Des finally had to admit, “I’m the luckiest girl in the world!” Given that she grew up in tents and trailer parks and now has a Benz convertible and has been to Munich, Barcelona and Madeira in three weeks, I guess I’d have to agree with Des.
Next week, the guys who remain have to introduce Des to their parents, so naturally, they are nervous as hell. The guys mention how special Des is and how desperate they are for her to meet their parents. Then, in a sneaky funny insert by the producers, we cut to Chris on a boat shouting “Look at all the fish in the sea!” The symbolism is just too perfect.
Des brings back some old friends to help. Catherine, the winner and Sean’s new beau. Lesley M, every real man’s favorite that got robbed. Wow, they brought in the big guns! Who’s next? Jackie… oh, never mind. which one was Jackie again?
Des asks Catherine how Sean is. Last season, Des on her way out told Sean picking Catherine over Des was a “huge mistake.” Oh, sweet! Catherine has to be a little bitter! I become psyched for good ol’ hair-pulling, nail-breaking cat fight!
Nope, just a boring answer: “Oh. It’s a whirlwind. It hasn’t really ended. He wanted a best friend, I wanted a best friend. That’s what we are to each other.” Notice the lack of exclamation points. With that kind of monotone display of emotion, who could ever doubt those two crazy kids will make it?
Well, the girls ask questions and force out some reviews from Des. Best kisser is Drew, which makes sense after he ran away and made out in a Barcellona alley. Best body is Drew, which doesn’t make sense because there’s still shirtless Zak. Most successful is Michael, which DEFINITELY doesn’t make sense because I’m pretty sure if you’re any good as a prosecutor, you don’t go on reality dating shows. Although, this still probably makes him a good enough Florida prosecutor to work the George Zimmerman case.
First One-on-One: Brooks
Brooks has been the favorite ever since the first date, even if he does look like a grown up Zac Hanson.
Des downgrades from her Benz to pick up Brooks in a Smart Car, which is like trading your Gushers and Dunkaroos at school lunch for a single funky carrot. They drive up windy roads alongside a cliff to sit in the clouds (literally) of Madeira, where they come up with a triumvirate of analogies. “I’m on the road to love.” “My heart is in the clouds.” “Here’s to being on Cloud 9.” Ok we get it, you drove into clouds.
The two begin talking about like and love and what lays in between. They agree they need to come up with adjectives to bridge the gap, even though neither “like” nor “love” are adjectives. They come up with “stepping,” “skipping,” “running,” and “finish line,” which are three gerunds and a noun.
Des admits she’s at the “running” stage with Brooks, which is one step before love. Brooks gets red in the face, then admits he admits he’s behind Des, emotionally. C’mon Brooks, what’s not to like about a girl that makes out with everybody?
Des isn’t picking up Brooks’ hesitation. She totally digs him even though they never hang out, he’s weird and he’s probably gay. Literal fireworks go off, ending cheesy analogies for the night.
Second One-on-One: Chris the Cubs Player
This poetry thing is just getting nauseating. Chris the Cubs Player has written a poem per week because he doesn’t like to practice minor league pitching in his spare time. He finds out it’s a yacht date and looks forward to “chilling boat style, drinking some vino.” Only a poet can phrase things so beautifully.
They have their mandatory date picnic on a rock, which seems like the perfect time to write a message in a bottle. You know what this means… poem time! Except Chris doesn’t have one prepared like always, so they have to do it together. “Experiences we share together/Keep the memories close to the heart/So that with time/Our love never parts/No matter the distance or hours away/Know that I’m somewhere thinking of you/As the waves crash into the shore/I long for the day I’ll be with you forever more.” Well at least a couple lines actually rhymed. Just like the bottle, this poetry thing can put a cork in it. See, Bachelorette producers, I can make corny analogies, too.
Now for the night date, Chris is threatening to tell Des he loves her. This could go one of two ways, either 1) she’s totally smitten or 2) she’s completely freaked out and pushes him off the cliff.
Chris is sweating and nervous, but has a poem for Des. Correct me if I’m wrong, ladies, but wouldn’t writing it take away from the realness and sponanaiety of the 1-4-3 smile with a wink? Des disagrees with me. She reacts with the first option.
Third One-on-One: Michael
We all must wonder how Michael will be interesting at all without Ben or James. Hating other dudes was like Michael’s 5Hour Energy.
They get to tour the city, today, which is clearly the least romantic of the three dates. Perhaps the ABC Producers were saving their money for an actual contender. These two rode down a hill on a tobaggon, which is the Portugese pedicab. Later in the night, they stumble upon a Madeira trio, which technically keeps the streak alive for private concerts where I had to Google the artist.
Other than H&M hoodies and a shiny face, Michael G doesn’t have much else to offer Des.
Two-on-One: Drew and Zak
Zak is manly enough to show up shirtless and Drew always has parted hair. Zak will destroy Drew in any competition.
This one is at a pretty sweet go-kart track. They all let Des win the first race. Now it’s go-time, Drew vs Zak, and the winner gets a special prize. Well, as predicted, Zak smokes Drew because he’s super cool. Zak flies across the finish line fist-pumping and I can only imagine he found a way to pipe techno music into his kart. Drew somehow takes his helmet off with his hair still perfect.
Turns out the prize is the first one-on-one time. Zak busts out a sketchbook of everything he and Des have been through so far, and he did much better than last week’s painting. They make out, but Des reaches for her wine immediately upon separating, which is a bad sign. Des has no idea what she should be attracted to.
Now comes Drew time, and things go from silly to sappy quickly. Drew freaks me out with his overly focused love-purpose. If Brooks is probably gay then Drew is Liberace.
Drew wants to let her in and is super excited for Des to meet his family. First she has to meet his mentally handicapped sister. Since Des is always moved by a sob story, of course Drew gets the rose. This isn’t the typical two-on-one, though, and Zak gets to stay. Thank goodness!
The Chris Harrison Super-Serious Talk About the Heart
I suppose this is a staple of every season right before the hometown dates. Basically it’s a State-of-the-Union for the Bachelor/ette.
Des confesses she is at the finish line with Brooks. She is in love! What the hell? Chris H is happy for her, but why? Chris asks if she even needs to keep going? “Is it over?” Of course not, she’s open to explore. I’m sure it has all to do with exploration and nothing to do with being contractually obligated for three more episodes.
Brooks goes first. Of course he does. Chris is second, who Des is also falling in love with. Drew is safe already from the two-on-one, so now we are down to two: Michael and Zak.
Oh, Des, you better not pick Michael. I know how you like sob stories, and that diabetes shtick may have roped you right in. If Michael wins, I’m going to rack up parking tickets in Miami until Michael has to prosecute me, then use the witness stand to filibuster all the reasons Zak is cooler.
Zak wins the rose. Phew! Victory for dudes that like to party with their shirts off everywhere!
Filed under: Reality TV