Neglected wives of remote-hogging husbands may believe that there is never any downtime in sports, but there are plenty of mundane months where writers, and bloggers alike, try to put lipstick on a pig. We'll be seeing it soon, in the dregs of the baseball midseason when all that's exciting to talk about is Home Run Derby nominees (if you said, "But, the Cubs!" I applaud your optimism).
There's a lot of controversy behind the best sports month of the year (well, at least in my overzealous arguments with friends). Sure January has the NFL playoffs and June has the Stanley Cup and NBA Finals, but, at the risk of pissing off Capricorns and Geminis everywhere, April is the best. In the first week (THE FIRST WEEK!) you have Baseball's Opening Day and the Final Four. No matter which sport you follow, you have something to look forward to in the next 30 days, so let's review the shooting star of a sports month that is April.
April 1 - Baseball Opening Day
The grass is green and manicured. Spring is in the air (Ed. Note: It's ****ing freezing!). Cracker Jack sales have gone up a bazillion percent. It's that favorite time of year again for America's pastime, when hope springs eternal no matter who you root for, you know, unless you root for the Cubs (but hey! Samardzija looked good!).
Opening Day gives fleeting hope to even the most pessimistic, just ask Houston. The Rangers, Tigers and Rays look to be the class of the AL and the White Sox are sure to work their way into the picture at some point. The Nationals are anxious for their young studs to hit puberty. The Dodgers will keep making it rain. The Pirates will toy with .500 before ultimately failing, again. And the Yankees might suck! There are endless possibilities for this season, but one there is one thing we know for sure, PARTY ON CLARK STREET!
April 6 & 8 - Final Four & NCAA Men's Championship
Now I don't like to brag, but guess who is winning every bracket he is in? My bracket looked dead, but in true Easter spirit, it rose! My championship game remains in tact, with Louisville and Syracuse favored in the upcoming weekend. Unless Pitino's strict No-Milk-Diet takes down another Cardinal, Louisville has a good chance against that Wichita State team who has astonished and startled the world. I'd be mystified, stupefied, maybe flabbergasted, if the Naismith Trophy was hoisted by the... wait, what's their nickname again?
April 7 - Wrestlemania
Are you raising your eyebrow at this inclusion? Well, somebody is raising their eyebrow at your skepticism.
DO YOU SMELLLLLLLLL ... Ok, you get it! The Rock is back! He will have another legendary battle against the only guy that makes Jorts still cool, John Cena. The undercards could easily be the main event. After Mark Henry eats his opponent and the Miz continues his twisted sports-movie journey from Real World nonsense to WWE supremacy, Randy Orton, Sheamus and the Big Show take on the Shield in a chaotic six man tag team match. The Brock Lesnar will haplessly try to end Mr. Wrestlemania's career in a No Holds Barred Match, if Lesnar wins, Triple H must retire. Immediately before the main event, the rebellious CM Punk looks to dig a grave for the Undertaker's perfect 20-0 Wrestlemania record.
The only thing that stinks with this happening at the start of April is that it's hard for a supposed grown-up with a job to justify buying PPV over paying rent, but this is the kind of event that where guys would rather choose to body slam their landlord off the turnbuckle.
April 11-14 - Masters
"A tradition unlike any other." I guess I need to go to Augusta to understand this better, because it still seems like a tradition like any other four day golf major. At least this one has some new story-lines, like whether or not Tiger is back. Has anybody discussed that yet? This is the most momentum Tiger's been riding since his Escalade went into the tree. Or perhaps we can all find a new favorite.
April 25-27 - NFL Draft
Ah, the perfect curtain call for the action packed month. A tiny taste of that football that we miss so much. Can the Bears find a replacement for our departed hero, Brian Urlacher? Maybe Manti Te'o will be that guy or maybe he'll just Skype blow-up dolls. Another Notre Dame product could prove key for the Bears, in Tyler Eifert. 31 other teams will alter their franchise's future this month and shape the face of the league for years to come. Or, at least, you can just watch and laugh at Roger Goodell getting booed.
If that schedule doesn't perfectly fit into your life of leisure, watch the Bulls and Hawks get primed for the playoffs or see how your alma mater is rebuilding during Spring Ball. No matter your taste, you'd be a fool to miss out on this April.
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