DirtyThirtyTimes: A depiction of daily life once you’re in that new age bracket

Things that have made me realize my impending birthday is one I don't want to acknowledge.

When I am in Forever 21 and realize I could be the mother of the girl trying on the same dress as me-whoops.

What I plan on telling people when I go back to my alma mater and we all “plan on partying it up”…”I’m going to go rage at Kam’s!” when we really went to Brothers and then ordered Papa Johns. (Which was really fun, girls. Don't think I am knocking it.)

When I realize I cannot eat McDonalds/etc and bounce back to being a skinny bitch in 2 days. Pants are tight. Not okay.

When a woman on an airplane tells me I look like her 24 year old daughter…I want to hug her and tell her she is a goddess.

When someone calls me ma’am…I want to smack them. Well, sort of. It’s respectful but also telling me I look, uh, older than 24.

When I go to a bar and hear “Regulate” come on and I rap every single word and look like a complete fool. But hey, I know every word. Even the extended verse. And if any of you get that, we are now best friends.

When people at funerals and weddings ask why I’m not married, I’d like to ask them why they have the nerve to ask me that.

When I realize that I am getting really annoyed with my hard partying neighbor when that was absolutely my friends and me in 2006, I realize, I am getting closer to a “Lifecall” button than a bottle of Patron.

When people ask me why I cant pick a career and stick to it and that “I should by this age”…deal with it. Everyone who is thrilled with their job, email me right now.

When a bouncer tells me it’s necessary to show other ID because this one doesn’t look like me…..I try to explain that I look like Gary Busey in my state ID due to being really sick and not washing my hair. They didn’t tell me I needed to take a new picture when I went to the DMV that day. Not fair. Then he looks at me again and is like, “Ha, never mind, you’re definitely not in need of being carded.” THANKS.

When I realize my mom was extremely mature taking care of a 2 year old at this age and I am still watching Jackass reruns, I feel grateful that some child is not under my care. I love kids (again, to contrary belief) but I don’t check my mail or even know how to work a dishwasher so how would I be certain to check on my kid?

When the ads on my Facebook are suggesting Botox treatments and not “Party with $2 dollar Jagerbombs Wednesday” nights. Are we saying something here?

When I get asked out by a 23 year old? Holy shiz. Really? Are you sure? When I go out with his friends: I realize why I do not date 23 year olds.

When I notice that there may be slight wrinkles around my eyes developing….yeah, slightly freaking out. Where are these young genes that my family has??

When people tell me “But you look young for your age!” MOST BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT EVER.

When I look at my skin tight blue dress in my closet that I loved not so long ago and now I feel like an old hag trying to look cool when putting it on…yeah.

When I realize I’d rather go out to dinner and come home at 10pm when 5 years ago I’d be leaving the house at 10pm to first go out…and I am happy about it.

Hence, the fact, I’m writing this at 1am on a Saturday, where as 5 years ago I would have been losing my driver’s license in a cab. So have a great night, whether you’re partying, sleeping, taking care of your little ones. You’re all great. We are just in different phases.

 

 

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