Six reasons I didn't attend Lollapalooza

Look, before all of you Lolla-goers get mad at me, let me clarify. I have gone to Lolla every year since 2006 (besides this one). I love music, I love concerts, I love drinking beer that warms up in six minutes when it’s 108 degrees outside. However, this year I opted out.

Why, you ask? Well, here’s why.

1)   The fear of the repeat of the 2011 monsoon. I am still traumatized due to the event of watching Deadmau5 with what felt like someone took an industrial dumpster full of water and poured it on me. Repeatedly. Then hobbling through a sea of neon people who definitely were not on any mind-altering substances (“I love this rain, it’s so refreshing!” says the girl flailing around with her glow stick and covered in neon tribal paint) with a broken flip flop . I had to go to Walgreens looking like the Loch Ness monster and had to buy new tourist “Chicago” flip flops just to make it home. I am surprised a cab even scooped me seeing what I looked like.

2)   I am getting old, I admit, and I am losing patience with crowds. Look, girl with sequined backpack and jorts that show your butt cheekage, please get out of my way. I just would like to purchase a churro and that nifty flask of wine you can get. (Score one for Lolla here.) You can discuss with your 16 year-old boyfriend how you’re going to get back to the Metra later. Hint: It’s the OTHER DIRECTION from the lake.

3)   It always happens that the bands I want to see back to back are, of course, at the complete opposite ends of Grant Park. Usually, this would take about 5 minutes to get to and from. Let’s multiply that by about 300 at Lolla. I could walk to Evanston faster.

4)   Cell phone service is, well, not an option. I almost feel like if you go with a group, you should all hang on to one of those leashes that you see preschool teachers take their class out on field trips with. It is damn near impossible to find anyone if you separate. And being the paranoid OCD person I am about my phone, panic ensues when that text message just will not send. The horror.

5)   The port-o-potties at Lolla are the most rank, unbelievable things I have ever seen. Seriously, those things are live petri dishes and should be donated to science after the show. I am not saying that any port-o-potty is exactly a luxury bathroom, don’t get me wrong. I am not expecting marble tile and a Jacuzzi. However, breathing is a human right, and that right gets revoked when you step into one of these bad boys.

6)   Lastly, I proved a point out of principle this year. I have been repeatedly made fun of by saying after every Lolla each year, “Dude- I am never going back”…to then buy a three day pass. HA. So there. I didn’t do it this year.

I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade that had an excellent time and loves huge concerts like this. Hey, I did for a very long time! Personally, I wasn’t feeling it this year. But watch, I bet I’ll go next year. Are the three day passes on sale yet for 2014?

Filed under: Uncategorized

Tags: concerts, lollapalooza

Leave a comment