"Oh so you're a sexy...vending machine?" What to expect in costumes this Halloween.

So, it’s that time of year. Halloween season. The time of year where everyone has the license to dress up in whatever they choose. Every year, I always try to go as something ridiculous.  Unike many girls, I don’t try to take a completely random object and turn it into a “sexy” costume . (See photo below of “Hamburlgar”. Not exactly hotness.) For example, I could see myself having this conversation at a party with someone:

(To a girl wearing basically nothing but all white underwear with a broccoli sticker on her bra-)

Me:  “What are you?"

Her: “I’m a sexy refrigerator!"

In afterthought, I’d at least give her some credit for the creativity. Anyways, here’s what I expect to see this year on my night out on Halloween:

 1)   The obligatory political costume. Damn you, election year. I can guarantee I will see at least one of each of the following: Big Bird, Binders Full of Women, 47%, Mitt Romney’s creepy son, an empty chair, etc.

 2)   The “I swear this is a costume and not underwear but really, it’s underwear” costume. This can range (as stated above) from dressing like anything from a home appliance to a Victoria’s Secret “angel”. I mean, when you can make Bert and Ernie look like exotic dancers, you can do anything. But hey girl, if you’ve got it, flaunt it…I’ll just warn you, that’s going to be a rough walk of shame tomorrow morning if you decide to, uh, stay over somewhere. Bring a jacket.

3)   The “I’m a d-bag” costume. This includes guys dressing up in “Hawaiian” garb, like a grass skirt, with a shirt that says something like “Come Lei Me” or a guy wearing a large horseshoe type magnet around his neck with cats posted on it. (Think carefully for a moment what I’m referring to there. I’ve actually seen this out in Chicago. I wonder how that worked out for him.)

4)   The “standard” costume: Witch, devil, angel, etc. This is often the result of procrastination or for people who really could give a crap about Halloween and are forced to dress up for some sort of party.

 5)   The “Super Inappropriate” costume (different than “d-bag” costume genre, I just chuckle at those guys and shake my head). I cannot believe there is a costume of a skeleton with a measuring tape wrapped around it and it is called “Ana Rexia”. Why any woman would wear that is beyond me.

6)   The clever and completely random costumes that I am always jealous of.  Ones that are a good play on words, obscure 90’s movie characters, Mario Batali (I know a thin woman who dressed as him and it was so convincing her little child didn't recognize her.)

7)   And lastly, the plain old “Oh my god, WTF” costumes like this:

Have I missed anything? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I think this is fairly comprehensive, however.

Have a happy Halloween, my friends.

Sincerely yours,

The Hamburlgar

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    Amy Litterski DeSario

    Born and bred Chicagoan. 30-something. Married to this guy I met 14 years ago at a Northwest side block party. Have a dog. Never thought those words would be in a description about me. University of Illinois alum. I've loved to write since age 4. I enjoy coffee and hot sauce too much. You can reach me at scribblingofthoughts@gmail.com.

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