Texting: It's the best and the worst

Disclaimer: this is from my old blog. But I can plagiarize from myself. I just felt this fitting right now.

What did we do back in 1999 when your only attempt at reaching someone not via a landline was through AIM? Your desktop computer was surely not strapped to you at all times like your cell phone is these days. Therefore, after further thought, I've come to realize that some of the texts I've received during my dating days have ranged pret-ty, pret-ty much. (If you catch the Curb reference, bonus points to you, my friend.)

There have been a myriad of types of texts I've received during my dating times. In a fashion typical of my own, I've decided to classify these into certain types. Good, bad, ugly- I've received them all. Let's start out with the good, shall we? I've removed area codes to protect the (not so always) innocent, but the good old 847 area code (hello, North Suburban family plan....what?) is yours truly.

The good:

The "Witty banter so I know we are on the same page with our humor" text

(***): Hey, how's your day?

Me (847): It's been swell. At the DMV in Lombard by work and the woman helping me is a complete low-talker.

(***) At least she's not a sidler.

Wow, bonus score- someone who understand a Seinfeld reference. These texts are always welcome. Understanding a Seinfeld reference? Key to my heart.

The "I am polite and letting you know I am running late and not dismissing you" text

(***) Hi, I'm so sorry, it's ****** and I am about to catch a cab. Hubbard is a mess. Bachelorette party. I will meet you in 10 minutes? So sorry.

(847) No problem. See you when you get here.

See? Thank you. It's ok to admit you're running late. I'm not always the poster child of punctuality, so I appreciate the heads up so I don't look like a creep dining by myself with two menus. Thoughtfulness appreciated.

Then, we go downhill a bit from here....

The "More excuses than a sophomore in high school who is trying to convince his mom to stay home sick" text

(after 5 days of radio silence of what was a "good" date)

(847): Hi- how are you? Hope all is well.

(***): Oh, hi. I've been meaning to call. See, I've been really busy....my company is undergoing two mergers, then I had to rush over to my brother-in-law's to fix his gutters because he's afraid to get up on a ladder, then my little sister had an ice skating tournament, then my best friend told me he's going to do the Peace Corps in Guam so I had to say goodbye to him, then my friend's car got towed and I had to take him to the shady tow lot on California, then my sister's cat died. I've been so busy.

(847): Wow, busy week.

Honestly, if you don't want to see me, just don't respond. Or just say "I've been busy". Don't write a novel resembling a Choose Your Own Adventure book explaining why you haven't had 4 seconds to write something within your whirlwind of a week. Had it been a legit excuse (I've been hospitalized, kidnapped, etc.) I'd be more understanding. Newsflash: I get it.

The "I speak only out of Urban Dictionary" text

(***) Yo

(847) Hi there, what's up?

(***) Yo, not sure, gonna chill at my homie's spot then hit up whereva. Hit me up later if you're around. I hear my homie's got a sick spot, gonna check it out. Really dope.

No. I did not sign up to date Color Me Badd from 1993. Sorry.

The "Try saving people's names in contacts when you go on a number gathering rampage" text

(***) Hi Jennifer, it was so great to meet you the other night at Tavern. You're so beautiful. I would love to take you out sometime. You're a princess. XOXO

(847) This would be really moving and sweet if my name was in fact Jennifer. My name is Amy. Keep your ladies straight.

(***) Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong number. Who is this again?

Major fail. It's as easy as: Enter phone number. Save name. Thank you.

The "I must have mistaken you for a teenage girl when I met you after reading this" text

(***)Hello there.

(847) Hi, how are you?

(***) I'm GR8T :-) Going out tonight and wanted to see if you wanted to join. :) :) You seem like a lot of fun and I was hoping you'd meet me out :-D Unless U are busy and have other plans 2nite :'( Which you probably do but maybe tomorrow? :) :) I hope you sleep well!! zzzzzzz Unless you are already going out :-o Let me know ok? Supposed to be sunny and 80 tomorrow 8-) :-D Good night sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite hahaha ;-) :) Good niiiiiight. :-p

When there are more facial expressions than consonants included in a text, I can't help but thinking of notes I used to pass in 5th grade that included such verbage. Nope.

The "Beyond compherension" text


(847) Hey, how are you?

(***) Hershfb euodfjs zzzzzzz,,rrrrrrrr. Ihere

(***) outtttt feerr lonrggg tm happpppppppppppppppy hrewiour at burthchhshhhssss mchguireuiss

Yes, I can see how you are. I believe "happy hour" made you quite happy. (My translation skills have improved tremendously.) And, where you are is not planet Earth right now. No. You're at Butch McGuire's.

The "Wellness Check" text

(847) Hi, are you alive?

****30 minutes later....

(***) Yes. Sleeping outside apartment door. Coat on. Warm. Wood floor not bad.

I guess that answers my question. Barely alive. Glad for the wellness check. Glad to know the two steps inside your apartment seem like a journey for you to make it inside right now, but glad your coat is....warm?

Long story short, the text message has provided us almost way too much insight as to what our potential significant others are doing. I almost miss the days of ignorance where we couldn't get these glimpses.

Filed under: dating, Text messages

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