PTSD is a bitch. It can go DIAF, too.
I keep thinking I'm weak. That I shouldn't be feeling this way. I've been NC (no communication) with my parents for a couple years now. Shouldn't I just pull myself up by my bootstraps and put on a happy face and go on my way?
I try. But I must say that bootstraps-erism is faulty logic. It's nearly impossible for people to pick themselves up without any help. Hell, even Jesus had help carrying the cross when he was on his way to die, so if the Son of God needs help, so do we mere mortals.
I get my help from my husband, from his family, and from my friends, using Facebook as a form of communication with the latter two groups (since a lot of friends sadly live far away). Some of these friends I've never actually met in person, and yet they are inordinately helpful. So, so helpful.
I still don't exactly understand PTSD. I just know I have it--I knew I had it before I was formally diagnosed by a counselor. Jumping out of my skin when people scrape their chairs on the floor? Jumping when people come up behind me? Having nightmares every freaking night? Running away and panicking whenever faced with a conflict situation? Disassociating me from myself? Yeah. PTSD.
I'm a little better--but I still panic when people raise their voices. Not as bad--it's a little milder of a reaction. I still get nightmares--but not as often. I can actually stay and talk things out now, instead of actually physically running away. Sometimes I will shut down instead, but not nearly as often. I've made progress.
I still have anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I didn't even know (or remember) that anxiety is connected with PTSD until I was reading around this morning, but it makes sense. It's a form of reaction to certain situations. I still react--but often I'm bewildered by my own reactions. Why do I freak out about this or that?
So, I found a quiz just to see how big my PTSD is. It's based on the formal test, but it's definitely not actually formal. I answered it according to how I feel now, and my score is a 29. I answered according to how I used to be. My score was 49. The higher it is, the worse it is. So...see what I've been saying? I've made progress, and then I felt horrible because I didn't make as much progress as I thought I was.
So, my husband has been contacting a couple of places to see if he can get me an appointment with a psychiatrist--and the first place said their first opening was in the middle of March. The Yelp reviews of another place says people do wait a couple of months before their appointments. And I'm not sure about any of the other places being able to see me sooner than later.
Looks like I will likely be seeing my regular doctor (who first prescribed me Lexapro) and see if he can up the strength or something. Just to tide me over until I can see a psychiatrist. I'm actually doing okay right now, mostly. Just kind of...small-d depressed at the fact that I'm not as healed as I thought I was. I'm not lolling about, listless and devoid of energy. But I am having more PTSD symptoms than I'd realized--and need some help with that.
Well, thanks for bearing with me as I talk about my battles. It has a lot of influence over my marathon training--hence why I'm talking about it. Tonight--I will try to go to the exercise room for sure, to beat the discombobulated feeling out of me. Not to mention the uplifting effects of my exercise mix on my iPod--mostly hymns, some traditional and some by Marty Haugen or the St. Louis Jesuits.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it already.