Narcissism, Donald Trump, and my father

Narcissism, Donald Trump, and my father

It's interesting. There are reports of Donald Trump demanding respect, and feeling deeply wounded by the "disrespect" he has been getting from people.

This is exactly like my dad--he would rage and shout and yell until his head started turning purple if he even *thought* you disrespected him, whether or not you did, because it's his own *perception* that mattered, not the truth. And he would yell until you were confused as to what the truth even was anymore, until you were properly embarrassed and sad and upset and visibly repentant, and then he would punish you and control you even more tightly.

All of our interactions with others were usually controlled, or else we were properly brainwashed or in the right environment where it would get back to him, so that the truth would never come out about how we were afraid of him, about how he was actually a very sad, vulnerable, empty man, sensitive to any slight.

There were moments of clarity, when he was actually a dad, when he was a person, but they were few. I lived for those moments. It was never the entire day, but maybe 15 minutes. 15 minutes of hope that maybe he will change, maybe this is the new dad--and it was exactly what I needed in order to keep myself obedient to him. The hope that me being exactly what he needed to fill the emptiness inside him would somehow change him and everything would be perfect.

That is a lie. Being perfect is impossible, and the shape of the emptiness changes constantly--so as soon as you think you know how to behave for a "good" dad, it changed. That's how they keep you on your toes, with gaslighting. And because of the rage and the uncertainty of what he would say next, you never know what the truth is anymore. Just that what HE says is truth.

That is what Trump is working on right now. There will be moments when we'll see, "Hey, that's not so bad after all," but it's these moments that he will use against us later to gaslight us into believing that other atrocious, terrible things, to tolerate what others would objectively find intolerable.

It's frightening. I'm finally breaking free of the old thought patterns from growing up with a narcissistic father, only for the United States to elect a narcissistic president.

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