So, my Chicago friends and I decided to head to Vegas for a 30th birthday celebration. Fun! I thought, when hearing this idea. We did have an amazing time. A trip to Vegas, however, is like eating cotton candy….it’s really great for the first few bites and then it’s just…a bit much.
I was pleasantly surprised when I checked in at the airport and my ticket says “1F”. What is this “1F” you speak of? Is that the first row that’s saddled next to the lavatory without ventilation? GREAT, I think. Alas, to my surprise, they give me a huge grin as a show my boarding pass and alert me I’ve been upgraded to “first class”. Um….ok. Computer error? Wasn’t going to question. Really glad I showed up in my Sunday’s best and by that I mean a hot ass mess.
So, here were a few things I’ve learned about my trip and about Vegas in general:
1) Once you fly first class, you will never want to return to flying in coach. It’s like the difference between the CTA and the Metra. But better. (Also, sidenote: how do you spot two Chicagoans? When they know how to hustle to the best car for the interhotel tram. We forget it is not the Red Line at rush hour.) And, for all you Curb your Enthusiasm watchers out there, they really do give you a “hot towel”. Just because. I, on this return flight back used “ez pack moist towlette”. It didn’t hold the same clout.
2) The Vegas Strip (and, I have seen it before) may be the one place on earth that will make my corner of Clark and Division look like rural Utah tonight. It is the most interesting mixture/clusterfail of people I’ve ever seen in my life. I saw a live, human Transformer; people in complete wedding gear drinking out of those 60-inch margarita tubes; people wearing full neon spandex from head to toe. And, no, guy flipping tickets aggressively in my face wearing a shirt that says “GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS-Best girls in town”, I don’t need your “services”.
3) You will learn where all the “hot clubs” are. And yes, the décor and atmosphere are pretty amazing. But, you better bet your tourist behind that you have someone who is connecting you to get into one of said places or plan on waiting in a line not unlike the one at Comcast on North Ave. The pool parties are very fun; however, a since its you and 10,000 of your new best friends, it’s bit close for comfort with your newest neighbors. Don’t really want to know what’s in that pool. Round of antibiotics, anyone?
4) If you’d like, you can start your marriage anywhere. The “super legit” minister will be happy to help. However, I see it as also a places that starts fights in many marriages. “No, I did NOT go to the strip club (which there are 545347 available). We just, you know, went to see Cirque Du Soleil. It was magical, sweetheart.” Oh yes, and by that you mean your little “show” from Kandi Kane (obvs her real name).
5) The mullet is alive and well in Vegas.
6) Um, it’s a dry heat, but dry heat is still 107 degrees of scorching sun. Ok, yes, our Chicago humidity sucks, but sorry folks- when you are sitting outside and its 107 degrees, I would still file under “unbearably hot”. Heat is heat. When you beat my body temperature with the outdoor temperature: it’s still hot. That’s when you make the smart decision to go in the water and drink fruity drinks. That’s when three hours later you realize that was not Gatorade and you may topple over from severe dehydration. And look at your back and realize…hm. That’s just a little pink (glowing red). Being the naturally bronzed goddess that I am (read: pale as hell Polish gem), I, uh, had to purchase some aloe today.
In closing: best two quotes heard in the security line at the airport as I was departing:
1) (Really packed line, 1:14 pm) Dude wearing what may be his clothing from the night before, shouting “Can we get this thing moving?? My flight’s at 1:20!” Might want to look into rebooking that.
2) Another person shouting across the line to her friend (this is the coach security line, mind you): “HEY! IS THAT WAYNE NEWTON??” Yep. Wayner flies coach like the rest of us peasants. Totally.
All in all, I had a fabulous trip. Mainly because I was with good company, but Vegas is a trip. Literally. I’ll go back again. This time with aloe, a mullet, and hoping the First Class Fairy magically blesses me with an upgrade. Then I can sit with Wayne.
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