Do you have a cross-dressing husband? You will probably say, no, of course not, but are you sure? Most wives are not even aware that their husband is a cross-dresser, until many years into their marriage. This big secret their husband has been hiding is buried deeply, until one day they feel compelled to tell their wife about something they have been struggling with their entire lives.
My first husband was a cross-dresser. A successful business man, I would have never suspected was he liked wearing lacy panties and a bra more than I did. He was a prominent figure in the community, where his image meant everything to him. Often, in the newspaper for coverage on his latest real estate transaction, he kept his personal life private.
We dated for a year, moved in together and had a glorious wedding at his home on a sunny fall day two years after we met. He was charming, smelled like sandalwood cologne, played music like Eric Clapton and sailed his boat into the sunset, where we would often make love. Everything seemed perfect in our lives, until one Halloween night after we got married.
We were debating whether we should go out dressed for Halloween. Discussing a last minute costume, he told me he once dressed as a woman for Halloween and it was fun. I thought about it, laughing, because my high school dance date, who was the captain of the football team, came dressed as a woman for the Halloween dance! I thought what are the odds that another man I was involved with wanted to dress as a woman? Obviously, pretty high since some studies have shown that as many as 10% of men have cross-dressed in their lives. Yet, it is difficult to know how many cross-dress or consider themselves cross-dressers, since many of them are still in hiding and can’t be counted.
I helped my husband with his make-up on Halloween, applying layers of foundation to hide his beard outgrowth. Never leaving the house, we made love in front of the fireplace, with our skirts and stiletto’s. The next day I woke up with a pounding headache from too many martinis, lying beside my husband, who was covered in lipstick and smeared mascara. We didn’t talk about his cross-dressing that day or even define it as such, writing the experience off to too many cocktails and sexual fore play.
Then, one day a few weeks later, he asked if I wanted him to dress up, again. He looked so happy to do so, I couldn’t say no. All I could think about was, “Where is he getting these large woman’s clothes?” Enjoying every moment in his or I should say her femme role, I was confused. Was this a sexual fetish or something deeper?
We were together for almost seven years and he never admitted he was a cross-dresser. I began to feel as if I wasn’t sexy enough and did some role playing, myself. One day I waited for him after work, wearing just a push-up black bra, panties, black stilettos and a black ranch mink coat he had given me for Christmas. Prepping my face with flawless make-up, I looked like a brunette Marilyn Monroe.
I eagerly waited for him, envisioning he would hold me tightly in his arms and make passionate love to me like Don Draper in Mad Men. The door opened, he took one look at me, and said, “You look great, I’ll go get dressed!” My libido fell flat, as tears ran down my face. I was indeed married to a cross-dresser. Where was my husband? He was enjoying his femme side, so much I didn’t know what to say or where to start the conversation. Was this a fetish or a sexual game? Or was cross-dressing part of who he was? I sensed it was part of him.
We should have had an honest discussion, as the more he dressed, with me not expressing my confusion and fear that I had lost my husband to this woman, the more distant our relationship became. He purged, and said he wouldn’t dress again in front of me and I suspect he did it in hiding. Our relationship was strained due to other issues, too, yet not having an open discussion on his cross-dressing didn’t help.
Unfortunately, this happens way too often with cross-dressers and their wives. Most cross-dressers want to tell their wives about their secret and probably would have told her early on if they had more self-awareness and acceptance of who they are. It takes years for cross-dressers to realize that their need to dress and to include their femme persona into their life is essential.
Many marriages don’t make it, yet some do. Open communication appears to be the key to better understanding. And, as more and more cross-dressers level with their significant others early on, the higher rate of success will be for a loving and tolerant relationship. For the wives, it takes maturity, confidence, patience and a husband who is looking out for both of you and is considerate of your feelings by acknowledging the effect it will have on your marriage.
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