Let's face it, none of us are perfect. We all can be a little awkward sometimes. Maybe some of us (me) more than most. But I feel that these little instances have happened to you at least one in your life. If not, well then CONGRATS for being perfect.
1) "No, I swear there is money on this transit card"
This is usually me during rush hour trying to board the red line, sticking one of 13 flimsy CTA transit cards I have into the machine which I SWORE had money on it (this was the one sticking to the back of my wallet with a slight gum stain, it had to be) then holding up the line as you furiously try to get it to work. Angry stares.
2) "Oh, is this the contact number of your husband?"
Thanks, nurse. That's actually the contact number of my father on the 4 page form you make us fill out in case I accidentally die while you are examining my ears. Don't make fun of me for the possibility of dying alone while I just want you to give me some of that fun behind the counter Sudafed.
3) "PICKUP FOR AMELIA LITTERSKI?"
Um, aren't the pharmacists supposed to used some discretion? Isn't that why there's that whole "wait behind the line thing"? Not like I care, as I pick up really exciting meds like Singulair. Scandalous allergies. But, when I had the beginnings of walking pneumonia last summer, I needed a strong antibiotic. As I was picking up the prescription, of course, now around 4 attractive men, and not the usual geriatric crowd, the pharmacist decided to read the drug instructions to me in a loud voice that, the antibiotic I was on, Suprax, was also "COMMONLY USED TO TREAT GONORRHEA". Well, there went the dating prospects in the neighborhood, looking at the poor guy buying ChapStick.
4) "Do you need a gift box for this? This isn't for you right?"
Ah, I love snobby retail people. After recently buying a shirt in certain size, obviously "I need a ham sandwich with extra mayo" (that's what I am calling the clerk) was startled that it would fit me. Yeah, I'm nearly 5'10". Yeah, I don't need a size XXL just because of that. I already am self conscious enough about my body as is, did you have to rub it in? Should I just be going to the craft store and draping myself in muu muu fabric since I am not the size of an 8 year old?
5) "Yeah, we've met like,12 times before."
Nothing more to make you feel like an ass when someone introduces themselves and to you, they look like a complete stranger. So when you try to be nice and pull the whole "It's so nice to meet you!" and you get hit back with the above comment....whoops. This is why Amy stays in on a lot of Friday nights now.
6) "I completely meant to wipe the sidewalk clean with my face."
Again, nothing more to make you feel like a complete graceful swan as you walk out the door of work, slip on the one remaining ice chunk that is left, and do a banana-peel style slip in nice clothes in front of about, oh, only 18,000 of your fellow Chicagoans in the Loop. Better yet? No one cares. Everyone walks around you like you're a a dead pigeon when you really might need the lifecall button.
7) "Oh, you hang out with (fill-in-the-blank)? She definitely knew a LOT of guys in college." (snarky laugh)
To be answered with:
"Uh, that's my cousin."
Ohhhhhkay. Uhhh, I meant the other girl with a name that absolutely no one else has. Of course. Why couldn't her name be Mary Smith? This makes for a long awkward pause and the Larry David stare from the other end of the conversation.
Lesson: Don't say anything about anyone unless you've shared an Alan-style (from Hangover) blood brothers pact with them. Chicago might be huge, but it gets SMALL.
More awkwardness to come. As always, visit me on my Facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/scribblingofthoughts or follow me on Twitter- @scribblthoughts.