outfit for Elise... a single cardboard sign. He does the same for Andi. He expects two of these women to pose naked with the dogs for the shot, so the best choice is obviously to ruin the careers of the district attorney and the first grade teacher. Dr. FrankenWonka makes them feel guilty by saying if they don't do it, they are ignoring a great cause to save these adorable puppies, which seems one step above high school peer pressure and one step below Jameis Winston. I wait for somebody to rebut, "Maybe you're just a horrible, uncreative hack who can't come up with any better ideas you pervert!" but sadly, nobody rebels.
Elise and Andi immediately panic, but while Andi cries alone outside, Elise snaps into action and finds the always eager to be naked Lucy the Free Spirit, who already went topless this week in the mansion hot tub, on a confessional, and in her bio touts, "I once organized a 50-person, fully nude dance party on the beach in Mexico." Quickly becoming everybody's favorite, Lucy agrees to go naked and give Elise the chance to look like a sexy fire hydrant.
Andi is still conflicted, but Juan Pablo calms her down when he reveals that he will also be in the photo shoot. This was the most laid back conversation in reality TV history where both parties agreed to get naked. Andi and Juan sheepishly pose for the camera while Lucy is super chill about the whole thing, and the Perverted Pixie Queen Photographer relishes in the success of his sinister plot.
Everybody dons more formal clothing for the cocktail party later that night. Then as Cassandra tells Juan about her son (with Rodney Stuckey on the Pistons!) and Renee unsuccessfully goes for the kiss, Victoria is apparently off drinking like a fish. Nikki tries to tell her to "tone it down," but Victoria argues, "I'm not drunk, I'm just fun!" She changes into her bikini, twerks in the pool, and drunkenly talks about how she gave JP the "hymen maneuver." She proves it wasn't just a Freudian slip, continuing, "When you do the hymen maneuver, you have to straddle him. If Juan Pablo is mine, I'm going to straddle him every day. Cuz life is about straddling... People and things."
Clearly feeling aggressive, Victoria marches to steal JP in her wet bikini like Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. When she sees Juan with Nikki, she's totally surprised that he's with another girl at a time like this and flees to the bathroom to cry. Attempts to calm Victoria down fall on deaf ears, and she threatens to leave. JP meets her the next morning at her room, where she isn't as embarrassed as she should be, "I feel everything very intensely." JP mercifully sends her home before the rose ceremony.
Two more are sent home rose less at the ceremony. Amy the News Reporter goes home after her tacky mock interview did not impress JP, but was probably good enough to get her a job on the "Today Show." Chantel goes home without us ever really knowing anything about her except that every season has a Chantel. Mend your broken hearts, ladies.
1. Nikki the Nurse
2. Andi the Lawyer
3. Clare the Fake Pregnant Fake Mexican