I blame the clouds. Really. That, and a general feeling of lack of sleep even though I've been getting plenty of rest...I think. I wake up, go to work, come home, nap, and then wake up in time to go to bed. So ya think I'd be well-rested.
I have a couple of ideas of posts rattling around in my head, and yet I feel fully unqualified to write. Why? What's the point of it? Nobody's going to read it.
And yet the other part of my brain keeps telling me to keep plugging away. Force myself to exercise, force myself to write, force myself to eat healthy, force myself to go to counseling. I have been feeling better for the most part, but I still have slowdowns. How normal are they? I don't know. I'm afraid of my slowdowns because I'm afraid it's a sign that I'm going to slip into depression again. Or into the throes of PTSD.
There was a loud slamming noise in the little bagel shop I'm in just as I started writing, and then I thought I heard crying, but it turned out to be some other machine sound or something, but it threw me right back to my memories when younger. Temporarily, at least. I had to remind myself that, no, that's not dad. No, that wasn't a baby crying. No, there's no yelling. There's no reason to feel fear. I was able to calm down quickly enough, thank goodness, but that clutching feeling in your esophagus sucks. The whole 'heart in your throat' feeling, you know?
I am making progress, at least. I hope.
I still live in fear that I'm not going to be good enough. For my husband, for my boss at work, for my future children, for my friends, for my (trustworthy) relatives.
I'm going to just throw a couple of my blog post ideas out here, just to get it out there, in no particular order.
- Trickle down economics. You just have to fight with other people over who gets the right to beg for scraps from the richest people in hopes that the richer they are, the more likely you are to feed your family.
- Having biological children when your family is fucked up, mentally. It would be awful if my future children also developed borderline or narcissistic personality disorders. And depression is so damn rampant in my family. Is it better to adopt and not know, than it is to have your own children and know the probabilities? (All discussions of fertility aside.)
- Exercising. I already notice progress in my strength and endurance.
- Not reacting to people who trigger you. Or the one person whom still triggers me, and I'm still working on that.
- I think it's stupid for Episcopalians to be celebrating the Queen's jubilee. I don't give a fig over a ceremonial figurehead. Sure, you can talk about it. Blip in the bulletin. But actually planning a celebration/honoring event like Evensong? Ugh. No. Why is it such a big deal? Anglicans, sure, Episcopalians, no.