Archive for November 2016

It is okay to not look at the news. Just as a reminder.

Just as a reminder: it’s okay not to look at the news. Especially in light of so much bad news is out there. Part of me wants to provide examples, because I try to provide examples for everything–but this is one case where I won’t. You already know. If you turn on the TV right... Read more »

Thanksgiving Vignettes

Thanksgiving Vignettes
We received our turkey from the farm at Boys Town. It was fresh, with little feathers still stuck to it everywhere. Mom had to dig out her great grandma’s cookbook to learn how to take the innards out, since they weren’t pre-bagged. It didn’t fit into the giant pan we had, and we had to... Read more »

Slow is fast in recovery (but c'mon let's get this over with)

Slow is fast, my therapist reminds me. Slow is fast in treating disassociation. And honestly, by extension, I realize that slow is fast with recovering from depression, anxiety, C-PTSD. It seems a common theme among us survivors in groups: I wish I could just have surgery and get it cut out and get on with... Read more »
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In Trump's America, my daughter will still learn kindness

Friends of mine are already on the receiving end of hate–for their gender identity, for their orientation, for the color of their skin, and for their disabilities. I am fortunate not to have received any–or if I have, I’m deaf and haven’t actually heard anything. But my heart weeps for my friends and people in... Read more »

Trump triggers fear, anxiety in survivors of abuse

Trump triggers fear, anxiety in survivors of abuse
Shouting. Anger. I disassociate as my heart races. I can’t stand shouting. Anger. Photos of him. Videos of him. It sends me into a tailspin of panic. Dread sets into my heart. Fear. Anxiety. The coldness and pain in all my limbs. I remember the yelling. I remember the anger. I remember the whitewashing. The... Read more »

I've never really liked Hillary Clinton, but I do now

I've never really liked Hillary Clinton, but I do now
I don’t know why I’ve never really liked her. Even though I’ve always wanted a female president, I hoped for Bernie. It’s so funny how an older white guy appealed to me and so many of my millennial friends (I still am in denial that I am a millennial. I prefer to think of myself... Read more »
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Righteous Anger (but I really don't want to be angry)

If you know me, I hate being angry. I’m afraid of anger. I will shut down and retreat to reboot my brain when I start going into fight-flight-freeze mode and am afraid of my words causing wounds. I will disassociate from situations that make me angry, or actually physically remove myself. Even just a few... Read more »

Seeing my daughter grow up is making me realize just how bad my childhood was

Seeing my daughter grow up is making me realize just how bad my childhood was
With each giggle from my daughter, with each silly joke or game, with each playful “Mine!” as we play-learn about sharing, my heart smiles. With each tantrum, I take a deep breath, and remind myself–she is learning boundaries. She is growing. She is independent. But, sometimes my heart hurts, like a cold icicle stabbing it... Read more »

Reasons my toddler was crying

Reasons my toddler was crying
All of these examples came in the last 36 hours. Yes, we’re in that stage. I sadly do not have photos of her crying at all of these, because I’m trying to keep from losing my own shit. If you can only keep some shit together, keep yourself together. Then you can better carry an... Read more »
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Disassociation is a strange creature

Disassociation is a strange creature. I’m still trying to figure it out. When am I disassociating? How can I tell? How can I bring myself back? Why am I disassociating? What is it protecting me from? Also: What is disassociation? Seriously, what is it? It’s numbness. I can feel emotions, but somehow some of those... Read more »