When I say "I'm fine," it usually means
"I am not fine but I don't know how to say that without coming across as socially awkward."
Behind every "I'm fine"
are hundreds of thoughts, like birds, tiny little dots rushing, halting, turning, flying, diving, soaring, silhouetted against a twilight sky.
Every "I'm fine"
means "I was fine, but I am not fine now, and I don't really understand why."
I can try, though. I have a couple of ideas.
- A story I cannot share yet, for the safety of all involved. But I am reminded of the pervasive fear of living at home, under my father's rule.
- I am on edge, because tomorrow, someone who is a gross exaggeration of my father will take the oath of office and become the 45th president.
- I am triggered. The gaslighting. The memories.
- I ran across my old journals and couldn't read more than 2 -3 pages of my 10-year-old self, let alone the ones from my teen years.
- Medication changes still taking hold.
- Weird and bad dreams.
- Intrusive thoughts (though thank God they're not so compulsive this time around).
- Anxiety and waiting.
I am fine.
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