Seriously, last year I went to the ER dutifully because my symptoms matched up with appendicitis only to find out that it was probably just an ovarian cyst, and when the pain cropped up again today--
Not again, I thought.
It started around the belly button, vaguely, and then intensified as it moved and coalesced to the lower right quadrant, and I felt nauseous and it just kept hurting, especially in my back, but me being me, I kept second-guessing the pain.
Am I really in pain? How much is it on an objective scale? How does it compare to the gallstone pain from when I had gallstones but didn't realize it because the pain was all in my back and I just have back pain as a matter of course so I just figured it would go away eventually if I just stretched enough to release the muscles, oh, probably in a year or two, only to wake up from gallbladder surgery with the pain mysteriously, inexorably, gone.
I didn't want to go to the ER. I didn't want to go for it to turn out to be nothing, again.
But I also didn't want a burst appendix.
It was like the Schrodinger's of abdominal pain.
And I am terrible at gauging how much pain I am in--I can put up with a fair amount of pain, physical, emotional, etc. My husband and the nurses had to nag me to take my pain meds when I was in labor with my daughter because I wasn't sure how bad was bad enough to deserve pain meds, and I ought to just tough it out because it's like what my dad said, it's "all in your head."
Pain throws me into a panic because how do I quantify it? How can I prove the pain? I feel like it must be provable for it to be real, because I was afraid of it being like what my dad said, about it being "all in your head."
I hoped it was the appendix this time just because then there's proof. Proof. A reason why the pain exists and was bad enough it was kind of hard to focus on work, but maybe I could have worked through it, if I took medicine for anxiety because otherwise I'd descend into a spiral of self-doubt about everything.
Yes, I'm the crazy person actually hoping for appendicitis. I pretended to be normal by appearing relieved when they couldn't find the source of my pain, but inside I was like, oh great, they'll think I'm a druggie and a hypochondriac and did I even feel pain at all? Did it even exist?
It's entirely possible, though, that the pain is a result of my C-PTSD. They say the body remembers. The body holds the pain. The memories. The stresses.
I've had these issues before--with stress and trauma causing mysterious pains and illnesses that shouldn't really exist but they did interfere with life enough.
And it does interfere with life. It's even to the point I almost want a prophylactic appendectomy or oophorectomy just to be able to stop the dang confusion. Or hell, take them both out and if I have that abdominal pain again, we'll have ruled out two major possibilities already. See, I'm at a point where removing organs just in case seems quite logical even when it's entirely illogical. Because I have enough of a grasp on reality to realize it's illogical, at least.
At least I still have my mind...oh wait...
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