Joyful thing for Mother's Day, I know. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now. I went to church with my husband this morning, which was nice. Then we went for a walk in this warm sun before he worked. On my way home, I walked at a slow steady pace, like my therapist taught me. Step by step. It keeps me present while I try to contain my thoughts and worries and put them away in my imaginary container.
It's hard to put away thoughts that I haven't processed, yet...but you can process only so much, and I'm learning that I can put them away, and pull it out to look at it at a later date. Seeing a dog made me sad, because a dog is the strong steady imaginary therapeutic animal that I've constructed, something to help me feel safe when I struggle to stuff the thoughts into the container.
I came home, and for some reason, I burst into tears, the sadness getting overwhelming. The depression-feeling made me sink into my chair and feel incredibly unmotivated. So, perhaps writing this out will help me move on so I can start cleaning up my apartment and finishing my last assignment for school.
I'm worried. I'm worried about my deafness affecting my job, causing me to learn much more slowly and causing me to make mistakes since they rely on verbal training. I'm worried about gathering my courage and my can-do problem-solving skills to get things in order, because I'm afraid that I will get questioned, and then feel stupid because I didn't realize this sooner, making things worse because that's the way it was with my dad.
I'm sad. I miss my mom--or rather I miss the idea of having a REAL mother who is strong. I miss some women in my life who live far away from me, but who are amazing mothers and my surrogate moms. I feel guilty for not having bought them all cards.
I'm sad. I think I've mentioned it before, but I'm one of my sisters', Anna's, godmother. I was confirmed before she was baptized, and even though I wasn't 18 yet, the priest let me be her godmother. I should have seen it coming. All the godmothers in my family have all sort of faded away. My parents' former friends, my former friends' mothers, and then me...we all, after a point, stopped being part of the family. It's so strange. And sad.
I'm sad. I miss my siblings. I was the second mother, someone, if they just saw the back of me, they would mistake me for mom. I've accidentally been called "mom" many times by them, then they laugh and say, "I fot you were mom! Hey, Holwa..." and go on to ask me what they were going to ask mom. I tried to protect them from dad. When he raged, when he punished them, I would sneak off and try to give them a hug, and either sit with them or give them helpful advice. I told them that dad was the crazy one. Not them. Sometimes I had to manipulate situations, using my experience with dad, just to protect them from him, the master manipulator. I still feel guilty, but I wanted to protect them from the worst.
I feel sad, because I'm not there anymore for them. I'm two states away. And they're still so young. Does Joey, the youngest, still remember me? He was 5 when I was disowned, when I last saw him.He's almost 9, now.
I think, in a way, I was their surrogate mother. I think, in a way, I'm mourning the loss of my little ones, my siblings.
I also miss my fur-baby, my dog, Bailey, whom I had to leave at home when I moved out, since there was very little in the way of affordable housing when there's a dog involved. The cat=dog equivalency ratio must be three to one...it took three cats for the house to feel as full as if we had a dog. I hope she's doing okay. She always protected me when dad yelled...she would wag her butt nervously and try to push me out of the way when he yelled. Sometimes he mock-yelled and mock-grabbed me just to make Bailey nervous. I don't know if she's still alive. She's an ol' lady.
I need to beat back this sadness. I have too much to do to be held down yet again by depression. I'm afraid of getting into the depths of depression again.
Filed under: Abuse