Or rather, EVER. Being no-contact is the best thing for me, my family, and my daughter. Though, to be honest, I do get those twinges of wistfulness, of "what could be."
Being no-contact is easier as time goes on, (I promise, it does get easier for those of you just newly NC), but there are the hard days. Especially at certain times of the year, like Christmas. I kind of wished my mom could have been there when I was giving birth, but I did fortunately have a wonderful mother in law who was able to witness it.
It would have been nice to have visited my family on Baby Girl's first vacation, and meet her 2 other aunts and 3 other uncles. Think of all the love! But I know that's assuming they are more or less psychologically stable and not currently being abused, nor perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Unfortunately, it is still entirely too toxic.
I'm reminded of that when I think of how I felt when I wrote my last post. And how I feel now.
I then think about my ACE score, (4) and how childhood trauma affects the body and the brain...forever. One thing about the ACE score is that it doesn't include other kinds of trauma that would definitely bring that score up, so mine could actually conceivably be higher--but this is a useful guideline. According to the link "With an ACE score of 4 or more, things start getting serious. The likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increases 390 percent; hepatitis, 240 percent; depression 460 percent; suicide, 1,220 percent." That's just some of the stuff they looked at.
So no wonder I felt like absolute crap. And still do. No wonder I keep getting back into depression and nasty patterns of self-defeating thoughts and self-criticism.
My father swore at me when angry. He would act in ways that would make me afraid he would get physical on us, though he rarely did. He did the same to my mother and siblings. He controlled us. He lost his temper and would take it out through the "legit" way of punishment: spanking. He'd direct our tiniest movements when he was angry at us. He'd aim a foot at the dogs when angry. He'd make fun of me to other people, and told me how expensive I was.
We lived in fear of his moods, waiting for him to snap.
Ostensibly, he had depression, but he is also narcissistic. What a mess.
Do I want her to see that it's okay for my dad, or anybody for that matter, to treat people that way? NO.
Do I want my daughter to feel the same way? Heck, no.
This is why I am not tempted to break no-contact this holiday season. My sweet, round-cheeked baby should not need to recover from her childhood. She shouldn't be witness to what me and my siblings have gone through. She should not have to feel the way I do.
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