Vacationing in the homeland country

Random person: "Oh, you have such a cute accent! What country are you from?
Random person: "Oh! That's so ne....oh....."

I'm from Deaflandia, and my life-long stint in Hear-o world has mostly obliterated my Deaflandia accent, except for this "cute" little tinge that make people think I'm from one of the following countries: England, Germany, Australia, or New Zealand.

However, I hail from the noble, rugged land of Colorado, which is admittedly not quite as exotic-sounding as the above four countries are. Unless you're horrible at geography.

I love to visit my homeland country, see my mountains. Real mountains, not the artificial one of the Chicago skyline that I see from Northerly Island. Real ones where the storms brew up in the afternoon and you're supposed to be aware of lighting out of the blue.

My homeland country also has many relatives who have stayed behind in my family's trek to the great East, and some friends who have moved West, and I of course visit as many of them as I possibly can, crammed into a short visit.

The only problem is, that whenever I visit my homeland country (or even my adopted country of a particular state to the east of Colorado), I seem to get nightmares. I'm hoping that I won't get nightmares this time, like the last two times I visited since I broke free 4 years ago.

I think the last time I visited must have been 2009, in the immediate aftermath. I woke myself up yelling, though I think it was dream-screaming. I hope it was. It was hard to feel rested, and I felt on edge the entire day or two after those nightmares. Though, to be fair, I was still having nightmares after I moved out in general--Colorado just made it more intense.

Then, two years ago, when I visited again, most of my nightmares had abated--but they came and stopped by to make sure I didn't forget how I felt while growing up. Which sucked.

Though last year, when I visited my other homeland, I only had one nightmare, and I didn't feel so on-edge anymore in general. I was more focused on helping my friend have a great wedding day. Part of the progress may be due to the fact that I had started regular therapy earlier last year with a therapist that finally worked for me. We talked through my fears, and talked about the what-ifs. What if I ran into my parents, and they started trying to gaslight or guilt-trip me?

I can stay strong. If they started doing any of that and disrespecting MY boundaries, which are constructed to protect me from further emotional and psychological abuse, I will catch it, and I will say something about it. And I can leave if I want to. I am not a child anymore, and I am not trapped. As it happened, I didn't run into them.

I'm hoping that this time I won't have any nightmares. I told my therapist that hope (and that I'm packing a nightguard just in case I do), and she suggested I tell myself that I won't have nightmares. Talk positively to myself, especially before bed. I can be strong against the dream figures. If I start sorta reliving one of dad's rages in my dreams, I'll just tell myself that I can leave...and teleport out to someplace else safe.

So far, I haven't been able to do that during my rare nightmares, but I'll keep trying.

And so far, I haven't had any nightmares in anticipation of this trip, thank goodness. Mostly, I've been dreaming about my siblings, about taking care of them back when they were all still very little. Sweet dreams like that.

I'll hope.

Filed under: Abuse

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